| Report for Rocky Shore Pervert | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 11 |
| Summary | Perfectly Exquisite |
Chris had (and indeed, has) a huge quiff which led to many hours of ridicule, as is to be expected. The insults really took off on the day that he feel asleep in English and woke to find that Ben Rock (known, coincidentally, as Violent Ben) had stapled his hair to the table with a huge wall stapler. The sight of Chris blundering about screaming with a table hanging from his head will stay with me until the day I die. He was eventually subdued and the table removed, but the scars, both mental and physical, remain. Please put this up, as if he sees it, he might finally get a fucking haircut.
Based on the hilarious thalidomide tragedy, in which pregnant women were prescribed a drug to treat the symptoms of morning sickness. Worked a treat, but it also caused the children to be born with a seemingly random collection of limbs. Easily simulated by pressing your wrists against your shoulders and flapping them like an eager seal. The links are therefore obvious - if you've demonstrated lower than average dexterity, you are a flid, and all your actions amount to nothing but flidding.
Can't take credit for the word, I suppose, but the game of fuck is good wholesome fun for two or more players. Best played in a classroom, but it works in the playground too, as long as a teacher is nearby. The first player says 'fuck' very quietly, just so you can hear it. The next player has to say it a little louder, and so on around the players. The loser is the first person to say 'fuck' more quietly than the previous person, to bottle out completely, or to be heard by the teacher.
Allow me. For the advanced fucker, there was this incredibly more dangerous version, very rarely played. You hold your hand in the air, middle finger extended, and say loudly 'one motherfucker'. The next person says 'one, two motherfucker' and so on. I never knew it get higher than five motherfucker, and we eventually had a year assembly warning us that if it happened again, expulsion would follow. Finally , here is the most dangerous game of fuck that can be played, as it relies of the rest of the class not reacting in any way. While speaking to a teacher, you simply drop the word 'fuck' into the sentence. When the teacher expresses surprise, repeat the sentence with 'fuck' removed. As in: Ben: And you can tell the church was built at the same time, cos it's got all them fuckin' crenellations along the top'. Mrs Whittaker: What did you say? Ben: I said, it's got all those crenellatons along the top. Y'know, like on the castle.
I dumped my girlfriend, and she kept following my round saying 'but why Chris, why did we break up?'. After about four days of this I turned to her in a crowded corridor and shouted "We didn't 'break up'! I dumped you! And I did it because you got on my TITS! Now how d'ya like THEM apples?" It spread like wildfire. Within two days I even heard a teacher say it. And then, suddenly, it was gone. I don't know why I said it, or where I got it from, but my fifteen minutes of fame were over.
Meet Mr Graham Barnes, a physics teacher with an unnaturally high voice. We used to sit at the back of the class shouting 'Graham is gay', prompting him to one day reply with 'I'm not gay'. Naturally enough. From then on, any accusation of someone being gay was met with a barrage of high-pitched voices stating 'I'm not gay'. He once broke down in tears after we told him we had phoned Childline and said he touched us.
Ours was 'I Prefer Masturbation Any Time', and people could be heard muttering it throughout our biology exam.
A proper response to a stupid comment. Tongue pressed into the bottom lip in front of the teeth and the phrase 'muu, by dabe's .....'. If the need is great, you may finish with 'and I'm a spack', said in the same manner. Darren: What does 'wank' mean? Me: Muu, my names Darren, and I'm a spack. See also ehhrruuuuu, gay.
A torture often inflicted for minor infractions of playground rule, such as not being popular. The unlucky victim is held by the legs by two people, who then run as fast as they can towards a suitable post (usually a goal post, hence the name, but occasionally a tree, fence, etc). The two draggers run either side of the post, causing massive testicular damage to the dragee.
Tim was a hugely fat geordie with hairy moles all over his face, and arrogant as fuck until we broke his spirit. He normally avoided PE as the idea of him doing any kind of physical activity was so blatantly farcical. On one occasion the PE teacher decided it would be good for him to play Rounders, and ordered him outside. As Tim lumbered between the posts, the teacher tried to encourage him with a shout of 'Run, Tim, Run!'. Whether the teacher was being kind or cruel, from then on, any running person, fat or otherwise, called Tim or not, was spurred on with a shout of 'Run, Tim, Run!'. As an aftermath to the games lesson we stole his trousers, and discovered to our delight that we could fit two ordinary-sized people into them. He walked home in his shorts.
We used to call poor people 'sporkers' based on them supposedly not having enough money for proper cutlery, and having to eat with those crappy spoon-fork combination things.