| Report for Jack Hyden | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 3 |
| Rejected stories (hidden) | 5 |
| Deleted stories (hidden) | 1 |
| Summary | Could Try Harder |
For some reason our school was extremely prone to such poo-related pranks. Three quick stories spring to mind:
- Firstly, I once wandered in to a cubicle (presumably to blow my nose since I never once had a poo in a school cubicle, not being clinically insane) to be confronted by a wonderful sight: Someone had created an elaborate nest of toilet roll, pinning it in place majestically with the bog seat. They had then planted a single turd smack bang in the middle. What they did with the rest of their shit, piss, etc, and whether or not they went into another cubicle to wipe their arse is unknown to me.
- Secondly, in year 8, our absurdly naive head of year Miss Baines informed us that someone had shat in a paper tea cup and balanced said cup on top of a toilet door, with the result that it landed on the caretaker's head, and "he had to go home to clean himself up". Since we were 12 or 13 at the time, the reaction was not the shocked horror that Miss Baines expected, needless to say. I still can't stop laughing at the thought of an evil genius squatting over a paper tea cup and then somehow getting out of the bogs having balanced the cup on the top of the inside of the only exit. Especially considering the toilet in question was internal and had no windows.
- Finally, my brother once saw a turd outside in the playground, in a crisp packet. I do not know what brand of crisp it was, but my brother assured my that it was “definitely human shit".
Our GCSE Science teacher brought a set of pig's lungs to class, around which we all gathered to watch as she demonstrated their function and dissected them for us. As part of the demonstration, she stuck a tube into the windpipe, and asked Chris Belton to blow into the tube so we could see the lungs inflate. Chris obliged - only for someone to bring their fist down on top of the inflated lungs, shooting air and mucus from the lungs back up the tube and into Belton's mouth.
Our scalpels as sharp as the average plastic ruler, so that the overall effect of attempted dissection would be a thick paste and a teacher's disbelief that none of us could "find the lens".