| Report for Em Bird | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 4 |
| Rejected stories (hidden) | 3 |
| Deleted stories (hidden) | 5 |
| Summary | Could Try Harder |
You can, according to my better-informed schoolmates, tell whether a girl is a virgin or not by whether her knees rub together when she walks. If they don't then she has undoubtedly been riding the entire town and should be buried in a Y-shaped coffin, the dirty little whore.
Let's take Michelle McManus. Her knees definitely rub together when she walks, because she is fat. As it is a well known fact that it is harder to pull fat, ugly, birds than slim attractive ones*, and because, well, NO-ONE wants to shag a fat lass**, this must be true.
*Unless you are a fat ugly bloke.**Unless you are a fat ugly bloke.
Let's take Michelle McManus. Her knees definitely rub together when she walks, because she is fat. As it is a well known fact that it is harder to pull fat, ugly, birds than slim attractive ones*, and because, well, NO-ONE wants to shag a fat lass**, this must be true.
*Unless you are a fat ugly bloke.**Unless you are a fat ugly bloke.
One particularly inept maths teacher once mistakenly announced while trying to explain the wonders of 'volume': 'Now here I have drawn a pair of jugs on the board. You will note that one is larger than the other...'
Teacher exits stage left, hilarity ensues.
Teacher exits stage left, hilarity ensues.
Similarly, the ludicrously diminutive Mr Hughes told his form class on the first day NOT to call him Mr Huge, as it really, really wasn't funny. The result was as predictable as night following day.
'Hopefully big and hairy' was the standard response to the Irish version, 'How's the Craic?'
The 'hopefully' is the key to understanding the Irish psyche. We like 'em big and bushy, ladies.
The 'hopefully' is the key to understanding the Irish psyche. We like 'em big and bushy, ladies.