The only insult you can say that automatically makes you more of one than the person you say it to.
An expression of delight or surprise that originated with Andy Bain's impression of a 1970s funky wah-wah guitar, of the sort that would accompany Dirty Harry in a rooftop chase of bad guys.
The title of a popular cartoon of mine, starring a weeping bear lying in a bed, a large puddle of piss spreading beneath him.
The phrase "Mr Bear has wet himself" was inexpicably funny.
The original "Mr Bear" drawing has long since disappeared, although rumours of a copy on E-bay selling for £6 remain unsubstantiated.
The phrase "Mr Bear has wet himself" was inexpicably funny.
The original "Mr Bear" drawing has long since disappeared, although rumours of a copy on E-bay selling for £6 remain unsubstantiated.
You have 15 pens in an exciting variety of styles and hues. So do all the other members. It's a whole bunch of fun. Who WOULDN'T want to be in the Pen Fifteen club? So the uncool kid, desperate to join the gang, collects together fifteen pens in an equally exciting variety of styles and hues, and proudly presents them to the club. "Brilliant!" you tell him. "You have fifteen pens! Now you can recieve the secret Pen Fifteen club sign!" Taking the biggest, blackest, and most indelible of your collection, you then write "PEN 15" in big letters on said kids hand. Gorgeous in its simplicity, and great for fucking with the sort of kid who really DID collect scented rubbers or unusual pencil sharpeners.
(PS: I believe there is already a submission for the Pen Fifteen club somewhere in the archives. However, mine is better, and I'd be willing to go head to head with the other contributor. Good luck in the swimsuit round.)
(PS: I believe there is already a submission for the Pen Fifteen club somewhere in the archives. However, mine is better, and I'd be willing to go head to head with the other contributor. Good luck in the swimsuit round.)
After a particularly orgiastic 6th year disco, when half the prefects were caught sack-deep in pupils from another school's 6th year, the assembled culprits were given a mass bollocking by the headmaster.
The climax of his harangue was the instruction "...and if the urge ever comes over you again, get a box, stand on it and shag one Mr. Bain's cows". (Mr. Bain ran the nearby farm.)
After that, every time someone got the horn, they would murmur "I could just stand on a box..."
The climax of his harangue was the instruction "...and if the urge ever comes over you again, get a box, stand on it and shag one Mr. Bain's cows". (Mr. Bain ran the nearby farm.)
After that, every time someone got the horn, they would murmur "I could just stand on a box..."
Legend had it that Gary Everitt got his cock stuck up the bath tap. How or why this happened the legend never stated, but we knew it must be true because, well, he looked the type.
A song was composed to the tune of the Matey bubblebath advert on TV at the time:
Gary Everitt's a bottle of fun
You put him in the bath
He sticks it up the tap
and everyone has a laugh!
He had to endure 5 years of this song, which was passed down to the years below and was particularly enjoyed by his younger brother, who presumably gained a good deal of revenge for older-sibling-based bullying.
A song was composed to the tune of the Matey bubblebath advert on TV at the time:
Gary Everitt's a bottle of fun
You put him in the bath
He sticks it up the tap
and everyone has a laugh!
He had to endure 5 years of this song, which was passed down to the years below and was particularly enjoyed by his younger brother, who presumably gained a good deal of revenge for older-sibling-based bullying.
The school's entire collection of colour plates from old National Geographic magazines was decimated in a single term when we discovered they made superb paper aeroplanes, especially when they have cocktail sticks wedged into the nose.
John W. achieved school-wide fame in the sixth form when he was spotted through a badly-curtained bathroom window having an energetic wank. Of course, indiscreet masturbation is hardly that unusual at boarding school, but two factors elevated John's performance to the status of School Legend:
1. In an impressive display of coordination and efficiency, he was brushing his teeth with his other hand.
2. He frequently paused in his manipulations to slap his cock energetically against the basin.
John was dubbed Basin Basher for the remainder of his school career, and "Arm & Hammer" toothpaste suddenly became hilarious. The event was immortalised in the following song (to the tune, vaguely, of Do your balls hang low?):
Is your name John or Jason,
Do you bash it on a basin,
Do you cover it in Colgate for better lubrication?
Does it give you satisfaction,
Does it get a big reaction,
Do you use Double Action for better foreskin traction?
The beauty of the final line is that John was a quiet, earnest student: the image of him diligently evaluating toothpastes until he found the one with optimum sensual enhancement was entirely plausible.
1. In an impressive display of coordination and efficiency, he was brushing his teeth with his other hand.
2. He frequently paused in his manipulations to slap his cock energetically against the basin.
John was dubbed Basin Basher for the remainder of his school career, and "Arm & Hammer" toothpaste suddenly became hilarious. The event was immortalised in the following song (to the tune, vaguely, of Do your balls hang low?):
Is your name John or Jason,
Do you bash it on a basin,
Do you cover it in Colgate for better lubrication?
Does it give you satisfaction,
Does it get a big reaction,
Do you use Double Action for better foreskin traction?
The beauty of the final line is that John was a quiet, earnest student: the image of him diligently evaluating toothpastes until he found the one with optimum sensual enhancement was entirely plausible.
Taking this from the opposite angle, simply ask someone fat / ginger / small whether they use their left or right hand to wipe their arse.
When they tell you, simply say "I use toilet paper" and run off to tell everyone, making the the universal "uuuurrrrrrrr" sound of disgust.
When they tell you, simply say "I use toilet paper" and run off to tell everyone, making the the universal "uuuurrrrrrrr" sound of disgust.
The year after I left school, I discovered that one of my old RE teachers had, in his new group, an Arabic boy named Osama. On discovering this, he remarked "Oh, so you're a little terrorist."
I hear he has been suspended.
I hear he has been suspended.