As a small child, my mum insisted on drying my hair with a hair-dryer, and if my hair was clean and puffed up I'd refer to myself as "Goggins", after Mrs Goggins from Postman Pat.

About ten years later, a kid called Matthew joined our class from another school. A friend and I were asked to take him under our wing, and we soon found that Matthew had problems. He had special springy shoelaces as he couldn't tie normal ones, and he would constantly blurt out facts like "the earth expands three centimetres every day".

We tried to be kind to Matthew, but in the end we gave up in light of his fact-puking and general spazziness. And when I realised his hair style was sufficiently puffy for him to take on the mantle of "Goggins", it came to pass that the whole year, and then the whole school, knew him as "Goggins".

I like to think that one day the new "Goggins" will, as I did, retire to anonymity and choose a successor.