When placed at a new desk the first thing you'd do was check what the graffiti was on the desk. Our school was tolerant of graffitti as long as it didn't contain swear words. One day me and my gang of friends decided to write 'Fuck Me' on our desks. Unfortunately someone else was spotted writing 'Graham is a prick' or something on their desk at the time. The teacher came over and went berserk. He said he was then going to walk down each aisle to check if anyone else had swore on their desk. Quickly we decided to try and amend what we'd written. I came up with 'Fookey Meou', others came up with other stupid variations. Unfortunately one of us missed the point of the exercise entirely, and amended his to 'Fuck me mother'. Our enormous laughter at this foolishness brought the teacher over right away. We all got the ruler.

A guy called Dave in my class was hauled up in front of the head on suspicion of writing something on his desk. Rumour has it that he was accused of writing 'Dave is gay'. Almost certainly not true, but there's no smoke without fire.

(It’s a classic example of double bluff, the like of which Call My Bluff’s Sandy Toksvig would be proud. Wait a minute…Sandy Toksvig? A ha! Dave is SO DEFINITELY GAY. Hoisted by your own petard, Dave. -Susan)

Harry the New Boy was so incensed at being greeted by the grafitti "Harry Cleans Desks" every time he sat down that he took it upon himself to remove the scrawl off all the surfaces on which it appeared, thus corroborating the allegation.

Perhaps you had to be there.