fucking will to live, or WHAT?

fuck me. Might give this to cockfingers

Gratefully received. A turd of an entry. Cheers!

A favourite of mine was school assemblies, which were always a serious, dour affair begging to be injected with a little humour - which they occasionally were. These varied from 'doctoring' chairs so that they collapsed halfway through prayers - you always tried to detect a wonky chair as you filed into assembly - to more daring adventures. Two memorable ones are outlined here:
The first involved the head prick-fect who had to a list of boys that were to be called into the head masters office that morning, presumably for a fate worse than being meddle by a priest. This list was drawn up by the school secretary and left in a tray for the head prefect to pick up on his way through. It was a custom to add a funny name to the bottom of this list so that the prefect mad an ass of himself. Sometimes they were just nonsense - "Can Hugh Jarce please see the headmaster afterwards" to the more subtle "The headmaster would like to see Harry Caverty, Wayne Kerr and Mike Hunt immediately". Then you could have fun with Polish/Indian/Pakistani names that either had rude connotations or were just too difficult to read.
The second involved the music at assembly time. Each morning we had to listen to some classical music that would have been considered "dark" if played at a funeral - just what you needed that time of the morning. So it obviously needed changing - and change it we did. This was made possible due to one fact. On old Vinyl records the centre label was in fact multiple layers that could be prised apart if care and some skill was used. So the objective here was to find an unoffensive record (something out of the old man's collection worked ideally as you had unlimited access to it do take off a label - however it was high risk if you knackered the operation and shagged his record - time to blame the cat). Having obtained your inoffensive label that read "Dvorak's 7th Funeral Dirge" you could place it over the top of a completely offensive record, say Never Mind the Bollocks - a common choice, or on one occasion Derek & Clive Ad Nauseam!
The next daring part was to hide near the record player that lurked behind the curtains on the stage. This was risky not only because of the fact that the 6th form prefects were seated behind the headmaster and deputy head and head prick-fect. However those in the know used to use the trap door in the stage floor that was situated right by the record player, allowing enough time to flip the record on top of the boring original and disappear under the stage again before a 6th former prefect would be instructed to put the music on.
The hardest bit was stiffling the laughter under the stage as you heard Dudley Moore saying "This bloke walked up to me in the street and he said 'you cunt'"....invariably the 6th form prefect would be quizzed and conspiracy suspected - until that is one of us was caught in the act!