Love Percentages, calculation of
A simple mathematical method of working out people's attraction to each other, far simpler and cheaper than all that sodding about with dating profiles like they do nowadays.
If someone wanted to calculate my percentage attraction to, say, Kylie Minogue, they would proceed thus:
If someone wanted to calculate my percentage attraction to, say, Kylie Minogue, they would proceed thus:
- Write out on a piece of paper:
Matthew Fasham
Loves
Kylie Minogue - Count up the number of l, o, v, e, and s's in each name as follows:
1,1,0,3,1 - Add up the adjacent numbers, pair by pair, to get:
2,1,3,4 - Again:
3,4,7 - Again:
7, 11 - And finally, the percentage that I love Kylie Minogue, 18%.
This depressingly small percentage, if calculated in a school classroom, would be taken as conclusive proof of gayness.Additionally, as the percentage works both ways, I now know that my hitherto dogged pursuit of Kylie is doomed to a loveless failure.
written by Ma*t F*sh*m, approved by Log
Matt, please don't give up. An alternate and more sensible working of this process would split the eleven in the last stage of the process to two individual ones. This would give you 7,1,1 - which brings you to a final love score of 82%. This is obviously the method to be preferred.
This explains why you loved Kylie despite your low score, and gives you a very real chance of getting your dick wet should you ever meet.
This explains why you loved Kylie despite your low score, and gives you a very real chance of getting your dick wet should you ever meet.
written by Jo* B*yt*, approved by Phil
Finally, because I am the most anal person in the world when it comes to intriguing maths things - and love - the only results I've found that will yield the maximum 99% (also demonstrating that love can never be a certainty) are 01202, 03006, 12021, 20210, 31105, 32007, 50113, 51015, 60030, 60106, 80016, and of course, 90009.
written by Jo* Bly*h, approved by Phil
Nick Hunt
loves
Zoe Reynolds
If there's a Zoe Reynolds reading this, I'm yours, and I promise to devote as much time to you as I did to working out your fucking name. If you even exist outside my tortured imagination.
loves
Zoe Reynolds
1 2 0 2 1
3 2 2 3
5 4 5
99%
If there's a Zoe Reynolds reading this, I'm yours, and I promise to devote as much time to you as I did to working out your fucking name. If you even exist outside my tortured imagination.
written by Ni*k H*nt, approved by Susan
By this logic, anyone with the word "love" in their name will have an automatic head start no matter who they're pitched against.
This may explain the hitherto unfathomable popularity of Courtney Love and Jennifer Love Hewitt, who must fancy the pants off one another, the dirty lezzers.
This may explain the hitherto unfathomable popularity of Courtney Love and Jennifer Love Hewitt, who must fancy the pants off one another, the dirty lezzers.
written by Ph*l G*ansvi*e, approved by Log
It's possible to end up with an infinite loop in the numbers, where you never reach a percentage - whether this means your love is doomed or guaranteed, I can't say. But if it makes you feel any better Log, I only know this can happen because I was anal enough to write a program on the amiga to work out the love percentage automatically.
(Thanks - although I don't feel less anal, it's nice to know there are people more anal than myself. For an online love percentage calculator, click on these words.)
(Thanks - although I don't feel less anal, it's nice to know there are people more anal than myself. For an online love percentage calculator, click on these words.)
written by da* upr*ght, approved by Log
Courtney and Jennifer only love each other 24%, which just goes to show, logic is not to be trusted. Maybe its more successful if the entire 'Loves' is in their name, an example being 'John Lovestein.'
This man might not exist.
This is clearly a lie. Courtney and Jennifer love each other 85%. Please don't resort to such tabloid-style muck slinging, we're a respectable website. Tsk. - Phil
This man might not exist.
This is clearly a lie. Courtney and Jennifer love each other 85%. Please don't resort to such tabloid-style muck slinging, we're a respectable website. Tsk. - Phil
written by Da*y ., approved by Log
Well, if Jennifer was only spelt with one E as I, quite rightly in my mind, presumed, THEN they would only love each other the 24%.
Well, this isn't a hole that is easy to dig my way out of. I hang my head in shame.
Well, this isn't a hole that is easy to dig my way out of. I hang my head in shame.
written by Da*y ., approved by Susan
Well you live and learn... having checked via the online percentage calculator I can rejoice that my Kylie percentage is 82, not 18. If only I had known that 15 years ago I might have been spared many lonely hours of 18%-related ostracism.
By the way, Log, while it may be true that 90009 gives a perfect 99%, there can't be many people who fit that category. I suppose that if Liam Lyall Slimshall met Sarah Sally Sandra Mississippi, there would be love at first sight, if they bothered to sit down with a calculator, but if there's a real life couple who qualify I will not only eat my hat but also yours.
By the way, Log, while it may be true that 90009 gives a perfect 99%, there can't be many people who fit that category. I suppose that if Liam Lyall Slimshall met Sarah Sally Sandra Mississippi, there would be love at first sight, if they bothered to sit down with a calculator, but if there's a real life couple who qualify I will not only eat my hat but also yours.
written by Ma*t *asham, approved by Susan
There was a boy at school called Justin Oliver Hayhoe. There's an L, an O, a V, an E and an S in there. That boy loved everybody and everybody loved him....
... in theory. The reality was that he was a twat and possibly the least popular person I've ever met.
Love Percentage Calculators, please note! There's a subtle difference between having the letters of the word LOVE in your name, and having the sort of name that makes you sound like a raving gaylord.
... in theory. The reality was that he was a twat and possibly the least popular person I've ever met.
Love Percentage Calculators, please note! There's a subtle difference between having the letters of the word LOVE in your name, and having the sort of name that makes you sound like a raving gaylord.
written by N *, approved by Phil
I managed to use the online love calculator to work out that I apparently love my ex girlfriend 99%, ie. more than I'll ever love anyone else.
Has anyone else had a similarly depressing experience, such as finding their name on a gravestone with 1974-TOMORROW written underneath?
Has anyone else had a similarly depressing experience, such as finding their name on a gravestone with 1974-TOMORROW written underneath?
written by an*nym*us u*er, approved by Log
I have a message for Nick Hunt: I knew Zoe Reynolds at university. She was a fucking uber-bitch and you wouldn't want to go there. Honestly, she was awful. Not someone you would want to devote even five minutes to.
Perhaps you should try working out another name. Or porn. Sorry.
Perhaps you should try working out another name. Or porn. Sorry.
written by Ch*is *ool*ou*e, approved by Matt
Right. Claire Rosemond, prepare to be stalked.
And I know you exist because I've googled you.
And I know you exist because I've googled you.
written by Ni*k *un*, approved by Matt