Does anyone have any lab assistant stories? Ours were really retarded, but never got up to anything genuinely evil. Lab Assistant stories are welcome, so long as they aren't just "our lab assistant used to be really stupid and shuffled around with test tube racks and never said anything." Did anyone ever get into that special lab assistant room? Did they ever touch you? There? In that special place that daddy told you was where Socky The Hand Puppet had dinner? Do you remember Socky's strange, asymmetrical eyes, and looking for the place where he hid until daddy brought him out?

KEITH We had two lab assistants at school. A normal one, and Keith. In your first physics lesson at school, the teacher told you never to tap him on the shoulder or surprise him from behind, due to his epilepsy. We just had to find out, so there followed an evil version of "What's the time Mr Wolf?" where we crept up when he had his back turned and froze as he spun round, pretending we weren't doing anything, with him freaking out more and more as we got closer and closer, until finally we were within tapping distance, by which time he was frothing at the mouth and the teacher would turn up. "What's happened to Keith?" "Dunno sir - he just started going weird....is he OK sir?" Keith, a god-fearing fellow, also went to church every Sunday, often driving his tiny MG. One Sunday a group of boys from the school, picked his car up, moved it across the church driveway, and wrote "666" in the gravel where the car had been. It took them a LONG time to sort him out after that one....

When Paul the lab technician was discovered by three pupils looking at some of the most unorthodox sex the net has to offer; fistings, animals, and combinations of the two, he gave us the biggest smile I've ever seen, as if to say "great stuff, eh?", and carried on saving the pictures onto a floppy disc. This all seemed very wrong.

We had two scary female (I think) lab assistants. One of them earned the name "The Turkey" from the way she carried herself. I don’t remember the other one, but they both possessed the ability to appear in any classroom almost at will through an ingenious network of doors seemingly designed by the Ministry of defence during WW2.

One kid in my English class got a big glob of chewing gum stuck in his hair. The teacher (knowing full well what would happen) told him to go up to the chemistry labs and see one of the lab assistants, they would have a special chemical that would remove the gum. He went up there and told the lab assistant on duty of his predicament, she took a big pair of scissors out of her desk, and viciously hacked the gum and about a quarter of the hair from his head.

Dianne, mid 40's, quite attractive, clad in leather trousers and thus clearly into bondage. She would enter a classroom to a resounding chorus of whip-crack noises from all the lads.

Anyone kept behind after class was coerced into sordid S&M sex games. Probably.

We had a lab assistant that looked very much like nanny from Count Duckula, white hair and everything. Cries of ducky-poos! were not un-common whilst waiting to be let into class.

We had a penfold-like lab assistant called Mr. Collett, who was very gentle and sweet.
In our second hand Chemistry Textbooks, I found an elaborate heart on one of the diagrams inscribing the words "I love Mr. Collett". These were dotted throughout the book.
I pointed these out to the great amusement of my surrounding peers, until I thoughtfully checked the front of the book, to be greeted with the name of my older sister.
As this was my first week at the school, I became quickly known as "that guy whose sister shagged the mole".

Mr Hartshorne, (aka Dribbler as he had a peculiar misfortune of uncontrollably overactive saliva glands), wasn't a small man, roughly 5ft 10 inches square. He only had two labcoats; one which caught fire, and the other which stank of what he claimed was "chemicals". Well, I suppose 'stinky man sweat' and 'middleaged musk' are technically 'chemicals'.
Also, the back of said labcoat sported a veritable rainbow of coloured spots, where pupils had kindly decided to decorate his back with flicked fountain pen ink when he had turned around.
Is a member of the Chocolate Tasters Club.

We had two lab assistants, one of either gender.
The male was not the usual, timid sort. He would stop and stand in the middle of the lab, put his hands on his hips, and push his crotch forward and look around, as if to say "See! I have a penis, teenaged girls! Look in the direction of my out-thrust penis!"
The female once blew a large blob of blood and snot out of her nose, into the full beaker she was carrying, when she laughed at one of the Chemistry teacher's bad jokes.
This painted a nice enough picture of their married life between classrooms - him waving his cock around and her laughing blood onto it.