Find a friendly neighbourhood cat and firmly cradle it, as if you're going to be nice. Then turn it upside down so it is facing out in the opposite direction to you. Then pop it's tail in your mouth and gently at first bite down; then bite harder until you notice a correlation between the firmness of the bite and the pitch of the cat's wailing.

Here's a great example of what makes the Internet wonderful. The RSPCA would be proud. About three months ago, I read the above entry and laughed so hard I nearly dropped my mouse. When I related it in a drunken state to a friend of mine in Swaziland - no less; never let it be said that LotP isn't cosmopolitan - he decided to give it a go and actually IMPROVED the technique. The main problem (especially when numb of gum for chemical reasons) is controlling the bite pressure sufficiently to get a tune out so he discovered that if the cat is held like bagpipes, you can control pitch very effectively using elbow pressure. A certain amount of rhythm can also be introduced. Frankly, this is the single funniest thing I have ever seen and kept an entire room full of people rolling on the floor for a good hour - at which point of course the tail went gangrenous and dropped off.

Playground Uncovered: This is clearly such unabashed fibbery that it would be criminal for us not to present it in its unadulterated state. Mr Pappenheim, we salute you.

Phil, you have offended the honour of my favouritely named contributor - Mr Pappenheim, defend yourself! - Log
Okay, so maybe the gangrenous bit is stretching the truth but in actual fact this is otherwise completely true. The cat player in question, it must be explained, is (a) Scottish and (b) resident in Swaziland, where he avails himself of a good 40 joints a day. Which might explain a lot. And yes, I do appreciate that that sounds even more ridiculous but things like this do happen in those strange countries out there, south of Brighton.