Richard Snape was an unlucky child. He'd been 'blessed' with simian looks and intellect, a name that rhymed with "ape", but neither the brawn nor courage of his hairy counterparts.

Every music lesson was sheer hell for the poor lad; the top three classes of the junior school used to share a weekly music lesson, which involved the deputy head thumping the piano whilst we all sat in rows mumbling to various 'classic' singalongs. The exception to this was "Let's All Go Down The Strand", in which the "HAVE A BANANA" refrain was sung as rousingly as possible with all eyes falling on Richard.

Last time I saw him he was working in a 'budget-conscious' shoe shop.