Stephen was small and very thin - and anaemically pale. The only sport he had ever shown an interest in was wanking which he did with dutiful regularity and an intense frown that suggested it was a chore. He explained that he had to do it often to try and straighten his penis - which resembled a sea-horse.

His father, in a twisted attempt to 'make a man of him' bought him a boxing kit for his eleventh birthday which consisted of gloves, a punchbag and a red shiny dressing gown with 'Muhammad Ali - The Greatest' emblazoned in gold on the back. He wore it out to play.

Word spread like wildfire and within the space of a few hours children were being bussed in from surrounding towns just to punch him.
He stayed indoors for a long time afterwards; sitting sullenly in the kitchen wearing one boxing glove, passing the hours by gently punching a dish of cat food into a flat paste with one hand and wanking with the other.