Many years ago at school, I went out with a girl called Kerry. I had boasted for many weeks before hand to my friends (mainly a guy called simon), that the weekend my parents were away would be the week I would "do it" to her.nnThe weekend and came and went, without me "doing it" to her. Come the monday Simon asked me if I "did it".nn(At this point it is worth pointing out that Simon was sex obsessed, fat, had a huge collection of porno mags and so much body hair, at the age of 14, that I as an adult 15 years later would consider it to be an abnormal amount.)nn"No" I Said. We we all 14 year olds - no one would have believed me if i had.nnSimon narrowed his eyes, ready to accuse me of lying to him. I had been promising him for weeks that I would "do it". He also seemed upset, perhaps because he was such an unnatractive fat mutant the closest thing he would ever come to sex was being told about it. nn"In fact I did something better than sex" I triumphantly proclaimed.nnThe whole classroom (did I mention I was in a classrom?) fell silent, and listened in awe - what could be better than sex!?!)nn"I had a Soapy Tit Wank." nnI demonstrated this hitherto unknown advanced sexual act, by squatting down on the floor, miming (accompanied all the while by a nervous verbal description) the act of squirting washing up liquid onto Kerry's breasts, placing my dick between them, squeezing them together and thrusting vigorously. The stunned silence that followed, I believed for several seconds, was because of my demonstration of mature, sosphisticated love making. nnUnfortunately, it was because I was at the front of the classroom, facing the door, and the teacher had just entered the room.nnYou'd expect that my life would have been made a living hell until the end of time for such a display. But no, the children at my school were far wiser than you'd think - the ever present memory of performing such a display, and the searing embaressment of being caught "doing it" by a teacher, was a far greater punishment than any number of sadistically-sophisticated school kids could ever think of. It remained with me till I left sixth form college at the age of 18.

Imagine my surprise many years later at having to carry out a business call to a customer called "Sophie Tithe-Wain" and managing to keep a straight face