Mr Rose had a problem with his erection. More specifically, his problem was that he couldn’t stop having erections in class. When he turned from writing on the blackboard, you were on a fifty-fifty that there'd be a captivating tumescence nudging at the zip of his baggy flares.

Had it been any other year, with any other pop chart, he might have been nicknamed "Purple Strain" or "The Jefferson Penis Experience". But this was 1983, and Haysi Fantayzee dominated the airwaves with "John Wayne Is Big Leggy".

You're stuck with the tools God gives you. Hence, "Horny Rose is Big Loggy".

Our man with this problem in 1975 was Mr Kemp. Had we progressed beyond our horror that a room full of twelve year old kids should have this effect on him, and given some thought to a contemporary pop chart-related epithet, I expect we'd have called him Mr Postman. Or maybe The Bump.