If you want to appear cool before your classmates, one of the last things you should do is bring to art lessons your little lead men to paint various colours. The very last thing you should do is bring in a little lead woman, tell everyone she's "really fit" and "sexily carved", and spend most of the lesson fantasising about having intercourse with her. This means you, Mark Baker, you grubby little freak. If you're going to humiliate yourself by getting a boner in class, it should be over a real person, or at the very least something bigger than a rat's penis.

That's exactly what Jon Dale used to do with Elven Cheerleaders. He'd paint tiny labia on their leotards to make it look like they were wearing crotchless panties. Christ. I mean, hats off to his artistic talent, but the more I think about it the more amazed I am I've not seen him feature on Crimewatch.

We had a lad called Tom who once spent the entire registration period looking down the top of a small but well-endowed Warhammer figure. She wasn't even painted. Or moulded that well.