Giving someone the finger,except you stick up your pinky rather than your middle finger. Then you must bellow in a crap chinese accent "CHINESE RUDE FINGER" Thus avoiding the ire of the teachers as the gesture is neither rude nor particularly Chinese. (I was told this by a six year old called Emma)

A dangerous game to play if you are the teacher, and you suffer from B.O. The chances are that the children will return the phrase "Mr Gardiner smells of piss", and you will not know who to blame. You cannot punish anyone, so you will appear powerless. The children will see this, and be upon you in seconds, and you shall be a skeleton left to bake in the sun before home time.

Chinese Whispers is crap if, when you are not sure of a word, you replace it with "something" instead of the closest word to it. This happened in our class, and the end result was always "Something something something... something something something." Defeats the object of the game, really.

Put your fingers to the corners of your eyes and pull as directed whilst singing;
"My mum's Chinese" (pull both fingers up)
"My dad's Japanese" (pull both fingers down)
"Look what happened to me!" (pull one finger up and one finger down).
If this visual gag wasn't hilarious enough, imagine a pubescant girl singing "Chinese, Japanese, Mummy please, what are these?" whilst gesturing to her new, pert bahongas!
Boys can gesture to their dirty knees instead, but that's not as funny as TITS.

A touching ode to an incompetent Oriental farmer:
Ching Chong Chinaman went to milk a cow
Ching Chong Chinaman didn't know how
Ching Chong Chinaman pulled the wrong tit
Ching Chong Chinaman covered in shit.
In retrospect it's hard to imagine what 'the wrong tit' could possibly mean, although I suppose it could be the cow's tail.

At my primary school when someone said something that was blatantly untrue, like 'my dad drives a tank. He keeps it in the garage', the correct response was to push your tongue into your bottom lip and go 'urhhhhh chinny barbados'.

Perhaps one of the most terrifying of our fellow students was John Kennedy, whose mother was an albino aboriginal. John had really curly blonde hair and brown eyes and had severe psychiatric problems - like REAL problems. In our poorly supervised woodwork class he wreaked absolute havoc. I'm talking blitzkrieg Fucking terror here. He began by "just" smacking the back of the hands of the unwary with a wooden mallet. Anyone who placed their hands on a flat surface, like a bench, it was WHACK, like real fucking hard.nnSomeone took exception to this, someone pretty tough, like Michael Stravanides, and had a go at Kennedy. Kennedy simply upped the ante and armed himself with a chisel. He then began randomly trying to stab other kids with it. He cut his own hand open with it and daubed "Chisel Man" in his own blood on the front of his woodwork apron. When our teacher, Ray Arnold left the room, Kennedy would jump up like Chucky in those "Child's Play" films and scream "Chisel Man" then (and this was the terrifying bit) randomly chase someone around the room trying to stab them. No one was safe. You could be on what you thought were really good terms with him and still be the victim. He was real serious. He stabbed Veli in the arse "Midnight Express" turkish prison style. Veli had blood comin' out his arse and was screaming. We were all shit scared, but no one said anything and the teacher seemed to disappear from class for ages.nnAnother time he tried to put Bill Gavanoudis' head into the band saw - it was like the Fucking Shining or something, I mean I was in that panic state where you want to scream and run but just stand there laughing nervously and sort of dancing on the spot.nnI can't recall how it all ended, but Kennedy had left by form four. He was failing everything. I remember he grabbed Miss James and was kissing her, really rough and excitedly coz she gave him a pass on a geography assignment. He then dropped to the floor and spun around on one elbow yelling "Woh, Woh, Woh, Woh" like Curly from the three stooges. She was shit scared too - you could see it in her face.nnKennedy used to piss on car door handles at Chaddy shopping centre every night. His ability to seemingly piss at will and stop and start the flow was incredible. Veli finally got revenge on him for the Chisel incident by pushing him over the side of an escalator at Myer, He fell about 12 feet onto his face but didn't appear too fussed and "paid" Veli for what he had to admit was a pretty "good one". He could obviously admire the psychotic in others too. Kennedy's dress sense in retrospect was pretty cool. He wore tight blue jeans with big cowboy boots and a really tight lumber jacket. With his wild blond hair he looked like some crazy southern Jerry Lee Lewis style rocker. He HAS to be dead by now.

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The Chocolate Cock (paraphrased)
from "The Talking Teapot and Other Tales" by Enid Blyton

Once there was a piece of chocolate in the shape of a cock. The chocolate cock stood right in the very middle of a sweet-shop window, and all the children came to look at him. He was very proud of himself indeed - as would you be, if you were a huge delicious brown cock.

"I am the Chocolate Cock!" he crowed. "I am the Chocolate Cock! I am the handsomest bird in the world, for I am the Chocolate Cock!"

He was marked a shilling, and none of the children that came to look at the cock could afford to buy him. They just stood and looked at him, to drink in the staggering beauty of the massive over-priced chocolate cock they all wanted so badly to stick in their mouths and drag across their bodies, stencilling the edge of their bot-bots.

Sometimes the feelings in their tummies, a hunger that could not be sated by any other food, led the children to experiment with each other in front of the cock, while it looked at them with its imperious, milky eye. But one day the wife of the Duke of Edinburgh visited the shop, and said she didn't like all the little boys fucking each other outside his shop, so he got a farmer to kill them.

A turd. Also, a boy, Adam White. The 'chod' association happened before I moved to the area, but was revealed in such horrified tones that I never ever dared go near him for fear of catching chod disease. Odd 'chicken and egg' origin - was Adam known as Chod before he shat out of a tree, and so that's how shit became known as 'chod'? Or was shit always 'chod', and Adam assumed the mantle of 'Chod' only after he shat out of a tree? Never found out.

Directed with great relish at those who had lost an argument, displayed ineptitude or suffered from general misfortune, this insult was usually drawn out ("chee-yokeddd!"), accompanied by a dry cough, and the pinching of skin over the adams apple.

Not to be confused with the pinching of skin either side of the neck, which as everyone knows, is an Ethiopian eating a crisp.

Based on the grail selection scene at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Present the victim with two closed palms. Tell them to "Choose Wisely".
Whichever choice is made precipitates a violent assault, followed by gravely intoning "he chose poorly.." in the fashion of a 700 year old knight.

After a chinese girl gobbed in someone's (OK, my) face, the game of "it" was transformed into the game of "chow mein". Essentially the same game, but you're passing on a different condition.

Chris had (and indeed, has) a huge quiff which led to many hours of ridicule, as is to be expected. The insults really took off on the day that he feel asleep in English and woke to find that Ben Rock (known, coincidentally, as Violent Ben) had stapled his hair to the table with a huge wall stapler. The sight of Chris blundering about screaming with a table hanging from his head will stay with me until the day I die. He was eventually subdued and the table removed, but the scars, both mental and physical, remain. Please put this up, as if he sees it, he might finally get a fucking haircut.

Christening different new clothing required different rituals. Doctor Marten's boots had to be broken in by kicking someone harder than yourself up the arse. The more holes the boots had, the harder your target had to be. If the task was not completed that lunchtime, you would get kicked by all other DM wearers.

A good time to ridicule Jehova's Witnesses is to talk about your Christmas presents in front of one. In particular, ask four or five people what they got before you get to the Jehova, pause, then ask them what they got. Word of warning - make sure you do not ask a poor kid what they got in the build up, or else he might accidentally become the object of ridicule. See also knock knock jokes.

The name of a child with learning disabilites in my year. Because of his presence I was denied much of the spastic in-jokery that was prevalent amongst most schools at the time, as anyone caught making fun of him would be dealt with severely.
I'm quite grateful to him, because it is through him that I learnt how to deal with mentally handicapped people; generally, stare at the floor not saying anything and hoping they will go away, so you can stop feeling guilty. Oh, and empty gestures of friendship, like being forced by your mother to invite him to your birthday party.
When he left school, spastic jokes promptly became all the rage, even amongst the teachers.

The spraying of Deep Heat onto the testicles. A proper night-time chubbing requires a number of key roles. Least popular was the pulling down of the pyjamas, indifferent was the variable number of team members required to pin down the victim, and most prestigious was the chubber himself, who delivered the chub unto the naducles. This can go wrong (or spectacularly right, depending on your level of sadism and optimism) if the victim is allergic to Deep Heat.

Lord saints preserve us

All it takes is a bag of marshmallows pubes adn someone with a big mouth and small brains and one fraise "chubby bunny" u can figure out the rest.

vt. To masturbate. As a noun, you are a "chugger", and if you are a prolific wanker, you are a "chuggernaut". Derived from the imagined effort and sound effects that go into a wank, which is, honestly, the equivalent of the engine on an ant boat.

Advanced bummer, or, if you will, bum chum third dan.

Gob on your cigarette.
Add powdered flint from your cheap lighter.
Light cigarette.
Voila - crap cigarette sparkler.

The game made famous in TV’s 'Malcolm in the Middle', but an old favourite.
Object of the game is to get the victim to "see" the magic circle, made from your thumb and index finger (in the classic "OK" sign). The magic circle is only "active" when the victim looks directly at it when it is held below waist level.

The victim’s attention is drawn to the magic circle using diversion techniques such as pointing out untied shoelaces, dropping coins etc, anything where one must look below waist level. The magic circle can then be introduced into the victim’s field of vision. When the victim looks directly at the magic circle, you are permitted to punch them on the arm for their gullibility. A pain in the arse to explain, breathtakingly simple in practice.

A futile question designed to test the infinite patience of our Religious Education teacher. He would reply every time with a textbook response - "It is the removal of a small piece of skin from the male sexual organ, or penis." If he had answered without using the phrase "male sexual organ, or penis", he might have been spared the endless repetition. But he did, and he wasn't.

A boy, in need of support and companionship after receiving a prosthetic testicle, tells his 'best friend' about said operation. Within minutes the entire school knows. Within hours his name is 'clacker knackers'. Withing a week, kids are waiting for him to pass by at break times with a couple of Coke cans, clanking them together to match the rhythm of his walk. The bionic bollocked boy flees.

A greatly evil character from the film Robocop, which I was obsessed with at that time of my life. Particular choice Boddicker quotes that we would often use in tedious repetition were: "Can you fly Bobby?" when tripping people up, and "Bitches, leave!" whenever Paul Antell walked into the room.