Geography supply teacher Mr Mitchell noticed a switch by the white board. On asking us what the switch was for, we told him that it flipped the board over to reveal a clean writing surface. He then proceeded to flick the switch many times, with no resulting magical board reversal. Exclaiming that it was clearly broken, he remained utterly oblivious to the fact that the lights were constantly going on and off.

When mouthed to someone, the lip-reading recipient will interpret this as "I love you". On their begging your pardon, you could then reply, "I said elephant juice, dummy."

This was briefly popular at our school until Steven Richardson blurted out "I love you!" to Andy Scott, missing the point entirely, but confirming what we already knew.

The fat bloke out of Brush Strokes, therefore any fat person in any class in any school, from 1986-88. In particular, Andrew Barlow. Andrew delivered swift and heavy justice to people who called him Elmo. He was the tallest boy in the year, and so was in the most commanding position to deliver a painful bundy. The fat bloke was also in Chelmsford 123, with a similarly stupid fat sounding name. This caught on for a brief while, but appalling as Brush Strokes was, it was better than fucking Chelmsford 123.

Anyone who kicked Cheesy, stole his bag or merely expressed a different opinion to him in polite conversation instantly became his emeny, and he'd waste no time telling them as much. I suspect he'd have had less emenies if he hadn't insisted on using a bastardisation of the English language generally reserved for children 10-12 years younger.

A deeply regrettable insult on the part of the inventor. Referring to the eczema of his opponent, and the emery board like complexion of his epidermis, the insult just sort of hung there for a few seconds before the cries of "emery what?" and "say that again, you fucking ponce" let him know that he had lost the argument.

In an attempt to make the Encore Tricolore text book more appealing to students, a photo-biography of "Mission:Impossible" star Emmanuelle Béard was included. Despite the misleading name, Emmanuelle Béard had no beard. This matter was swiftly rectified.

The cry i was greeted with every morning on entering the common room. By everyone. Eventually I learned to accept it. They even sang 'Happy Birthday' to me once. It wasn't my birthday.

Let's have the 'Special Studies' class - who don't do much in the way of work anyway - spend a day experiencing what it would be like to be disabled.
An admirable idea irrevocably marred when Tim Ives dropped several valiums and some acid. If you can imagine Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas with the whole cast in wheelchairs, wearing Dreamscape bomber jackets, you're starting to get the picture.

Leathering of the anus, due to excess buggery.

The rudest thing you can say in french without using your imagination. Translated, it means "go fuck yourself", and is the closest that French has to offer to the great British "fuck".
Simply by learning a few more basic words - including dog, mother, suck, tetraplegic, vodka and full anal - you can do much better.

Having watched Clive James eyelessly present clips from the crazed Japanese game show "Endurance", we attempted to create our own test of strength, bravery and stamina... by seeing who could sit for the longest on a hot radiator.

In reality this bore less of a resemblance to a madcap slapstick TV show and more a bizarre ritual by an oriental death cult as wave after wave of young boys chose to voluntarily sterilize themselves.

Epididydoo was a cartoon friendly dinosaurus. The most notable thing about Epididydoo the Friendly Dinosaurus was the fact that his name was plainly based on the epididymis. Epididydoo's adventures were entirely unrelated to the spermatic duct system, however. They were shit.

One of a set of winged male reproductive organs, including the amazing flying testicle, the amazing flying prostate gland and the amazing flying vas deferens, all drawn by me during an engineering drawing lesson. I got an 'A' for biology, and a detention for engineering drawing.

Sufferers of epileprosy are struck by violent fits, which cause various body parts to fly off into people's soup.
Reported cases are limited, but it's still funny more than 5 years on.

Abbreviation of epilectic fit. Usage; "Jesus, don't have an eppie - it's just a bit of blood and some visible bone". A common variation is the school bag swinging eppie fit, where no-one gets near and the eppie fitter is probably crying snot.

The process of having to say "gee burt" or "neeyow, ernie" to work out which Sesame Street character was which. Thought process; "I’m saying Gee Burt, so I must be Ernie… it’s the cuter orange one who says Gee Burt, so Ernie’s the banana one. No – hang on – Burt’s the banana."
Settled once and for all with the memory jogging alliteration of Bert the Banana, Ernie the Orange.

Another noise you can make when somebody does something exceptionally stupid. For instance, after you fox a victim with the classic trick multiplication "What is one times one?", and they answer "two".

The response of the BBC Model B to any statement that didn't follow its unjustifiably strict rules of BASIC. Made for limited fun, so.
> chris is great and everyone likes him
ERROR

The cry from Gavin Byrne's younger brother after 'special needs' Emma dropped her knickers.

Any big kid can hand out essays, you just have to look like you're allowed to. In third year I once gave some snotty little first-year a 1000-word essay on not kicking his ball against the biology lab (which wasn't even against the rules), and the fucker only bloody handed it in the next day. It had been typed and he had clearly got parental assistance, but I was so terrified that I'd get into trouble myself that I accepted it graciously. He never kicked his ball against the wall again, although he did discover later that I couldn't give essays out, and kicked me up the arse. It hurt.

(Good. –Susanwhowasbulliedbypeoplelikeyou)

The Ethiopian famine of the mid 80's gave rise to some particularly horrible jokes. I can't remember them all but a couple stick in my mind: "Did you hear about the nuclear explosion in Ethiopia? - Two million people died trying to eat the mushroom" was one. Another involved pointing at a barcode and asking "what's that?" Most people guessed incorrectly at a barcode, the answer was of course "An Ethiopian family portrait". People even put an Ethiopian slant on mum cussing, ie: "Your mum's fanny is drier than Ethiopia" or just "Your mum's an Ethiopian".

Mnemonic that would help you remember the notes of the treble clef. You could also go with Every Girls Breasts Deserve Fucking, if you were a proper lad who didn't want to think about gays and fudge.

The gaps between the lines of the stave, going upwards, spelled out face. Fuck A Chinaman's Ear never really took off, because the word FACE doesn't really need a mnemonic.

If you ever needed to learn the notes of the Alto Clef, you were probably a bit too into music to be childish about clefs. Which is a shame, because it looks like a big arse.

There was a series of Wally games on the Commodore 64. On the back of one of the games, they actually had the gall to record a novelty song called "Everyone's a Wally". Anyone remember the words?

"Bang, bang. You're dead"
"No, I've got a bulletproof shield"
"But I shot you with nukerler missiles"
"It's a nuclear-proof shield too"
"Ok, Zap, zap. You're dead"
"It's got laser-proof too. It's an everything-proof shield."
"Ok. I get my everything-proof-shield-piercing-bullets and shoot you"

(See also Infinity Plus One)

In Florida, there were always Turkey Vultures that flew, high in the sky. For our neighborhood gang of 5 year olds, there was only one solution to this menace - we formed the Evil Eagle Patrol.
We were armed with plastic bats (which were very real, but not very impressive) and ray guns (vice versa).
And you know Short Circuit, when the authorities are searching the desert for Johnny Five? Well, we'd box the chords from that, too. 'Cos we were ace.