A child with an exceptionally small penis. i.e. a penis so small, it could fit in the hole of a Polo Mint.
Accusations of minterdom are rarely backed up with any form of medical or photographic evidence.

The only foolproof get-out clause for any given insult. This retort is to be delivered quickly and breathlessly, and for extra kick, suffixed with "no returns!"

"If you're Miss Holland, there must be some bloody ugly people in Holland." Cue hilarity.

Miss Lee was our hippy Deputy Head who ran meditation sessions some lunchtimes. It proved quite popular, but you had to make sure you wore your gym shorts, because everyone knew that Miss Lee lifted up your skirt when you were 'hypnotised'.
No thought was given to how someone COULD hypnotise a whole room of girls or why she would WANT to look up girls' skirts.

Miss Pugh was originally renamed Miss Spew, until we realised that Pugh rhymes with nearly everything. We got this far before our young vocabularies ran out;

I saw you, and Scooby Doo, in the loo at half past two, in london Zoo shagging Miss Pugh while doing a poo in your shoe.

Nowadays, of course, we'd have had lines like "you eschew my poos of reddish hue to guzzle the goo of a kangaroo". But back then, it was all about foot-scat cottaging threesomes with dogs.

When playing Battleships in study period, under the tolerant eye of a female teacher, be sure to report unlucky guesses with a plaintive "Miss...", thus ensuring that she constantly has to look up from her work.

Our English teacher, Miss Richardson, was notable for her complete inability to maintain order in the classroom. Then she became pregnant. Get in.
Someone would shout out "Miss!" to get her attention. Someone else would follow this up by shouting "carriage!". She loved us for that.

Mr Jenkins (cross between Sylvester McCoy and Windsor Davies) sputtered with rage every assembly about the danger of Swizzle Lollys. Apperently if dropped from the tower block windows, they would ACT AS A MISSILE, and if a child looked up and was hit by such a lolly, THE CONTENTS OF THEIR EYE WOULD LITERALLY SPILL OUT! Naturally, our young imaginations were set alight, and many experiments ensued with kids being forced to look up with open eyes at the windows while lollies were aimed at their face. With disappointing, spill-free results.

Mo: Abbreviation of ‘Homo’. Also a verb, "he moes/he mo-ed/they are mowing." To gay up.

(Lengthy entry ruthlessly trimmed to size by Susan)

The method by which you got rid of a person you no longer wished to associated yourself with. The least popular person of the group, you sent them to the nearest chip shop for the mockjop supper, and when they returned you had all buggered off.
This left the poor supper-ee bewildered, confused, and thoroughly rejected. But with a nice bit of fish.

Word owing its origin to a fusion of the two words molecule and models. These brightly coloured kits of plastic balls and flexible grey sticks were routinely handed out in organic chemistry classes to allow pupils to visualize complex hydrocarbons by building them themselves.
The perennial teacher cry of "don't just make a man and a dog" was traditionally met by a bunch of children waving a man and his little dog.

Say this while holding your hand out requesting a charitable donation. Best said as 'Money for the creeple, cream for my neeple' as it sounds desperate and convincing.
No-one ever asked about the whereabouts of the 'creeple', or to see the affected 'neeple', nor did they technically actually donate any money. Still, it's better than bloody Children in Need, isn't it?

The name given to those high-topped American trucker caps with mesh at the back. Became all the rage for a while. Name derives from the fact that all Mongs wear these caps. All the time. (As indeed do cancer patients).

The classic "Damn seagulls" mong cap, replete with hilarious fake bird poo, would be worn for mong-acting sessions, moaning "Damn seagulls" in a retarded voice and swiping at imaginary seagulls.

A toy that - if you weren't educationally subnormal - would be snatched from you and confiscated, with an unsympathetic order to "grow up".
You are only allowed a mong dolly if a) you are a mong, and b) you're willing to cry for six hours if anyone so much as touches it.

Tom Williams had a retarded sister. One day I went to visit him, she answered the door, took us into the kitchen and made us coffee. We brought it to our lips and discovered she'd put lumps of cheese into it. To celebrate this, we wrote her The Mong Stuff, to the tune of NKOTB's The Right Stuff.
Your first wheelchair was a good one
your second one was shit
The third one's got BMX wheels
Can I have a ride in it?
You've got the mong stuff
Sarah
That's why you chew toffee
You've got the mong stuff
Sarah
Why'd you put cheese in the coffee?

There were a few kids in our school unfortunate to be born with Down's Syndrome. One of these was particulally violent when provoked by somewhat unusual things. For example, fire alarms and pencils. When on one of his funny turns, he was granted tremendous Mong Power by the Lord, and would deal out tremendous, often uncalled for beatings to anyone who got too close. We didn't see much of Mong the Merciless after this had happened a few times, as he was forced to leave our school to be moved to a special unit. God knows where he is now, but I wouldn't be suprised if it was fairly secure and had plenty of sedatives near by. Poor Bastard.

I was told that monks in France used to suck mercury off the floor using their anuses, hold it in their rectums for short amounts of time, then let it back out again. Apparently doing this aided relaxation and provided relief from stress. I did believe his story until I realised that sucking things up with your arse isn't really feasible.

An unfortunate girl with severe learning disabilities who shat herself. She ran from the classroom and came back in saying "I was halfway down the stairs when it just slipped out". She had to wear the secretarys pants for the rest of the day. I also flicked a mackerel's eye into her hair, but not on the same day.

A particularly spotty individual who was deemed to have more than just a crater-face amount of acne.

Looking at "fuck fuck willy willy wank wank piss" reminded me of a phrase I concocted in those 'fuck the system' times everyone has in the fifth form. The phrase, scribbled in red felt-tip pen in my history exercise book, was MOOQUACKAPOOTOOWEEWILLYPLOP* which is as rousing a cry to revolution as the masses have ever heard. Shortly afterwards many of my friends found God and stopped indulging in such puerile behaviour. Remaining heathen and filled with revolutionary fervour, I soon abandoned all pretence of doing history homework, instead decorating the pages of my exercise book with such masterpieces as "ah am de weel tar-zan" and "ziggyziggyzoo". These manifestoes, though beautifully illustrated, did not endear me to the history teacher. * pronounced, naturally enough, as 'moo-quacka-poo-too-wee-willy-plop'

This should be bellowed at volume in a packed corridor, giving all present license to start shoving and punching those in close proximity.

We had developed a habit of riding invisible motorcycles around the corridors of our secondary school, accompanied by sound effects. As this was done without regard for the health & safety of non-participants, the headmaster saw fit to ban the practice.

One day he had caught Kenneth Keene and James Spencer joyriding in the corridor, and was in the middle of giving them a ticking off when another 'biker' came tearing past them. The furious head shouted at Ken to go after the boy and bring him back, so Ken climbed on his imaginary bike, kickstarted it and roared off in hot pursuit.

Michael Michael Motorcycle,
Turn the key and watch him pee.
The stock schoolyard chant for when you wanted to torment someone by the name of Michael for no other reason than the fact that his name was Michael.
Other popular variants include "John John Leprechaun", who also did a pee when you turned a key.

The title of a popular cartoon of mine, starring a weeping bear lying in a bed, a large puddle of piss spreading beneath him.
The phrase "Mr Bear has wet himself" was inexpicably funny.
The original "Mr Bear" drawing has long since disappeared, although rumours of a copy on E-bay selling for £6 remain unsubstantiated.

Mr Jennar had to wear glasses with lenses like icecubes. To help him out I would do my homework in impossibly small writing using a 0.015 Rotring art pen and a magnifying glass; I found that by doing this I generally got improved marks. I can only assume that he didn't want to let on that he was technically blind, and simply gave my shoddy offerings the benefit of the doubt.