Tom (or 'Askew' as we like to call him (it means "not quite straight" apparently)) was the ugliest person I have ever seen. He had a huge nose that looks to have been grafted very poorly onto his face, terrible acne and perhaps the worst luck imaginable. Generally his mishaps were sex related (usually during 'onesomes'). These ranged from being conned into bringing a porn magazine into school so that we could grass him up for fun; being caught 'in good hands' by his Dad; getting jazz videos stuck in the machine and perhaps most sickeningly of all, shagging his bed.
"Why?" I can hear you cry. The truth is I don't know, don't know why he did it (it can't be very pleasureable surely) and don't know why he told someone (okay, me) about it, I was always going to tell someone (okay, everyone) about it wasn't I?
That'll teach him for calling me gay, the dirty bed shagger.