An unsolveable enigma, a confounding mystery a poo conundrum. Based on a time when an orderly queue of some twenty or so pupils had formed outside our boys’ toilets, eager to steal a glimpse of the wonder within. Somebody or something had somehow managed to deposit a spectacularly healthy looking stool, right at the absolute, trigonometrically-perfect-epicentre of the large tiled floor. This wondrous turd-column was 10 metres away from any wall, appeared to have suffered no impact-collapse from its deposition on the floor and was unaccompanied by wee-wee or any other form of calling cards. The party responsible was never found. After weeks of analysis we failed to identify anyone bright enough to work out the maths involved, or, thoughtful enough to have carried out such a needlessly well-considered act of dirty genius. It was a poo conundrum.

For some reason our school was extremely prone to such poo-related pranks. Three quick stories spring to mind:

1. Firstly, I once wandered in to a cubicle (presumably to blow my nose since I never once had a poo in a school cubicle, not being clinically insane) to be confronted by a wonderful sight: Someone had created an elaborate nest of toilet roll, pinning it in place majestically with the bog seat. They had then planted a single turd smack bang in the middle. What they did with the rest of their shit, piss, etc, and whether or not they went into another cubicle to wipe their arse is unknown to me.
2. Secondly, in year 8, our absurdly naive head of year Miss Baines informed us that someone had shat in a paper tea cup and balanced said cup on top of a toilet door, with the result that it landed on the caretaker's head, and "he had to go home to clean himself up". Since we were 12 or 13 at the time, the reaction was not the shocked horror that Miss Baines expected, needless to say. I still can't stop laughing at the thought of an evil genius squatting over a paper tea cup and then somehow getting out of the bogs having balanced the cup on the top of the inside of the only exit. Especially considering the toilet in question was internal and had no windows.
3. Finally, my brother once saw a turd outside in the playground, in a crisp packet. I do not know what brand of crisp it was, but my brother assured my that it was “definitely human shit".