| Report for Lieutenant Penis E. McPenis | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 1 |
| Rejected stories | 7 |
| Deleted stories (hidden) | 15 |
| Summary | Mean Boy |
When playground football becomes boring, it is a known fact that children turn to abusing their peers. That is exactly what we did to Mike Lelliott in year 8. Every lunchtime without fail several of us would pin him down and remove his shoes, tie, blazer, etc and throw them as high as possible into the "Diplomat's tree" (fuck knows why it was called that) and then we would simply abandon poor mike. I remember one such occasion when I hid his socks in crisp packets and threw them in a bush, and it was only by chance that we found them three months later... fast forward to year 9, and an art lesson with eccentric dickhead Mr Symonds (who ALWAYS wore green and brown and called you "lads" regardless of gender)the start of the lesson went thusly:
(everybody enters the room and sits down)
Symonds: Uh, take out your books please lads
(everybody takes out their books. except mike.)
Symonds: Uh, Mike- where is your book?
Mike: In my bag, sir
SYmonds: Uh, take it out then please
Mike: I don't have my bag sir
Symonds: Uh, why not mike?
Mike: 'Cos stuart threw it on top of a bush
At that point Symonds left the room with a stool to stand on and a broom to poke the bag down with but I managed to convince Mike that he was going to pole vault over the hedge and knock the bag down with a broom. The twat.
The funniest thing to happen was definitely at the end of year 13 though. Just before our final assembly, we were all gathered outside the hall waiting to go in. Suddenly a large group arrived from the other side of the train tracks (our school was next to a train line) and announced proudly to the assembled masses "We've just tied Lelliott to a tree in Stratford park" which was met by much applause. But not as much applause as when Lelliott walked into assembly half an hour late. The gayest thing was that he'd volunteered to be tied to the tree in the first place.
(everybody enters the room and sits down)
Symonds: Uh, take out your books please lads
(everybody takes out their books. except mike.)
Symonds: Uh, Mike- where is your book?
Mike: In my bag, sir
SYmonds: Uh, take it out then please
Mike: I don't have my bag sir
Symonds: Uh, why not mike?
Mike: 'Cos stuart threw it on top of a bush
At that point Symonds left the room with a stool to stand on and a broom to poke the bag down with but I managed to convince Mike that he was going to pole vault over the hedge and knock the bag down with a broom. The twat.
The funniest thing to happen was definitely at the end of year 13 though. Just before our final assembly, we were all gathered outside the hall waiting to go in. Suddenly a large group arrived from the other side of the train tracks (our school was next to a train line) and announced proudly to the assembled masses "We've just tied Lelliott to a tree in Stratford park" which was met by much applause. But not as much applause as when Lelliott walked into assembly half an hour late. The gayest thing was that he'd volunteered to be tied to the tree in the first place.
Before it was demolished and a brand new music centre was built, the music lessons at Marling School were held in a shit building, called Grafton House.
One room in Grafton House that contained only a comfortable chair. A spectacular design feature of this room was that the door could only be opened from the outside.
So, rumours flew around that this room was where the music teacher kept his stash of mind-blowing pornography. If you thought you had seen sex, then this pornography would put you right, by blowing your mind.
The imaginations of normal children in this situation stretches to a writhing black shape, with a compelling question mark on top. So once a child had become so curious as to go inside, he would be locked inside, forever*, with only a comfortable chair to sit on, and his imagination to wank with.
*Not forever.
One room in Grafton House that contained only a comfortable chair. A spectacular design feature of this room was that the door could only be opened from the outside.
So, rumours flew around that this room was where the music teacher kept his stash of mind-blowing pornography. If you thought you had seen sex, then this pornography would put you right, by blowing your mind.
The imaginations of normal children in this situation stretches to a writhing black shape, with a compelling question mark on top. So once a child had become so curious as to go inside, he would be locked inside, forever*, with only a comfortable chair to sit on, and his imagination to wank with.
*Not forever.
To my group of friends, Trio was a tag-style game in which one person was "it" and had to count to 30. Everybody else ran off around the estate and had to make their way back to the park ("it's" domain) and touch the sacred tree, and say (trio 1-2-3) or something. Then you were safe. If "it" touched the tree before you, you were out. The first person out is "it" in the next game. Bobby managed to walk unnoticed with a band of strangers right up to the tree and get in. I was less lucky. I made a mad dash for the tree, and ran face first- no, MOUTH first into it. The fact that I had a brace at the time only doubled my pain but it was fucking funny. I stayed in, too.
Bobby walked into a lamp post the other day whilst writing a text message.
Bobby walked into a lamp post the other day whilst writing a text message.
Every Science lesson, myself and Will Mansfield (AKA Bill Fieldmans) would raid kieran's pencil case, and use everything we found inside to construct a miniature fortress- fort kieran- which came complete with a tiny paper flag at its pinnacle with a K drawn on.
In RE lessons I also used to nick Mike Lelliott's pencil case (which we were convinced was made of cow's ass) and empty its contenets into the bin before turning it inside out and zipping it up. Ah, the fun.
In RE lessons I also used to nick Mike Lelliott's pencil case (which we were convinced was made of cow's ass) and empty its contenets into the bin before turning it inside out and zipping it up. Ah, the fun.
My mate Mark Perrill is called exactly that, though without the "s" - Manhead. In (yet another) science lesson- this seems to be where the funniest things happened at school- George Pennington scratched into a table "I am Manhead" and so when we were in a different science lesson, our other teacher burst in "Who here calls themselves Manhead?" which left Perrill helpless as he has a hoss head.
Strangely, we remixed the phrase to "Who here goeth by the name of Manhead?" which kept us amused for at least three years.
Strangely, we remixed the phrase to "Who here goeth by the name of Manhead?" which kept us amused for at least three years.
We play a game called trio around my parts... not so much of a school game as one in our local area but it's cool and I suggest you try it... basically, find a tree. That is "base" and one person stays behind guarding it. All the others go off and disperse around the street/ housing estate/ town/ country/ wherever while the guardian counts to 30, or 100 or something. After that, you have to try to get back to the tree. If you are spotted approaching the tree, the guardian must touch the tree and say "one two three x is out" before you do the same (but instead of declaring yourself out, you say "in"). If he does it first, you are out- if you do it first then you are safe. First person safe wins, then it's a race for everyone else- last person back starts as guardian for the next game. Gettit? It's not that hard.
Hilarious out-takes include me running into the tree face first at incredible speed, saving myself from a toothless life only by the fact i was wearing braces; and fream walking unnoticed with a group of passers-by and sneaking his way in. Mega fun, chaps.
Hilarious out-takes include me running into the tree face first at incredible speed, saving myself from a toothless life only by the fact i was wearing braces; and fream walking unnoticed with a group of passers-by and sneaking his way in. Mega fun, chaps.
Here's a little pervert's trick modelled by my cousin rick a couple of nights ago...
RICK: Fiona, I bet you 50p I can move your tits without you touching them.
FIONA: Go on then, you horny stud
RICK: *Grabs Fiona's tits and jiggles them*
FIONA: But you touched my tits!
RICK: Yeah I know, here's 50p
FIONA: I don't get it.
Ok I admit it's not very funny in itself, but Fiona's reaction and inability to get the joke made it worthwhile. Plus, I got to go home and do it to my girlfriend. But I do it for free. Lots.
RICK: Fiona, I bet you 50p I can move your tits without you touching them.
FIONA: Go on then, you horny stud
RICK: *Grabs Fiona's tits and jiggles them*
FIONA: But you touched my tits!
RICK: Yeah I know, here's 50p
FIONA: I don't get it.
Ok I admit it's not very funny in itself, but Fiona's reaction and inability to get the joke made it worthwhile. Plus, I got to go home and do it to my girlfriend. But I do it for free. Lots.
I remember once during GCSE English taking Mike Lelliott's book and drawing all over the page he was working on, various images of penises, swear words and the like- but the best were a giraffe/Mike hybrid and a picture of the sun holding a gun and a dripping knife saying "I'll tek the fookin' lot of yuz".
The English teacher saw it, Mike quickly singled me out as the culprit and I was passed from teacher to teacher to be punished until I landed in front of the head of year, who just said "its pretty immature, you wouldn't like it if he did it to you (to be honest I couldnt give a fuck if he did or didn't) now fuck off"
The English teacher saw it, Mike quickly singled me out as the culprit and I was passed from teacher to teacher to be punished until I landed in front of the head of year, who just said "its pretty immature, you wouldn't like it if he did it to you (to be honest I couldnt give a fuck if he did or didn't) now fuck off"