As a pupil at an all boys school, the number of flesh-and-blood women suitable for adolescent masturbation fantasies was limited. A discussion of the subject revealed that only two or three female teachers were utilised by the whole class. A suggestion was made that this made us all gay, and so, not wanting to appear gay, the idea of wanking rights arose. Essentially this was the same as calling "shotgun" for a car - the first person to see the teacher that day would shout "wanking rights!" when the teacher was first sighted, usually as she entered a classroom, and that person would then have the sole rights to wank thinking of that woman for one day.

Our RE teacher added, "I saw a circumcision once. It put me right off spaghetti hoops".

The winner of any game of Jean-Luc Picard is the person who says "Jean-Luc Picard" last. A telephone game is quite easy, as you can just hang up after shouting it - in real life, you can't really run off because the other person will just shout "Jean Luc Picard", and it's difficult to keep shouting at each other as you walk away, and work out who heard who say "Jean Luc Picard" last.
The answer is to calmly intone "Jean-Luc Picard", then put your hands over your ears, and run away squealing. This is both dignified and mature.

During breaktime, collect a few large stones. Inform a peer that you are about to have a shit in the pond, then drop the stones behind your back, slightly squatting, making ever-increasingly tortured straining noises before each is released. When boredom sets it, try using different, larger and more irregular objects, or better still, perform to the girls.

Imagine how our Italian lecturer would say the molecular biology term 'Beta sheet'.

The circular whirring pads that can be found on industrial floor-buffers.
Any of Catriona's diseases can be passed on by contact with one of these pads.
You were immune from these diseases as long as your contact with the pad was limited to wanging it at someone else.

Don't forget "pams" and "amps", which are used for the sides of the head should the forehead be unspammable, or rear be off the maps. By using these four techniques in combination, every eventuality is covered, and someone
will be hit somewhere.

Witnessed only once, on a lane close to my home. A large, firm dog turd had been painstakingly cut into sections and arranged to form the imperative "EAT ME". I was young enough to wonder whether there might have been magic growth or shrinkage qualities transferred to the eater had I obeyed; but not quite brave enough to try. Now I'll never know.

As good a name as any for someone who tries to light a cigarette between his knees.

I knew a lad with a Japanese mum and an English dad. His mum had insisted on giving him a traditional Japanese first name - Ken. His dad's surname was Barlow. I think he'd have had a less miserable time of it at school if he'd been called Chris P. Wanksock.