The proud logo at the top of the Jesus In Me noticeboard.
Funny because Jesus never ejaculated when he was alive, and definitely doesn't ejaculate now he's inside you. He pulls out at the last minute, and a little cloud of holy steam fires out with a toot toot.
A gang. Jab Warrior activity was primarily jabbing other pupils with a compass without them figuring out who did it, usually between classes when the corridors were packed. Movement up the ranks of The Jab was speedy if you could secretly: A. Draw blood B. Jab somebody who was hard/older and not be found out (largely theoretical - jabbing was generally confined to younger, weaker pupils) C. Jab a teacher (see B) Higher ranking in The Jab afforded you unimaginable privileges.
King Charles Spaniels that look like they are ready to explode with even the gentlest application of a woodwork vice.
The name that a girl could unlock if she was anywhere between "shapely" and "hot whopper", and showed an ill-advised glimmer of sexual interest in anything
The acrophiliac song. For those of you who don't know, an acrophiliac is someone who has sexual intercourse with the dead.
Don't tell him, readers!
My name is jack,
I'm an acrophiliac
I fuck dead bodies
When they are cremated
I get frustrated
Cos there aint no lust,
In fucking dust
my name is gus
im an acrophilius
I fuck my mother
and suck my brother
When they die - I wont cry
Cos just like jack
Im an acrophiliac
You know how you should never laugh at someone for pronouncing a word wrong, because it means they learned the word from a book? (Instead, you should simply laugh at them for reading books.) Well, this is the opposite: you must absolutely laugh at this guy for thinking "a necrophile" is "an acrophile", because it means he only has oral experience of necrophilia. By which I mean he sucked off my dead dad
The name given to trousers that are too short in the leg. Usually worn with white socks by scutters, making the jack ups even more obvious.
A Children's TV show in which grown ups would sit in a chair and read from a storybook, as cameras occasionally panned slowly across a drawing as a substitute for "action".
This show, dedicated to fantastical storytelling, became a synonym for bullshit. When a story (usually an account of sexual athleticism from the hairy boy) is obviously biglies, you can shout "Jackanory!", or more subtly checking your watch and saying "Oh, is it 4.15 already?"
#2 in the lies of Troy Hawkins series.
In Year 11, when Troy was 15, he became engaged to "Jackie D", who lived in another town, and was indistinguishable from Pamela Anderson. The next day he came in with a ring on his wedding finger, a ring which was made from platinum. Although too small for his finger, the ring was worth many hundreds of pounds. With admirable dignity, Troy kept his mouth shut for weeks on the matter, until one day he arrived at school without his platinum ring. Sadly, Jackie D's father had found out about the engagement, and beated Troy's fiancee to death.
Product placement version of soggy biscuit.
Legendary mime performed by me in maths that got me kept behind for one of those "now I know you're only doing this to hide how upset you are" chats from the Mrs. Pearcey. The mime essentially involved playing dead, but as it was the week after the tragedy, I was generally believed to be as topical and more satirically daring than "Have I Got News For You". By me. Everyone else thought I had gone too far, and those really annoying sanctimonious girls got me told off with great glee. Whores.
The Keystone Kops style chases that ensued whenever we decided to forcefeed the class diabetic jam doughnuts "for research". Another boy in our class wanted to put Tizer in his insulin. He was persuaded against it.
Chris Pankhurst's little catchphrase was Jammy Dodger. As in "you jammy dodger". Obviously, this is an awful catchphrase, and when an entire class rounded on him for saying such shit so often, he flew into a genuinely terrifying rage, and screamed "YOU JAMMY... SCORPION"
Clearly, he required the opposite of a dodger. Which is a scorpion. Clearly.
This game involves running around "shooting" each other with "guns". Of course, having no uniforms or other way of distinguishing between the two sides you had to ask "Jap or Brit?" before shooting. Luckily, real wars are more organised, with different sides wearing easily distinguishable colours, except for spies, who wear black.
Jason Moody - a hopeless case. Raised on butter sandwiches (most of which he'd hurl grumpily to the ground) and given to muttering to himself as he ricocheted through life. He eventually got himself removed from mainstream education with a show-stopping performance during an R.E. lesson in which he combined shouting out the (wrong) answers to the piss-easy test we were doing and exposing himself to the girls in the front row at key moments.
A friend of mine was habitually ridiculed by his French teacher of all people over his weight problem and alternative life style. The classroom humiliation took the form of him being asked to say he was tired in French to which he would have to reply "je suis fatty-gay". Such role reversal of cruelty was unsettling to our young minds.
The winner of any game of Jean-Luc Picard is the person who says "Jean-Luc Picard" last. A telephone game is quite easy, as you can just hang up after shouting it - in real life, you can't really run off because the other person will just shout "Jean Luc Picard", and it's difficult to keep shouting at each other as you walk away, and work out who heard who say "Jean Luc Picard" last.
The answer is to calmly intone "Jean-Luc Picard", then put your hands over your ears, and run away squealing. This is both dignified and mature.
A pre-awareness method of catching AIDS (before even the interim measure of being HIV+ was known about) was to fall asleep in your jeans - something that gay people were known for in the 80s. Of course I know it's rubbish, but I'm taking no chances.
The origins of this one begin, and probably end, with my cousin. "There once was a man by the name of Jed, Went for a wank in a garden shed, Spunk bubbles like a black man's toothpaste" Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies.
Jelly cubes - the kind that your mum dissolves in boiling water to make a Sunday treat - can be moistened with spit to make cheap alternatives to those sticky octopuses that crawl down windows, leaving a pleasing smear.
i was eating the jelly us poor kids on free school dinners got after the fish fingers, chips and (cold)mushy peas, when i looked up at the Gypo kid( he really was, he had a caravan and everything)sitting across from me, and saw my jelly on his face. Not literally, See, this kid had such a spotty red face and it looked just like the school dinner jelly where it hadn't melted in the water peoperly leaving blobs of red, thus resulting in an exact replica of this scabs face. I never ate school jelly after that as it just didn't taste the same, all i could taste was puss and sh*t. What a bastard though, you know, like it was'nt bad enough i was poor and couldn't afford my own food, he had to deprive me of the free food aswell. So take note spotty kids, (and Gypos) poor kids are hungry!
Satirical verse coming in two forms. Either;
Jesus Christ, Superstar
Went round the corner on a Yamaha (also Jaguar, motor car)
Did a skid,
Killed a kid,
Went back to heaven on a dustbin lid.
The idea that Jesus would come to Earth, cause death by reckless driving, then return to heaven - naturally enough - on a flying dustbin lid, was cheerfully sacreligous. Another version;
Jesus Christ, Superstar,
Wears frilly knickers and a Wonderbra
Was more directly and punishably blasphemous.
A religious alternative to crossing the streams.
To a male Christian:
A : "Do you love Jesus?"
B : "Yes"
C : "AAAAH AAAAAH UUURGH EEWW EEEEE YOU'RE GAY!!!!!!!"
Also consider "Do you have Jesus In You?"
The Bank of Jerusalem had it's South London branch in the playground of St Catherine's, Morden.
One day after it had rained, a few people, destined to become founders of this esteemed financial institution decided to rid themselves of their coppers/ loose change by throwing them into a particularly large, muddy puddle. It was then christened 'The Bank of Jerusalem' under the apprehension that it would never need to provide anyone with a withdrawal. This went on for a few days, the bank's profits were on the verge of £5, as various investors showed off their stauts by making deposits of ever increasing sizes. The puddle was diminishing in size as time went by, thereby becoming all the more muddy, as it's lower depths began to be revealed.
Sean Garrity obviously saw himself as an enterprising blagger and decided (one breaktime)to liberate the funds from the BoJ to the horror of it's customers and all gathered. The lucre may have been filthy, but it was his !
Anti-semitic yes, but we didn't mean it like that. If PE was cancelled, the assembled class of 60-ish boys would spend 2 hours in stuffed into a classroom, "supervised" without fail by an inept teacher. To liven things up, someone would roll a 1p piece to the front of the class. When the teacher noticed it and picked it up, the whole class would stand up and scream "JEW!" at her. I feel ashamed to have been a part of this, but you should have seen her face.