| Report for Dave Palser | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 2 |
| Rejected stories | 8 |
| Deleted stories | 9 |
| Summary | Mean Boy |
The grave of "Kas" the spirit of the ouija is actually somewhere at the bottom of Quinton Cemetery by the hole in the iron railings. Merely going near this area will give you a smattering of dark powers with which to amaze and disturb your friends, but if you leave a note on the grave then Satan owns your soul. Apparently.
A variation of the sandwhich, brought by kids from poorer families, intended to be eaten at lunchtime but usually devoured during morning registration, or stolen and trodden into the ground by "bigger boys". The "Stanwhich" consisted of nasty white "Pov-bread" (the economy /home brand) purchsed for 5p a loaf; wrapped around "Hazlett" or some other foul smelling beef bi-product. Named after famous Lordswood pov-kid' Robert "Stan" Hipson, the typical runt of the litter that was forced to wear elder sibling's cast-offs and stank of piss. Still a term banded around the school, 20 years later, apparently. Usually expressed in a manner of extreme and exaggerated revulsion: eg. "Urrrgh, those stanwhiches, really honk you fucking pov"
A term given to someone who thought himself a lot "harder" than he actually was. When the hard man has started to throw his weight around, a chorus of "Ooooh, Joe Rock" is very often shouted (from a safe distance) by smaller-or quicker kidsthat are most likely destined to have the shit knocked out of them at a later date.
A corruption of the term "smart" and used in a sneering manner when to deflate someone's ego.
eg. Jon Lee wearing his ankle length cowboy boots and feeling cool about his rebellious fashion statement, but then shot down in flames to the cry of "Yeah, SCHMART boots.
eg. Jon Lee wearing his ankle length cowboy boots and feeling cool about his rebellious fashion statement, but then shot down in flames to the cry of "Yeah, SCHMART boots.
In the 80's, Birmingham's once famous "Paki market" was the main place to shop if you didn't have a lot of cash in the family coffers. Kids from poorer homes (Pov-kids) would often be clothed entirely with budget-price togs from this collection of Paki stalls that were more often as not owned and run by Asians.
The funny thing about the Paki Market, was that most items seemed to cost £2.99 - whatever it was: Parka-coat, leather-look biker jacket, Rubiks Cubes or copies of "Now Thats What I Call Music"; it all seemed to be £2.99
Competition was high between the paki taders, especially those selling Betmax video cassettes of popular films, and so to have "one up" on the next guy, the stallholder would often throw in some promotional packaging that he had -often illegally -aquired from Amit's Video Rentals bins. For example if you wanted to buy a copy of "Halloween", the additional promotional artwork in the form of a cardboard-cutout would often clinch the deal, and the cry "Only 2.99 and a cardoard cutout" would often be heard.
This term somehow found its way into the Lordswood vocabulary of abuse, and was often directed at either: a/ Pakistani lads, who would wonder what these stupid white kids were on about/found so funny; (in this case the phrase was uttered/sang in a Jim Davidson/"It Ain't arf Hot Mum!" style Indian accent and would often be accompanied by the waving of hands at each side of the head, and the pulling of a "Paki-face"- a curious gurning that involved sticking your jaw out as far as possible and rolling your eyes)
or b/ directed at the "pov kids" upon coming to school wearing a new coat.
The funny thing about the Paki Market, was that most items seemed to cost £2.99 - whatever it was: Parka-coat, leather-look biker jacket, Rubiks Cubes or copies of "Now Thats What I Call Music"; it all seemed to be £2.99
Competition was high between the paki taders, especially those selling Betmax video cassettes of popular films, and so to have "one up" on the next guy, the stallholder would often throw in some promotional packaging that he had -often illegally -aquired from Amit's Video Rentals bins. For example if you wanted to buy a copy of "Halloween", the additional promotional artwork in the form of a cardboard-cutout would often clinch the deal, and the cry "Only 2.99 and a cardoard cutout" would often be heard.
This term somehow found its way into the Lordswood vocabulary of abuse, and was often directed at either: a/ Pakistani lads, who would wonder what these stupid white kids were on about/found so funny; (in this case the phrase was uttered/sang in a Jim Davidson/"It Ain't arf Hot Mum!" style Indian accent and would often be accompanied by the waving of hands at each side of the head, and the pulling of a "Paki-face"- a curious gurning that involved sticking your jaw out as far as possible and rolling your eyes)
or b/ directed at the "pov kids" upon coming to school wearing a new coat.
A US term for any mother who decided to have a child later on her life. Particular pleasure should be taken from the fact that the child is more likely to see his mother die long before yours, affording you many years of actual "dead mum" jokes before you have to deal with the trauma yourself.
"How old's ya Mom?"
"48"
"Hahaha, Coffin-Mom"
"How old's ya Mom?"
"48"
"Hahaha, Coffin-Mom"
BULLSHIT
"Joey's Belm" was a stictly 6th Form band experience that threatened to play -nay headline- the 1985 traditional "concert" of student acts held in the last week of every academic year. It was a lacklustre heavy metal affair, that amounted to nothing after 6 weeks of rehearsing "I wanna Rock " by Twised Sister and original song "The Warrior", before members realised it was "never going to work with that wanker Paul Rogers on drums."
Also the nickname given to tragic Motley Crue- lookalike-wannabe Lee Haynes, who uncannily had the very same zip-cock entanglement around 1985, much to the hilarity of all.
Dave Lakins was absent from school for a long time, allegedly recieving a course of psychotherapy. Given that it is a known fact that anyone who receives a course of psychotherapy is an axe-wielding homicidal maniac, Dave was greeted with screeching cries of "axemaaaaan!" and the Psycho-violin-inspired "eee!eee!eee!eee!".
In the lazy crazy seventies, everyone wanted to mimic the onscreen adventures of Steve "Six Million Dollar Man" Austin.
Boys would jump off walls, making a scraping sound because it was in slow motion, and run around at ostensibly super-bionic speeds.
Dave Walker took this one step further - by inserting wires down his sleeves and socks, he would take trusted people to one side, show them his ultra-bionic wiring, and tell them that he was no ordinary eight year old boy.
Now over 16, and keen to impress girls, Dave doesn't like me bringing up his bionic past. Which is lucky, as it'd be no fun otherwise.
Boys would jump off walls, making a scraping sound because it was in slow motion, and run around at ostensibly super-bionic speeds.
Dave Walker took this one step further - by inserting wires down his sleeves and socks, he would take trusted people to one side, show them his ultra-bionic wiring, and tell them that he was no ordinary eight year old boy.
Now over 16, and keen to impress girls, Dave doesn't like me bringing up his bionic past. Which is lucky, as it'd be no fun otherwise.
A ghostly manifestation of a severed hand that haunted a series of bushes along the Ridgeacre Road, Birmingham. Actually it wasn't. It was all a hideous fantasy invented by delusional dreamer, David Walker, and backed up by the placing of an old rubber glove in a holly bush. We weren't convinced- not of this nor the other supposed ghost of his: "The Red Fire" that was rumoured to haunt the graveyard at the back of the school, preying on kids who went in there looking for lost balls.
Yeah, our version was "bum-tit-tit bum-tit-tit, play the little banjo-man"
whith an accompanying hand gesture that suggested masturbation. The "banjo" imagery was always a bit of a mystery, but girls seemed to get offended by it, so we we did it nonetheless.
whith an accompanying hand gesture that suggested masturbation. The "banjo" imagery was always a bit of a mystery, but girls seemed to get offended by it, so we we did it nonetheless.
Often accompanied with the flapping of arms and a rendition of the first few notes.. "Jackanory, Jackanory, du-nu-ner-ner-ner-ner, dunna NER!"in a growing crescendo with the last "NER" screamed within 2 inches of the storytellers face: habitual liars like Ben Coles would find this most unnerving.
"Telling of you
You done a poo
Your face looks like a Kangaroo"
All of which had to be got out in one fast garbled sentence before running to the teacher. Sheer Poetry.
You done a poo
Your face looks like a Kangaroo"
All of which had to be got out in one fast garbled sentence before running to the teacher. Sheer Poetry.
Theproject was to steal as much of Pyatt's property(which obviously had his name etched/scralwed in marker-pen or painstakingly written in TIPEX) and write "is Davros" underneath. This affirmation of Pyatt's true identity was further backed up by his rumoured experimentation on small animals in a kind of DIY vivisescion way- setting fire to hamsters and dissecting live frogs.
Pyatt left school to eventually work in the MOD, who I am sure know nothing of his "creator of the Daleks" identity, or that you could hit him full-on in the stomach with a class room chair without him batting an eyelid.
Pyatt left school to eventually work in the MOD, who I am sure know nothing of his "creator of the Daleks" identity, or that you could hit him full-on in the stomach with a class room chair without him batting an eyelid.
Not convinced, myself. Conor?
The second half is.
Our maths department was a nightmare of SS deathcamp style discipline, and fat Mrs Thorsby was no exception, making the lives of kids in years 1-4 absolute Hell on a daily basis.
Once we reached the 5th year though, she suddenly relaxed, calling us by our first names and even giving out fags if we asked her.I remember sitting by Andrew Price and her gazing at him in a weird way, eventually remarking on "how nice" he looked. BRRRRRRR.
Power Balls.
Ranging in size from about that of a marble to a ping-pong ball; these brightly coloured spheres of highly compressed rubber could be seen bouncing to enormous heights in playgrounds from about 1979-86.
If you really threw one hard to the ground, it would bounce to such a height it would seemingly disappear into the clouds. Not really, but they went fucking high. The downside was that they were largely uncontrollable and would bounce away from their owners into bushes, over walls and into busy roads at a remarkable rate, resulting tears and or horrible accidents on behalf of their hapless persuers.
Ranging in size from about that of a marble to a ping-pong ball; these brightly coloured spheres of highly compressed rubber could be seen bouncing to enormous heights in playgrounds from about 1979-86.
If you really threw one hard to the ground, it would bounce to such a height it would seemingly disappear into the clouds. Not really, but they went fucking high. The downside was that they were largely uncontrollable and would bounce away from their owners into bushes, over walls and into busy roads at a remarkable rate, resulting tears and or horrible accidents on behalf of their hapless persuers.
Mr Hussan had the unfortunate task of being form tutor to 1980-85 Faraday House, and in those mere 5 years he wwent from authoritarian figure of doom to tragic laughable joke. 5 years was all it took to break him. It was his own fault though, why the hell anyone would admit to being a model railway enthusiast to a class of rabid adolescents is beyond me. Plus the combination of sticky-out ears, inch thick lenses on NHS glasses and an accent that made him sound like a birthing sealion were all contributing factors to his downfall. Wonderful japes ensued when we realised that a/ his bark was as toothful as a cornish gurning competition, and that b/ his car was often left unlocked: cue anonymous installation art projects involving screwed up newspaper to the capacity of the interior, and carefully composed painted messages such a s "big ears is a cunt" on the windscreen.
Ponky, are you the Dave Palsy specialist? Take a look at this. A live bullet heated in a vice BY A TEACHER? Chinny on. Palsy is quite clearly a deranged fantasist. Maybe we should have a special category for his mental outpourings.
Our twice weekly terrorism of a ginger git with only 2 suits in his wardrobe included:
1/saving iron filings to ignite in Chemistry later.
2/ melting things in the acid bath.
3/hammering metal into formless "bowls" after being told "it's not a hammer its a planishing mallet" or some such technical guff.
4/ bringing in a live bullet to be welded onto a neck-chain..chaos ensues when the untapped bullet is placed in a vice and heated by the ginger teacher.Not so cocky after that one I can tell you.