| Report for Em Bird | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 4 |
| Rejected stories | 3 |
| Deleted stories | 5 |
| Summary | Could Try Harder |
In Northern Ireland this is known as the 'Red Hand of Ulster' after the provincial flag. I was the subject of much ridicule when I threatened the class cool kid with a 'Red Hot Hamster'.
You can, according to my better-informed schoolmates, tell whether a girl is a virgin or not by whether her knees rub together when she walks. If they don't then she has undoubtedly been riding the entire town and should be buried in a Y-shaped coffin, the dirty little whore.
Let's take Michelle McManus. Her knees definitely rub together when she walks, because she is fat. As it is a well known fact that it is harder to pull fat, ugly, birds than slim attractive ones*, and because, well, NO-ONE wants to shag a fat lass**, this must be true.
*Unless you are a fat ugly bloke.**Unless you are a fat ugly bloke.
Let's take Michelle McManus. Her knees definitely rub together when she walks, because she is fat. As it is a well known fact that it is harder to pull fat, ugly, birds than slim attractive ones*, and because, well, NO-ONE wants to shag a fat lass**, this must be true.
*Unless you are a fat ugly bloke.**Unless you are a fat ugly bloke.
A particularly brainless individual of my acquaintance was understandably proud that his GCSE results, when read down the page spelt FUDGED
F.R.A.N.C.E. of course stands for Free Rides All Night Come Early.
A.D.I.D.A.S. can be either After Dinner I do A Shite or All Day I Dream About Sex. Either way its a good way to subtely take the piss of out far, far cooler kids.
A.D.I.D.A.S. can be either After Dinner I do A Shite or All Day I Dream About Sex. Either way its a good way to subtely take the piss of out far, far cooler kids.
One particularly inept maths teacher once mistakenly announced while trying to explain the wonders of 'volume': 'Now here I have drawn a pair of jugs on the board. You will note that one is larger than the other...'
Teacher exits stage left, hilarity ensues.
Teacher exits stage left, hilarity ensues.
Similarly, the ludicrously diminutive Mr Hughes told his form class on the first day NOT to call him Mr Huge, as it really, really wasn't funny. The result was as predictable as night following day.
I'm sooo above that sort of thing and created the ultimate panic on a school fishing trip, of all things, by slipping handfuls of maggots in everybody's hoods just before started to rain... I kill me I do.
Group panic beyond measure can be created on a school fishing trip by the slipping of handfuls of maggots into everybody's hoods just before it starts to rain.
I think you'll find that the phrase is 'Have you seen a BMW today?'.
The enivitable yes answer (in posher areas anyhow) will result in much laughter and the questioner should yell,
'You saw a black man's willy!!!!URRRGH!!!'
before running gleefully away.
The enivitable yes answer (in posher areas anyhow) will result in much laughter and the questioner should yell,
'You saw a black man's willy!!!!URRRGH!!!'
before running gleefully away.
'Hopefully big and hairy' was the standard response to the Irish version, 'How's the Craic?'
The 'hopefully' is the key to understanding the Irish physche. We like 'em big and bushy, ladies.
The 'hopefully' is the key to understanding the Irish physche. We like 'em big and bushy, ladies.
'Hopefully big and hairy' was the standard response to the Irish version, 'How's the Craic?'
The 'hopefully' is the key to understanding the Irish psyche. We like 'em big and bushy, ladies.
The 'hopefully' is the key to understanding the Irish psyche. We like 'em big and bushy, ladies.
Amazingly The word shatterproof could be cunningly tinkered with to form the ever so insulting 'Shite poof'. When slipped back into the unfortunate's bag this is a top notch form of surrepitious bullying.