While shepherds washed their cocks by night,
While watching BBC
The angel of the Lord came down
And switched to ITV

Our Father, Who Aren't in Heaven,
Hallo What's Your Name?
Gladly the cross I bear... becomes Gladly the Cross-Eyed Bear...
(This last one also appears in The Perishers cartoon strip, which I think pensioners read.)

Oh Come Let Us Adore Him = Oh Come Let Us Ignore Him
Christ The Lord becomes Christ, I'm Bored
Gracious Spirit, Holy Ghost becomes Gracious Spirit, Beans on Toast
Peace is flowing like a river...flowing out of you and me... becomes... well, I think you can guess this one...
We are climbing Jesus' ladder becomes = for ladder, read penis
I close my eyes, drew back the curtains becomes = why not draw back your foreskin?
All dicks bright and beautiful, all creatures grunt and smell
Jesus Christ the Apple Tree, said with a different emphasis, becomes a startled exclamation of surprise.
Service to the loving, honour to the dead becomes bollocks to the Head
Our Father, Who Art In Heaven, Harold By Thy Name
'Blessed are those that come in the House of the Lord', swap House for Mouth
God rest you jerry mental men
do re mi so fa la ti do = dirty asshole farty old soul
Cross over the road my friend,
ask the lord his cock to bend,
hi-is penis knows no end,
cross over the road.
and for the catholics...
benedicta tu becomes benny's dick tattoo
clarior usta rogo becomes clarior usta bollocks (?) and you have to say usta as though you are climaxing. Naturally.

In 1992, just outside our school, our friend Nigel got hit by a car and had his leg broken. Consequently "Cross over the road my friend" soon became the rather forced "Cross over the road Nigel" before muttering something vague about him being stupid and run over in the next line.

Im pretty sure they still sing it like that today.

At junior school, we once had to sing a setting of Martin Luther King's speech on TV, which started "I have a dream, that nothing can conquer". Needless to say, in the playground many things were substituted for the word 'dream'... except that if a less popular kid tried to sing something like "I have a cock, that nothing can conquer", another kid would just say "oh yeah?" and kick the shit out of his crotch.

We thought that replacing Onward Christian soldiers with "Onward fascist bastards" was really right on, and would bring down capitalism and organised religion.
It just made us sound like Rik from the Young Ones.

Our Farter, who farts in heaven... Melanie Bogle (Smellanie Bogie, of course) and I didn't get any further than that. Our subsequent attempts to muffle our laughter resulted in loud snorting noises, which promptly denounced us to the fearsome Mrs. Tuck.

'Good King Wenceslas' :
'When a poor man came in sight/gathering winter fuel' with 'when a poor man came in sight/playing with his tool'

I think we may have Spike Milligan to thank for this.

"When God made the garden of creation he filled it full of his shit!" Delighful blasphemy sung a little too loudly by me and Miller, got caught and biblicaly bollocked by that margaret thatcher looking grisly old cunt Mrs Hopkins.

"The trees of the field shall clap their hands" became "The trees of the field shall crap their pants".

Predictably.

The Virgin Mary had a baby boy
The Virgin Mary had a baby boy
The Virgin Mary had a baby boy...and they say that his name was JEE-SUS...
dnna na na
He came from the glory, he came from the glorious CONDOM
Oh YES believer!
(why?!)

Our headteacher, Mr Bell, drove the most hideous orange Skoda that you can imagine. He also liked us to sing the hymn 'Praise Him' in assembly. How easy did he make it for us?

Skoda, skoda
Buy it in the morning
Breaks down in the evening
Skoda, skoda
Guranteed to let you down.

Although not strictly a hymn, we used to sing "I'd like to teach the world to sing", made popular by the 70's Coke commercial, in morning assembly.
The second verse was sung thus:
"I'd like to build the world a home, and furni SHIT with love...".
Cue much sniggering and the headmaster pointing out that "furnish" and "it" were two seperate words and insisting, much to the annoyance of the teacher playing the piano, we start again.

This was rebellious for primary school:

Cross over the road my friend,
There's a lorry round the bend,
If you want your life to end,
Cross over the road.

Also there was a hymn called "When I needed a neighbour" -
When I needed a neighbour were you there, were you there?

There was a line "I was cold I was naked, were you there, were you there" and that was usually the point where it got drowned out by laughter and had to be stopped, and we all got told off for being stupid. Fools.

Come by Car my lord, come by Car!!!

In a wonderful display of childish humour, my friends became utterly convinced that when singing hymns or indeed just reading the bible, replacing any reference to the God with "Jeff" and any reference to Jesus with "Malcolm" renders the whole thing to make much more sense and a lot more amusing. For instance :

"In the beggining there was Malcolm, and Malcolm was with Jeff and Malcolm was Jeff. He was with Jeff in the beginning" John 1:1

Being a Christian I probably shouldnt find this so amusing... but hey, Im sure he sees the funny side...

We didn't exactly change the words to a hymn, but emphasising one word was enough to warrant a lengthy spell in detention for about thirty of the ringleaders.
"Do you know how many children rise each morning bright and GAY..."
(For full effect stop singing after the word 'and' and revert to shouting, Johnny Rotten style.)

We used to sing a song that had the chorus, "He's got the whole world in his hands", which we were always yelled at for changing to, "He's got the whole world in his pants."

An alternative chorus for "Cross over the Road", in the BBC-approved hymn book Come and Praise (the one with the scary blue pudding-basined kids on the front cover, later replaced with some sort of loaves and fishes motif):

Cross over the road, my friend
There's a lorry coming round the bend
If you want your life to end
Cross over the road

We also had a harvest festival hymn called "The farmer comes to scatter his seed", which requires no amendment.

Lulu

thy kingdom come, thy pedigree chum.

Amen, Arseholes

Virgin mary, virgin cunt

Simple, but effective; the many variants oF "We Three Kings"

"We three kings of Orient are,
Smoking our cigars,
They were loaded,
And exploded,
Blowing our heads to Mars."

"We three kings of Orient are,
Selling ladies underwear,
They're fantastic,
No elastic,
Fifty pence a pair!"

"Shine Jesus Shine" the original chorus
"Shine, Jesus, shine
Fill this land with the Father's glory
Blaze, Spirit, blaze
Set our hearts on fire
Flow, river, flow
Flood the nations with grace and mercy
Send forth your word
Lord, and let there be light"

Year 6 remix
"Shite, Jesus, shite
Fill this land with the farter's glory
Blaze, Spirit, blaze
Set your arse (or 'your farts') on fire
Flow, river, flow
Drown the buggers with grace and mercy
Send forth your turd
Lord, and let there be shite"
After a few assemblys, the deputy head would come and stand near us, so we sang it properly until he trusted us, after which we would continue with our own version.

shite jesus shite,
fill this land with the farters glory
blaze spirit blaze
set our farts on fire