Alternate lyrics of Kylie's debut single, which summarised the plotlines in Neighbours of the time, and added a rubber ducky.
I should be so lucky with my rubber ducky
Strangle Mrs Mangle today
Daphnes had a baby
Called it little Jamie
Bouncers gone a bouncing away.
Then the second verse, which lost its way somewhat...
Daphnes nearly Dying
Gails just arriving
Des doesn't know what to do
Mike's at college showing off his knowledge
Picking up a date or two
I should be so lucky with my rubber ducky
Strangle Mrs Mangle today
Daphnes had a baby
Called it little Jamie
Bouncers gone a bouncing away.
Then the second verse, which lost its way somewhat...
Daphnes nearly Dying
Gails just arriving
Des doesn't know what to do
Mike's at college showing off his knowledge
Picking up a date or two
As a follow-up to a witty one liner, I intended this to mean "what I just said was excellent, I'll accept your money via credit card". My classmates, however, interpreted it as an admission that I liked to stick dildos up my bum.
I want to be an airline pilot(rejected)
The *only* audible words ever spoken by the most Joey-Deacon-esque child at my primary school when asked what he wanted to be when he was older.
Only really hits you how odd this was when you consider that the majority of the school actually thought he was mute given that we'd never heard him speak, not even when his name was called in register, and the fact that he was so odd that he was half an hour late every morning even though he lived 10 seconds walk from school and had usually managed to shat his pants on that journey.
There was no laughter mind, it was absolute stunned silence. Makes me worry every time I get on an easy Jet flight - I'm sure he'd never actually manage a 'this is the captain speaking' type speech, but if anyone has ever flown where there's been no captains speech at all...
Only really hits you how odd this was when you consider that the majority of the school actually thought he was mute given that we'd never heard him speak, not even when his name was called in register, and the fact that he was so odd that he was half an hour late every morning even though he lived 10 seconds walk from school and had usually managed to shat his pants on that journey.
There was no laughter mind, it was absolute stunned silence. Makes me worry every time I get on an easy Jet flight - I'm sure he'd never actually manage a 'this is the captain speaking' type speech, but if anyone has ever flown where there's been no captains speech at all...
I Was Born on a Pirate Ship(pending)
The basic idea of this was the put your two index fingers in the corners of your mouth, thus pulling it wide open.
Then say "I was born on a pirate ship". Your distended mong-like grimace made it sound more like "I was born on a pile of shit" - hilarious!
Try also with the phrase "my dad's a banker and he banks all day".
Only amusing if you're a. under the age of 9 or b. a goody-goody loser who isn't hard enough to swear outright.
Then say "I was born on a pirate ship". Your distended mong-like grimace made it sound more like "I was born on a pile of shit" - hilarious!
Try also with the phrase "my dad's a banker and he banks all day".
Only amusing if you're a. under the age of 9 or b. a goody-goody loser who isn't hard enough to swear outright.
A line from Nora in the A-Level English Literature study-favourite 'A Doll's House' by Frederik Ibsen.
"If only I dared go out. If only no one would come. If only I could be sure nothing would happen here in the meantime. Stuff and nonsense! No one will come. Only I mustn't think about it. I will brush my muff. What lovely, lovely gloves!"
At this point, discipline faded fast.
(Also consider "Ride you tonight, my lord?" from Macbeth)
"If only I dared go out. If only no one would come. If only I could be sure nothing would happen here in the meantime. Stuff and nonsense! No one will come. Only I mustn't think about it. I will brush my muff. What lovely, lovely gloves!"
At this point, discipline faded fast.
(Also consider "Ride you tonight, my lord?" from Macbeth)
I won.(rejected)
at my old school there was a bushy cat claw vine that must have been slighly out of view from the playground aid on on the far side of the field. After watching a Dennis the mence movie and I dared two other girls to see who could tie the one anothers legs togeather the best. We'd strip the vines and creat long braided rope out of them. After a day of playing this I managed to win. Of course the only thing was I couldn't get Amber untied and well, the aid blew the whistle for the kids to go back to class so, being the coward I was, I ditched her, and hauled ass out of there. The last thing I remember is her hopping along in hopeless misery. I remember in class they called in for the sissors.
She never told on me, so thank you Amber.
Rachel R.
She never told on me, so thank you Amber.
Rachel R.
Desk-writing poetry.
I woz ere
Ere I woz
Woz i ere?
Yes I woz
Affirming. My best friend Emily McQuade once filled in the space underneath with:
You are sad
Sad you are
Are you sad?
Yes you are
We liked to imagine the first-year who wrote the original poem seeing that, and crying.
I woz ere
Ere I woz
Woz i ere?
Yes I woz
Affirming. My best friend Emily McQuade once filled in the space underneath with:
You are sad
Sad you are
Are you sad?
Yes you are
We liked to imagine the first-year who wrote the original poem seeing that, and crying.
The infamous statement made by the hottest girl in our entire school in front of all of my friends. Within five seconds my trousers were on the ground. Luckily she followed through, otherwise my all time greatest achievement could easily have been the most embarrasing moment of my life.
Based on the pubescent pop group 3T. Michael Jackson's nephews no less. Tito's sons? Probably.
Their one hit was "I'll Give You Love". Whenever the group performed this on stage, one of them would wear a large rucksack over one shoulder. Then, when he got to the emotional pinnacle of the song - the high bit - he would throw it down on stage in an aroused huff. Every time.
This original move led to an entire month at our school where every lesson we would all, in unison, start the lesson by screaming "I'll give you love" in high whiny voices then slamming our bags down on our desks.
It was in this way that I broke my cartridge pen. We were not a very cool school.
Their one hit was "I'll Give You Love". Whenever the group performed this on stage, one of them would wear a large rucksack over one shoulder. Then, when he got to the emotional pinnacle of the song - the high bit - he would throw it down on stage in an aroused huff. Every time.
This original move led to an entire month at our school where every lesson we would all, in unison, start the lesson by screaming "I'll give you love" in high whiny voices then slamming our bags down on our desks.
It was in this way that I broke my cartridge pen. We were not a very cool school.
i'll kill you, i'll kill u all boy.(pending)
there was this boy who we shut in this cupboard thing, but the door had a window in it so he could see us going through his stuff. Then we got his food, he went apeshit! And started kicking the door and shouting I'll kill you, then pointed at us all and then said i'll kill you all! then kicked the dorr and twisted his ankle.
The cry uttered by me during a complex game of cops and robbers, where the criminal element was far more varied. "I'm a murderer!" "I'm a drug dealer!" etc.
For about a week after the incident, I couldn't sit near a girl without her crying out "Jon, stop trying to rape me!" and occasionally hitting me.
I'm not a rapist. Honest.
The Editors of Playground Law wish to let it be known that they do not endorse Jon James' claim not to be a rapist. If you have been raped by Jon James, please go to the police. Alternately, tell your story here, and we'll do our best to get him sent down for good.
For about a week after the incident, I couldn't sit near a girl without her crying out "Jon, stop trying to rape me!" and occasionally hitting me.
I'm not a rapist. Honest.
The Editors of Playground Law wish to let it be known that they do not endorse Jon James' claim not to be a rapist. If you have been raped by Jon James, please go to the police. Alternately, tell your story here, and we'll do our best to get him sent down for good.
Two kids had been caught fighting. Our headmaster made a big dramatic cautionary speech about it the next day, during which he got rather worked up, causing him to offer the following as his peroration: "So anyone who wants to fight in the future, fight me! I know the alley! I've fought in the alleys! I'm an alley cat!" These ludicrous threats was heard out in stunned silence, only to be much analysed and mused in the following days and months.
Meet Mr Graham Barnes, a physics teacher with an unnaturally high voice. We used to sit at the back of the class shouting 'Graham is gay', prompting him to one day reply with 'I'm not gay'. Naturally enough. From then on, any accusation of someone being gay was met with a barrage of high-pitched voices stating 'I'm not gay'. He once broke down in tears after we told him we had phoned Childline and said he touched us.
After a half-hour barrage of gay insults by the majority of our form, imagine our surprise when tiny Nick Jordan snapped and bellowed the above.
A brief silence followed out of respect and gratitude, before the barrage was resumed. And this time, we had truth on our side.
A brief silence followed out of respect and gratitude, before the barrage was resumed. And this time, we had truth on our side.
I'm on den!(rejected)
The cry which was heard invariably about 10 minutes into break after some scutter tried to tig you when you were blatently "on den".
Which, when written on a piece of paper and read out by someone else, sounds quite funny. Technique tried and tested on The Day Today.
Presumably, you're smelling because you've shat yourself at the prospect of me telling. It rhymed.
I'm telling
you're smelling
you went to batman's wedding
you kissed him
you hugged him
and now you really love him
It's shit, but it's got batman in, so it's great.
you're smelling
you went to batman's wedding
you kissed him
you hugged him
and now you really love him
It's shit, but it's got batman in, so it's great.
What you say before you are old enough to know that it's your spasmojesticles (qv) that hurt when you get hit in them. Although being kicked in the willy might make your pipe hot for a bit.
The slightly confused announcement made in Year 8 by my friend Jon after he briefly pretended to shag a chain-link fence.
I.A.M G.A.Y - in lieu of postcode(pending)
This is a gag that was regularly capitalized on by a friend of mine whenever he wrote his full address. He would say the address out loud slowly as he wrote it, and then say "I.A.M G.A.Y" in lieu of his correct post code. It was critical to replicate the exact upbeat rhythmic pattern and intonation modelled by such shows as "No 73" or "Swapshop".
On reflection, it was probably the earliest memory I have of my friend trying to candidly reveal his gayness to me while making me laugh at the same time. Nevertheless, I felt that what with him rushing home after school to watch the Golden Girls on Channel 4 and clutching a copy of the latest Jackie Collins novel, it made the whole thing comepletly unnecessary.
Stood for "If Destroyed Still True" or "I Demand Sex Tonight" depending on whether you were male or female and whether you wrote it or not. It followed every "Nina Ross 4 Matthew Barker" statement and each party argued tirlessly as to which one it was often until they broke up or the bell rang.
Of course this was back when the majority of us were scared girls would give us the mang (evil trolls that they were) and we were mostly worried that Nina would shoot a baby out of her belly button if Matthew weed up her bum. Actually, I'm still afraid of that now I think about it.
Of course this was back when the majority of us were scared girls would give us the mang (evil trolls that they were) and we were mostly worried that Nina would shoot a baby out of her belly button if Matthew weed up her bum. Actually, I'm still afraid of that now I think about it.
Ian McFarlane(pending)
Ian McFarlane was a lad who...
1. Had a middle name of Casey! Which was so embarasing he pretended hsi middle name was James.
2. He would go up to you and ask you do you like "Lord of the Rings, James Bond and Games Workshop".
3. Every reply from him was "mmmmmmmmmmmmmm"
4. We realised he was a tit so we made a song
"mmmmmmmmmmm smegle smegle lord of the rings, gandolf fucker small soldiers james bond he is a troll foll de wool gandalf fucker, Ian Casey Mcafarlane who is Scottish who looks Roy Cropper, Peter Kay and Steven Wall. How is your cafe roy? MMMMMMMMMMMMMM garlic bread"
5. His fat head gave him so many look a likes. Some of the insults were Fred Elliot and Roy Cropper.
6. Steven Wall was a lad who also had a fat head like Ian.
7. Every person he saw he said "Theeeeeeeeeeers (Enter Name Here)"
8. He does ask laod of questions of nonsence.
9. He wears loads of old Rangers tops and you ask him why he wears it he points out he is Scottish and doesn;t even sound Scottish and he supports fucking Arsenal the glory hunting twat. He doesn;t even bother to watch the games.
10. He has no friends. Just people he tags along to.
1. Had a middle name of Casey! Which was so embarasing he pretended hsi middle name was James.
2. He would go up to you and ask you do you like "Lord of the Rings, James Bond and Games Workshop".
3. Every reply from him was "mmmmmmmmmmmmmm"
4. We realised he was a tit so we made a song
"mmmmmmmmmmm smegle smegle lord of the rings, gandolf fucker small soldiers james bond he is a troll foll de wool gandalf fucker, Ian Casey Mcafarlane who is Scottish who looks Roy Cropper, Peter Kay and Steven Wall. How is your cafe roy? MMMMMMMMMMMMMM garlic bread"
5. His fat head gave him so many look a likes. Some of the insults were Fred Elliot and Roy Cropper.
6. Steven Wall was a lad who also had a fat head like Ian.
7. Every person he saw he said "Theeeeeeeeeeers (Enter Name Here)"
8. He does ask laod of questions of nonsence.
9. He wears loads of old Rangers tops and you ask him why he wears it he points out he is Scottish and doesn;t even sound Scottish and he supports fucking Arsenal the glory hunting twat. He doesn;t even bother to watch the games.
10. He has no friends. Just people he tags along to.
Ian Swann Done A Shit in his pants(pending)
One day, in the dining hall, it became apparent that Ian Swann had done a bumshit in his pants, the dirty little gyppo. Anyway, he was taken away by a dinnerlady, to get some spare pants from the spare pants box, and take his shitted ones home in a carrier bag, and Damien Morris decided to put his face close to Swanny's seat in order to see if it smelled of shit. Cue about 30 boys all ramming his face into the seat. Hard.
Another it-selecting rhyme:
'Ib dib dog shit,
Fucking bastard,
Dirty git
... (continue swearing) ...
You are not IT!'
After the third line, the lyrics were variable, and usually consisted of the picker reciting as many other swear words as they could think of until they ran out. The rhyme improved with the age of the rhymer, until eventually the selection process aspect of the rhyme was lost into a purposeless stream of filth.
'Ib dib dog shit,
Fucking bastard,
Dirty git
... (continue swearing) ...
You are not IT!'
After the third line, the lyrics were variable, and usually consisted of the picker reciting as many other swear words as they could think of until they ran out. The rhyme improved with the age of the rhymer, until eventually the selection process aspect of the rhyme was lost into a purposeless stream of filth.