Just one cornetto,
give it to me.
You musta be joking,
It cost feeeefty peeeee.
There was another verse, however. Can anyone help?

-Um, yeah. It went: "Theee choc and nut
it may beee niiiice
but maybe not
that bladdy high prii-ice!"
Hope that helps

Used in very early years in my particular primary school; when a person did something bad, this would be said to indicate to the person that they had done something wrong. This is always to get attention to the criminal, and is *always* followed with "I'm telling off you".

The number of 'o's and the length of the 'mmmm' varies, depending on how bad the situation is. Anything with more than 5 'o's and an 'mmmm' of over 4 seconds meant it's time to run as far away from the teacher as possible. 75% of times someone says this, however, is not serious - see "telling, with stories".

A phrase used when you weren't entirely convinced of the accuracy of someone's story. Could be used instead of chinny reckon, but had to pronounced in exactly the right way to have effect. The R would be elongated and upwardly inflected.

One September the pupils of St Mary's RC School in Poole returned from the summer break amid some excitement and trepidation at the new markings on the playground. Among the typical hopscotch grids was what appeared to be an oversized compass, with Magnetic North clearly marked on it.
We were left wondering what the fuck we were supposed to do with it. A few half hearted attempts to base games around it were made (Did you play Let's Stare North!, and West-Walking Hullaballoo? They were my favourites - Log), before we decided to ignore it, as it was most likely for Muslims to point at Mecca.

Our head of year was a tiny woman called Miss Bowe. She was about 4'10'' tall, so by the time we reached the 5th year, we all towered over her. Whenever she wanted to use an assembly to shout at us, we would know, because the hall would be empty of chairs, as only by making us sit on the floor, primary school style could she command any authority. In one such assembly, on the subject of the state of the toilets, she was quoting some of the more acceptable graffiti, in the full flow of her angry tirade, when her error caused her entire audience to dissolve into laughter. She never regained control of the assembly, and to this day in the town of Eastwood, the band Ocean Colour Scene is known as Ocean Colour Scheme.

Jonathan fell from the climbing rope in Primary School PE, and landed directly astride the balance beam. This had exploded one of his balls like a water balloon.
Attempts by him to disprove the rumour by stretching his scrotum for all to see, showing a clear 2-ball outline, led to accusations that he was pressing out one of the bumps with his finger.
But, eventually, we had to accept that he did have a second ball. A plastic second ball.
Whatever, it didn't affect his virility as he managed to get Angela Smithers up the duff before his fifteenth birthday.

A traditional and brilliantly simple game that was an easier version of "it" or "tag" for the slightly lazier/fatter kids. One person is "it" and has to pass "it" on to someone else but here's the beauty of it - you didn't need to run, you just had to go stand on a table and wait there untill your lunch bell rang, you fat git. Often ended in grazed knees and nasty falls.

A block of wood with a face carved in it that for some reason my class worshipped for a year and a half. We were eventually saved from cultism when the groundsman burnt him for fuel.

One fine summer day me and my friends were walking around the corner of our school building, when, all of a sudden, a gang of snails mugged us an ran off with our stamp collection. We tried to find them but found they had ran back to their town of Peinile.

Often devastating put-down not very cunningly disguised as a gesture of pity.
e.g.
"What are you getting your mum for Mother's Day?
Oh sorry, I forgot. She's dead isn't she?"

A handy P.S. to any partonising put-down is the word "Bless" accompanied by a smile and a cocking of the head

Our form tutor was a good bloke. Always willing to have a laugh and turn a blind
eye to our more raucous behaviour, to the point that he seated himself in the corner of the classroom, allowing us, the attention seeking idiots to have centre stage. One day, feeling particularly brazen, I marched into the classroom, promptly pulled down my trousers and stood, in my boxer shorts, infront of the class geek. I then proceeded to wildly illustrate, with the aid of an invisible partner, the comic shagging that she would surely never recieve. All to an improvised porno soundtrack and appropriate vocal effects. However fate being the cruel and fickle mistress that she is decided to turn her back on me that day. Instead of recieving the wild cries of delight from my adoring fans, I looked at a sea of stony and frightened faces. I turned slowly, with my trousers round my ankles, to face not the jokey and prank loving form tutor with whom I had shared many a jape, but instead the stern and fearsome face of the vice principal of the school. Who at the zero hour had been called to cover my form tutors abscence. The colour quickly drained from my face. I stood for a second, mid-comedy-thrust, clenching my arse in an attempt not to shit myself and make matters worse. In a cold sweat I quickly pulled up my trousers and walked, eyes down, to my seat, where I sat very very still and very very quietly for the rest of that period. Nothing was ever said but the VP looked at me as if to suggest that should I attempt to try anything as ridiculous as that again, he'd have me inhumanely destroyed. With a lesson as embarrassing as that, I'm suprised it wasnt written on the syllabus.

at my school if people did something bad everyone in the vicinity who had spotted them would shout "Oh-ah" about a million times until a teacher noticed. it was usually for stupid stuff, like pouring your juice down a drain or something.

A setup for a mischievous physics teacher's prank.

[Teacher contrives for the class to revise electrical circuit symbols]
Teach [draws a circle with a 'V' inside]: "What does this represent?"
Pupil A: "A voltmeter, sir."
Teach [draws a circle with an 'A' inside]: "That's right. Now what's this?"
Pupil B: "An ammeter."
Teach [draws a circle with an 'O' inside]: "Well done. How about this?"
Rather too keen pupil C [adopting the air of having cracked the tricky follow-on question]: "Is it an ohmmeter, sir?"
Teach: "No. It's a Mexican riding a bicycle."

A year later, Pupil C, while remaining frustratingly un-Mexican, was knocked off his bicycle by a passing car.

Publish the stories I submitted yonks ago. Tossers

Why don't you put on the stories I've submitted several months ago.
Wankers!

Nickname of Steve Sampson, a christian tee-totaller who would only drink orange juice.

I was the only one with all my stationery, so I was often subject to lending things to people. I'm only human, so the resentment at being considered the class resource for pencils and protractors slowly built up.

One day in maths, my friend leaned over and asked me for a pencil. I replied "Okay, but I sucked on it." This seemed fair - by all means use my equipment, but they shall be marked by spittle.

To make myself heard over the drone of the class, I stated this loudly and firmly; certainly, my voice was loud and firm enough to silence the rest of the class, who immediately set about imagining the scenarios that might culminate in such an outburst.

Can YOU script a scene which makes dramatic sense, and culminates in the phrase "OK, but I sucked on it"? Send them in!

One fat kid's persecution was average to low, until one day a weak-minded teacher tried to make us feel sympathy. In a catastrophically stupid attempt to get us to like the big lizard, we were told that the fat kid could not wear boy's trousers, but had to have old man's trousers cut off just below the knee. The result was, spectacularly enough, a barrage of abuse that resulted in a watershed moment of growing up, the first time I heard a contemporary say "cunt", as in "Ha ha, you wear old man's trousers you fat stinking cunt." Marvellous.

imaginative nickname for a boy who has lost a testicle in a tragic accident. This actually to a guy I went to school with, obviously hated by the gods. The story went that he had been spotting a friend on the weight machine when he inexplcably straddled the handlebar which supported the weight. The "friend" accidentally
released the bar,causing it to slam several hundred pounds of force into One-Nut's groin at high speed.

Incidentally, this same kid had bullied me mercilessly years earlier. As a sidenote, there's nothing as satisfying as the humiliation of one's enemies.

On top of old smokey,
all covered with sand,
I shot my poor teacher,
with a green rubber-band.

I did it with pleasure,
I did it with pride.
I couldn't have missed her,
she's forty-foot wide.

I went to her funeral,
I stood at her grave,
I didn't throw flowers,
I threw a grenade!

Although there wasn't a teacher in the cupboard, we would convince the child that there was before locking him in there.
That was the cue for the other pupil who was in the cupboard to start hurling ink and paper at him, and shout teacherly things like "You, BOY!" at him.
Surprising fun for those outside the cupboard, who got to hear the shouting and watch a cupboard rattle around for a bit.

A thick rimmed bespectacled boy whose excessivly large cranium bore the brunt of countless and merciless taunts of Tefal Head / Tefal cunt - as such an easy target , Oliver would be blamed for everything, from missing chalk to severed digits in woodwork - Upon being questioned by an irate teacher as to the identity of the guilty culprit, the whole class would erupt in unison " Dingly dunnit Sir " even years after he was removed from the school by his parents

An ollie, as everyone who's ever played Tony Hawks will know, is like when you jump, but with a skateboard on.
Aged thirteen, we would practice our ollies for hours on end. When any of us got so much as an inch off the ground, we could all get seriously amazed.
During one afternoon of such cripple-hopping, we heard the roll and clatter of a familiar crap half-ollie, followed by a loud and insincere exclamation of "whoops!".
Apparently, while we were looking the other way, Alan had accidentally ollied over his dad's car.
Now, the thing that made this especially amazing, was Alan's ongoing persistence that the trick was not in his mind. This went on for months, despite constant jeering and a failure to repeat the trick because when people were looking, it "put him off".
These lies climaxed with an audacious lie-reversal, where he shouted at everyone that he'd never said that he had accidentally ollied over his father's car, and that he hadn't maintained the opposite for the last four months at all.
Ask him today, and he still denies he ever said it, which totally proves my point.

Eh? Fucking EH?

He of the spectacular falls and spills, all without injury.

An old playground favourite:

Olly olly olly.
Tits in a trolley.
Balls in a biscuit tin.
Sitting on the grass with a spanner up your arse
Going "ding, ding, ding, ding".