Morvern went to Mr Taylor to tell him that she couldn't do swimming that day as her period had started. While in the middle of this interview, Jenny also appeared to beg off swimming for the same reason. He spent a few minutes doing a baffled double-take at the both of them, before spluttering "But you can't both have it on the same day!"
Mr "Sumo" Taylor is married, and has produced children.
Mr "Sumo" Taylor is married, and has produced children.
P.E. 'keeper(rejected)
Andrew, the very same lad who chopped off Mario's ear in another entry, thoughtlessly voluteered to play 'keeper for our team during a PE lesson, which, for no other reason than boredom on our part, was a game of football - the class's hockey players vs the class's footballers; a slightly unfair match-up, suggested by the PE teacher, our hockey coach.
Andrew was quite a good keeper, but kept getting stick from the other guys for not clearing the ball far enough and getting wave after wave of attack at our hopeless back line. In fact, if not for Andrew, we would have been smashed, since our forwards were also woeful, being used to a:) hitting a smaller ball, b:) with a stick and c:) not getting two-footed tackled all the time.
After yet another verbal barrage from our hopeless defence, Andrew said to me he should just let one in, to show them what a good job he was actually doing keeping them out, which is a great idea in a Dead Poets Society kind of way, but not for suburban government school hooligans. I agreed, since he was my best mate and solidarity was our watchword, that it would be a good idea, so he did. We lost it 2-1 in the end.
I'll admit to joining in the beating of him in the changing-room later on when he stupidly told them that if they were nicer to him next time, he wouldn't purposely let one go in.
Andrew was quite a good keeper, but kept getting stick from the other guys for not clearing the ball far enough and getting wave after wave of attack at our hopeless back line. In fact, if not for Andrew, we would have been smashed, since our forwards were also woeful, being used to a:) hitting a smaller ball, b:) with a stick and c:) not getting two-footed tackled all the time.
After yet another verbal barrage from our hopeless defence, Andrew said to me he should just let one in, to show them what a good job he was actually doing keeping them out, which is a great idea in a Dead Poets Society kind of way, but not for suburban government school hooligans. I agreed, since he was my best mate and solidarity was our watchword, that it would be a good idea, so he did. We lost it 2-1 in the end.
I'll admit to joining in the beating of him in the changing-room later on when he stupidly told them that if they were nicer to him next time, he wouldn't purposely let one go in.
If you poo yourself during PE, simply run to the toilet and clean yourself. Don't, as Martin Watts did, spend long, visible, seconds trying to somehow push the poo back into your anus, looking agonised, before explaining - out loud - that you have done a poo, and have been trying to push the poo somehow back into your anus.
The inclination not to attack an easy target, remember, does not occur in children.
The inclination not to attack an easy target, remember, does not occur in children.
Having managed to buy a copy of Viz from a newsagent who didn't realise it was rude, I took it to school to impress people.
It was promptly confiscated by a P.E. teacher who, at the end of the day, gave it back with a grin and an angerless "you little scamp" tousle of my hair.
Within a second of him turning around, the other P.E. teacher confiscated it and kept it for an entire week.
How come one P.E. teacher managed to struggle through it in the course of only a single day, whilst the other took a week to mouth-breath his way through it?
Top 5 Reasons it might take a PE teacher a week to read Viz:
It was promptly confiscated by a P.E. teacher who, at the end of the day, gave it back with a grin and an angerless "you little scamp" tousle of my hair.
Within a second of him turning around, the other P.E. teacher confiscated it and kept it for an entire week.
How come one P.E. teacher managed to struggle through it in the course of only a single day, whilst the other took a week to mouth-breath his way through it?
Top 5 Reasons it might take a PE teacher a week to read Viz:
- His fists are so clenched with perpetual rage that he has to turn the pages clumsily with his knuckles.
- Every time he gets a joke, he has to take it to his girlfriend and say "that naughty cos the man dun poo wen he sed he wuddunt".
- He spent three days staring at the Vibrating Bum-Faced Goats before deciding it didn't make him want to wank.
- In a moment of hungry confusion, he ate the Viz, and it took him a week to buy another because "doing things is like riddles".
- He
Run to the wall and back: I can't be arsed. Run to the wall and back.
Catch 22 : Are you a PLP? Say yes, and you're a public leaning post. Say no, and you're denying that you're a perfectly lovely person. Why you would want to do that is beyond me.
P.M.T.(pending)
The unfortunate initials bestowed upon my brother. After an evidently taxing day once his class discovered this hilarious fact, I asked my parents just "what the fuck they were thinking" and was given the response "well, we didn't realise." My initials, however, are DLT - giving rise, even at the age of almost 25, to all manner of "bet you've never heard this before" Hairy Cornflake jokes. My youngest brother's initials are HST, which I suppose is one letter off HRT. THEN I find out, had I been born a girl, my dad wanted to call me "Lydia", for Pete's sake - surely giving rise to endless "Lydia Dustbin" jokes.
I'm convinced my dad took baby-naming as an opportunity to have a laugh, but I haven't quite worked out how to approach the subject yet.
I'm convinced my dad took baby-naming as an opportunity to have a laugh, but I haven't quite worked out how to approach the subject yet.
Retort for a bully who is told to "pack it in" during his abuse. More phonetically correct would have been "Pakis don't come in tins", but no-one seemed to think of that.
Another version of the retort to 'pack it in' followed the usual line of 'Pakis don't come in tins', and went on to add 'they come in banana boats'. Any adults listening would have been so charmed by the innocent innacuracy of the comment, that the naive bigotry just seemed sweet.
Any chase is demeaned to futile absurdity if observers shout "wacca wacca wacca", a la Pacman. It certainly worked when our Physics teacher was chasing Filthy Scott (so called because he would put his finger up his arse and wipe it on your blazer) around the lab. In the end he gave up and just threw wooden sink covers at him.
paedophile(pending)
Song composed by Simon Stiggear. It goes a little something like this:
Paedo, paedo, paedophile
Paedophile, paedophile
Paedo, paedo, paedophile
Paedo, paedo, phile.
It's a lot catchier than it sounds. If you knew the tune you'd know why. To get a rough idea, just say the four lines to a rhythm.
Paedo, paedo, paedophile
Paedophile, paedophile
Paedo, paedo, paedophile
Paedo, paedo, phile.
It's a lot catchier than it sounds. If you knew the tune you'd know why. To get a rough idea, just say the four lines to a rhythm.
During the last storytime of the day, demonic headmistress Mrs. Windsor would pick her favourite children to stroke her legs through her nylons. This was an honour keenly fought over among the children, all under the age of six and unable to discern just how horrifically, grotesquely wrong this was.
Paedophile teachers, when they do happen, can be quite charming. Most of the kids thought Mr Holdrick was pretty cool, and a good teacher.
It was only when the newspaper reported that he had been caught with a computer full of child porn that we realised that we didn't like him at all.
It didn't take us much longer to remember that we never learned anything in his classes because he was constantly running at our bums with his hands out.
In fairness to ourselves, it's quite a weak justification of the k-fiddlez to say but he could put across difficult throries well.
It was only when the newspaper reported that he had been caught with a computer full of child porn that we realised that we didn't like him at all.
It didn't take us much longer to remember that we never learned anything in his classes because he was constantly running at our bums with his hands out.
In fairness to ourselves, it's quite a weak justification of the k-fiddlez to say but he could put across difficult throries well.
Not everyone who works with, or takes an interest in children is a paedophile.
The man from the Werther's Original advert is not a paedophile. Older male children's TV presenters were not paedophiles. PE Teachers who made you take showers were not necessarily paedophiles.
Labelling such people as paedophiles is not only lazy, obvious and weak, it also denigrates the comic potential of the real paedophiles, like Gary Glitter, and your dad.
The man from the Werther's Original advert is not a paedophile. Older male children's TV presenters were not paedophiles. PE Teachers who made you take showers were not necessarily paedophiles.
Labelling such people as paedophiles is not only lazy, obvious and weak, it also denigrates the comic potential of the real paedophiles, like Gary Glitter, and your dad.
Page 141(pending)
In order to keep ourselves entertained during Mrs. Robinson (aka dragon breath)'s french lesson, when the "avantgarde" text books were handed out we would immediately flick to page 141, which revealed a full page portrait of "Jerome", a young, cheesy and nonchalant character draped in the most disgusting crimson and yellow jumper you could imagine. The task was simple, deface his ugly mug in the most crude way possible, including large sized penises protruding from his forehead, cutting his eyes out, adding impossibly huge spliffs to his mouth or, in extreme cases covering his face in tippex or cutting his face out completely. There were around 25 of us in the french lesson, and a book for all. There were more at the back of the class stocked for other french classes. The objective was to deface/graffiti on Jerome in every avantgarde book we had. Natually, in a few weeks we had succeded...and never will I forget shouting to Dicko and a few others after the books had been handed out "Page 141!!!"
The forever-to-be-remembered page number in our Biology textbook featuring a photograph of a standing naked child with the world's most extraordinary bow legs. When viewed in the dark recesses of the school library, it never ceased to make a 12-year-old lurch, retch and eventually laugh milk out of their nose.
Seriously, you could fit a beach ball through there.
Seriously, you could fit a beach ball through there.
Not what you want to hear about your English teacher, when she's got a face like a fire-damaged lego brick and a body like The Raggydoll's Sadsack. You'll spend the rest of your English lessons trying desperately not to imagine her naked.
And constantly, constantly, failing.
And constantly, constantly, failing.
pain for love(pending)
once lived a girl name Antara. she was very beutifull.every boy wants to make her girlfriend. but she want some special.
once antara was going to fall down but a boy hold her in his arms ,suddenly a big piece of cloth fell over them . next day in tution a new boy came,name sooraj. when antara saw her she remained that it was the boy who saved her . sooraj was hadsome . antara was proud of herself as she beutifull . sooraj did not like antara nor antara liked her. they used to have fight everyday. antara stared fell for him . but she does not know it. at last antara came to know taht she love sooraj. one day she decided to tell sooraj that she loves her. the next day she brought a rose and toll sooraj that she love her. then after few day sooraj told that he loves her. they start meeting. they decided to tell
once antara was going to fall down but a boy hold her in his arms ,suddenly a big piece of cloth fell over them . next day in tution a new boy came,name sooraj. when antara saw her she remained that it was the boy who saved her . sooraj was hadsome . antara was proud of herself as she beutifull . sooraj did not like antara nor antara liked her. they used to have fight everyday. antara stared fell for him . but she does not know it. at last antara came to know taht she love sooraj. one day she decided to tell sooraj that she loves her. the next day she brought a rose and toll sooraj that she love her. then after few day sooraj told that he loves her. they start meeting. they decided to tell
A gang of five or six kids would surround you, and proceed to scientifically beat the crap out of you, scientifically concentrating on places that were liable to cause the most pain. Just when you approached the threshold of tolerable pain, your shoes were scientifically torn off and thrown away, and five or six vicious teenage bastards would scientifically pummel the soles of your feet, to scientifically test the theory that this cancelled out pain anywhere else in your body. It fucking didn't. Ever.
Pair of gays(pending)
One snowy day I was walking behind a pair of gays from my school. I didn't know them but the taller one was a bit pikey and he was holding hands with a shorter gay who had a grey dufflecoat on with the hood up. So it was my duty as an upright citizen to smack a snowball off the back of the hood, what a shot it was and what a shock I got when the "kid" turned round and shouted "you cheeky little bastard" it was actually the pikeys mom. She was only about 4'10" and she called me little!
The kitchen area of our school had a green lino floor, except for one bit where a 1' x 2' piece had been repaired with brown lino.
This was the Paki Patch. If you successfully negotiated the Eggy Bumps, you then had the Paki Patch to get past. If you stood on it, you would automatically be deemed to be in love with Shetal, who had the uneviable status of being the only child of ethnic origin in a school full of cunts. I can't remember whether she welcomed the daily stream of unwilling suitors, but looking back I strongly suspect that she didn't.
The Eggy Bumps? Did treading on these imply a romantic attraction to chicken foetuses? I think we should be told - Matt
This was the Paki Patch. If you successfully negotiated the Eggy Bumps, you then had the Paki Patch to get past. If you stood on it, you would automatically be deemed to be in love with Shetal, who had the uneviable status of being the only child of ethnic origin in a school full of cunts. I can't remember whether she welcomed the daily stream of unwilling suitors, but looking back I strongly suspect that she didn't.
The Eggy Bumps? Did treading on these imply a romantic attraction to chicken foetuses? I think we should be told - Matt
Generic name given to those crap, plastic unbranded trainers that were sported by remedials, dirty schemers, and one-parent children in the 1980s. They got their name from the price - about 20p - and the fact that they only seemed to be sold by Pakistani gentlemen in their emporia of miscellany. Also known as Borstal Break-outs.
Personal Arse Licker. Never say that you are someone's pal; "best pal" is a bit better, because it implies that there is some competition for the job, and at least that means you're a good arse licker.
Inform your target that new medical research has found a genetic link between the size of your hands, and the probability that you will develop cancer in later life. The details of the research are obviously very complicated, but it boils down to a simple rule of thumb; if your hand is bigger than your face, then you're very likely to develop cancer. The immediate instinct is for your victim to immediately check by placing their hand over their face, allowing you to slap their palm hard into their face. This is actually very painful, and runs the risk of hitting the secret Kung-Fu instant death spot, which shoots the nose backwards into the brain.
Offer to read someone's future from their palm. It all starts seductively promising, with things on the palm resembling aspirational object that the person will one day own.
"You're going to own a mansion shaped like a finger."
After two or three predictions, hawk up a huge greenie into their palm and inform that that it is their swimming pool. Luxurious.
Actually, this trick was seen on The Simpson, episode 9F06, New Kid on the Block, along with Wet Willies. Is it funny if it's been on The Simpsons? Probably not.
"You're going to own a mansion shaped like a finger."
After two or three predictions, hawk up a huge greenie into their palm and inform that that it is their swimming pool. Luxurious.
Actually, this trick was seen on The Simpson, episode 9F06, New Kid on the Block, along with Wet Willies. Is it funny if it's been on The Simpsons? Probably not.