| Report for Pogglesnatch | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 18 |
| Rejected stories | 17 |
| Deleted stories (hidden) | 10 |
| Summary | Could Try Harder |
Sorry to correct you, but it was 'wir haben hunger'. And the second verse actually says
Where is the cheese cheese cheese
is the cheese cheese cheese
is the cheese cheese cheese
and the sausage?
The the third verse was something like;
If we get to meal meal meal
we'll eat the flies flies flies
eat the flies flies flies
from the wall
FUNNY COMMENT ABOUT GERMANS?
Where is the cheese cheese cheese
is the cheese cheese cheese
is the cheese cheese cheese
and the sausage?
The the third verse was something like;
If we get to meal meal meal
we'll eat the flies flies flies
eat the flies flies flies
from the wall
FUNNY COMMENT ABOUT GERMANS?
The puncher could also immunise themselves from retaliation with "a slap on the back so you can't do it back". Or, depending on how brutal they were (I only ever saw this happen once) "A kick in the knacks so you can't do it back".
As a means of "getting the immaturity out of the way", on the first day of our sex education, all the boys were told to write every word they knew for 'vagina' on the black board. Out came bearded clam, hairy axe wound et al. Then all the girls were asked to write every word they knew for 'penis'. Unfortunately, they were all too shy.
So Mr. Scandrett, in his infinite wisdom, decided that the boys should just go ahead and write all the words they knew for 'penis'. Cue shrieks of embarrassment from the girls, culminating in one of the more sensitive ones suddenly running out of class, crying.
The name that set her off? - 'purple-headed custard chucker', which was then shouted at her at random moments throughout the rest of the year.
So Mr. Scandrett, in his infinite wisdom, decided that the boys should just go ahead and write all the words they knew for 'penis'. Cue shrieks of embarrassment from the girls, culminating in one of the more sensitive ones suddenly running out of class, crying.
The name that set her off? - 'purple-headed custard chucker', which was then shouted at her at random moments throughout the rest of the year.
Our victim was Mr. Kapper. He was on an exchange from England (I'm in Australia). He was here for the full year, and we did not learn a shred of maths the entire time. On his last day, after sneaking out of class and covering his car with toilet paper, we asked him if his class in England was as bad as we were.
Imagine a truly broken man who had lost all self esteem years ago saying in a 'my 12 year old daughter just beat the crap out of me' tone of voice:
"Actually, you guys don't throw things at me".
I genuinely felt bad about vandalising his stuff after that.
Imagine a truly broken man who had lost all self esteem years ago saying in a 'my 12 year old daughter just beat the crap out of me' tone of voice:
"Actually, you guys don't throw things at me".
I genuinely felt bad about vandalising his stuff after that.
Actually, I used to repair Hysteroflators for a living (used for endoscopic surgery). If the uterus is inflated at a rate faster than 0.2 litres per minute, you run the risk of bursting it. Killing a woman in this manner, whilst possible, would involve creating an airtight seal and blowing very hard.
Mr. Lester (or Boymo), was a dead ringer for the 'glass and a half' guy from those old cadbury adverts. We decided that the best way to ridicule him by yelling 'gary' in the campest voice possible whenever he walked past. He just went about his business and ignored us all. Until the incident.
One day at lunch we were all sitting on the patio, boymo walks past to cries of gary, my mate to the ground. He then proceeds to try and get a few kicks in while being restrained (he would have been over 70), all the while screaming out something about our generation being cursed to hell. We never saw him again, but afterwards we had the 2 of the heads of high school give us a stern lecture about all of boyma's accomplishments - apparently he was a world renowned physicist in his day. He'll always be gary to us.
One day at lunch we were all sitting on the patio, boymo walks past to cries of gary, my mate to the ground. He then proceeds to try and get a few kicks in while being restrained (he would have been over 70), all the while screaming out something about our generation being cursed to hell. We never saw him again, but afterwards we had the 2 of the heads of high school give us a stern lecture about all of boyma's accomplishments - apparently he was a world renowned physicist in his day. He'll always be gary to us.
This can be done more easily with 3 paperclips (on Australian sockets anyway, not too sure about the british ones) - bend one into a straight piece, and keep the other two in shape. push the two into the socket, switch it on, then drop the third over the top. Not much of a bang as a small fire.
This technique was mastered my Liam Monaco who literally managed to blow every socket in the school that wasn't behind a locked door.
This technique was mastered my Liam Monaco who literally managed to blow every socket in the school that wasn't behind a locked door.
A fantastic game played at Ashfield High School in New South Wales (Australia).
Get everyone's pencil sharpeners, and remove the blades. You may need a screwdriver.
Then, turn the ceiling fans up to full, and when the time seems right, yell "duck or get stabbed", and throw the blades into the fan.
Children and teacher alike would then dive under their desks to avoid receiving a chaotic facial slash.
This being Australia, the teacher probably didn't cry and leave the teaching profession forever. She probably said "heh, nice one, blue" before hopping onto a jetski and doing a double-dunny in Gedunga Bay, or something like that.
Get everyone's pencil sharpeners, and remove the blades. You may need a screwdriver.
Then, turn the ceiling fans up to full, and when the time seems right, yell "duck or get stabbed", and throw the blades into the fan.
Children and teacher alike would then dive under their desks to avoid receiving a chaotic facial slash.
This being Australia, the teacher probably didn't cry and leave the teaching profession forever. She probably said "heh, nice one, blue" before hopping onto a jetski and doing a double-dunny in Gedunga Bay, or something like that.
Something to say after the teacher has just told you to shh, Thus turning her attempt at discipline into some infantile, foul language that you can then claim offense to.
See also: Wolf
See also: Wolf
Be prepared for any occasion when a teacher is about to break into one of those "I'm aware that blah blah, but you can't just blah blah" lectures. The wind will be taken out of her sails if you shout "WOLF!" as soon as she says "I'm aware".
The class can then have a heated Q & A session with the teacher about what it's like to be a werewolf, and how she caught lycanthropy.
The class can then have a heated Q & A session with the teacher about what it's like to be a werewolf, and how she caught lycanthropy.
Lawnmower man: When the groundsman is off on a tea break, take his lawnmower. The person with the lawnmower is it, and everyone else has to get as close as possible whilst yelling "Fuck you, lawnmower man!" as loud as possible. This was also played while the groundsman was mowing the lawn, but he never gave chase. He'd just tell the heads of high what we were calling him.
Wild Bill: Whenever someone put an old plastic pot on their head, they became possessed by the spirit of Wild Bill and had to chase everyone with a stick. This fantastic game ended rather unfortunately when a long-abandoned office block was used as the grounds for a game of 'Wild Bill 2000' (it was 1994). About halfway through, we realised that we were also being chased by 'Wild Barry', who happened to be wearing a security guard costume. In our haste to leave the building, we lost the flower pot, and the spirit of Wild Bill remains trapped to this day (probably).
Wild Bill: Whenever someone put an old plastic pot on their head, they became possessed by the spirit of Wild Bill and had to chase everyone with a stick. This fantastic game ended rather unfortunately when a long-abandoned office block was used as the grounds for a game of 'Wild Bill 2000' (it was 1994). About halfway through, we realised that we were also being chased by 'Wild Barry', who happened to be wearing a security guard costume. In our haste to leave the building, we lost the flower pot, and the spirit of Wild Bill remains trapped to this day (probably).
Aged 11, Mr. Dobson decided that it was time the six boys in my class learned the facts of life. We were led into a separate room, whereupon Mr. Dobson turned a dark purple colour and announced "boys, over the next few years you'll experience a lot of changes."
We were then escorted back to class.
We were then escorted back to class.
I believe that all of you need to brush up on your lingo. A good source of information would be the Atlas of Practical Proctology.
Correct terms involve: abnormal seepage, foreign excreta, unobstructed flow or cadbury marble.
Here's two I made up: 'Spink' (a shortening of pink spunk in the same way 'Spam' is a shortening of spiced ham); and, if there's a brown tinge and you're feeling continental, 'ejaculaffe au lait'. - Mansh
Correct terms involve: abnormal seepage, foreign excreta, unobstructed flow or cadbury marble.
Here's two I made up: 'Spink' (a shortening of pink spunk in the same way 'Spam' is a shortening of spiced ham); and, if there's a brown tinge and you're feeling continental, 'ejaculaffe au lait'. - Mansh
I actually saw a bogwashing happen once, to a young lad named Ben Tovey. Have you changed your name? Are you running from something? Are you trying to make the idea of bogwashing seem so whimsical and made-up that no one will ever accuse you of having been bogwashed? Huh, Ben? Well?
This deserves a reply. Come on, Alan. Are you really Ben, as Tom alleges? Did you get bogwashed, dammit? And if anyone else wants to ease the pain of those bogwashing memories by sharing them with the rest of the class, let us know forthwith. - Matt.
This deserves a reply. Come on, Alan. Are you really Ben, as Tom alleges? Did you get bogwashed, dammit? And if anyone else wants to ease the pain of those bogwashing memories by sharing them with the rest of the class, let us know forthwith. - Matt.
The secret codename that David Watson came up with for the Colt 45 he carried at school, in order to shoot Simon De Little. Any requests to see his gun would result in an insufferable rolling of the eyes, followed by "I can't just wave it around, dickhead". Of course, this was in the age when kids didn't actually shoot each other, so no one thought anything of it - except to start calling him David Twatson.
One of David Watson's most memorable lies - that on the weekends he used to go hunting with his dad, who let him use the pump-action bazooka on one occasion.
What rot. We all knew his father was dead.
What rot. We all knew his father was dead.
"You pogglesnatch!" was the anguished wail of Bill Murchison whenever he was wronged.
Other scathing put-downs that he came out with were 'grankboggle', 'bogglewonk' and his finest hour - 'you saxophonist'.
(A brief googling shows that this website is the only one in the world to contain the words grankboggle or bogglewonk. What a coup! - Log)
Other scathing put-downs that he came out with were 'grankboggle', 'bogglewonk' and his finest hour - 'you saxophonist'.
(A brief googling shows that this website is the only one in the world to contain the words grankboggle or bogglewonk. What a coup! - Log)
The length of Simon Baptist's penis, which he told everyone at every given opportunity. Not in a "My dick's bigger than yours" kind of way, but in a "wow, i'm really happy with the way this has turned out" kind of way.
It's a fantastic time to be alive when someone gets the piss taken for having a bigger dick than yourself.
It's a fantastic time to be alive when someone gets the piss taken for having a bigger dick than yourself.
Another classic from the mouth of David Watson - apparently his grandfather had created a new serum which, when injected into the neck, allowed you to turn your head more than 180 degrees. Unfortunately, a teacher came into the classroom as we were testing if there was any serum in David's neck, thus forcing us to put up with this kind of shit for another 7 years.
Made famous at the Friends, Fahan and Dominic Multischool Social in 1991 when about 8 of the cool kids decided to backwash every cup of cordial on the trestle table, one after the other (ie all of them backwashing the same cup), and then stand there laughing at other people who drank it.
Made famous at the Friends, Fahan and Dominic Multischool Social in 1991 when about 8 of the cool kids decided to backwash every cup of cordial on the trestle table, one after the other (ie all of them backwashing the same cup), and then stand there laughing at other people who drank it.
In at least a couple of the schools I went to in my earlier years, there was a certain etiquette about giving the middle finger. Instead of just whipping it out, you needed to add some flair.
Examples:
Transformers - Point a two finger pistol at them and yell "transformers, more than meets the eye". Retract you index finger, then your thumb, and turn your hand 90 degrees, so that you are giving them the finger. Make machine-type noises while doing this.
Inflatable fist - Stand side on to your opponent. Raise a fist with your thumb sticking out. Pretend to blow up your fist through your thumb, so that with each progressive blow your middle finger raises a little more.
Wind up hand/Jack in the box - Raise a fist to your for, with the back of your hand facing them. Pretending that said fist has a wind up crank attached to it, wind it and gradually raise your middle finger. For the Jack in the box, make some noises to the tune of 'pop goes the weasle' and shoot your middle finger up at the appropriate moment.
Examples:
Transformers - Point a two finger pistol at them and yell "transformers, more than meets the eye". Retract you index finger, then your thumb, and turn your hand 90 degrees, so that you are giving them the finger. Make machine-type noises while doing this.
Inflatable fist - Stand side on to your opponent. Raise a fist with your thumb sticking out. Pretend to blow up your fist through your thumb, so that with each progressive blow your middle finger raises a little more.
Wind up hand/Jack in the box - Raise a fist to your for, with the back of your hand facing them. Pretending that said fist has a wind up crank attached to it, wind it and gradually raise your middle finger. For the Jack in the box, make some noises to the tune of 'pop goes the weasle' and shoot your middle finger up at the appropriate moment.
Mr Boyd was banned from driving a car, after one too many tipsy-tours. This confined him to a scooter, and freed up the whole day for guilt-free drinking from a bottle he kept on his desk. This came to an end on the day that Nick Reid had a drink from his bottle.
Mr Boyd whipped around from the blackboard and yelled "Excuse me, I've already had my breakfast!"
We all sat there in silence, wondering what he was talking about. He then explained with the following: "If you're going to drink in my class, drink from a glass".
So, Nick asked if he could go and get a glass. "NO!" shouted Mr Boyd.
Cue five minutes of stunned silence. Mr Boyd just stood there, obviously livid by this point, and asked "What are you all looking at me for?"
"Because you're the teacher?" came the mousy reply from Joe Boyer. Pat then stormed out, allowing us a replacement teacher for the rest of the year.
Mr Boyd whipped around from the blackboard and yelled "Excuse me, I've already had my breakfast!"
We all sat there in silence, wondering what he was talking about. He then explained with the following: "If you're going to drink in my class, drink from a glass".
So, Nick asked if he could go and get a glass. "NO!" shouted Mr Boyd.
Cue five minutes of stunned silence. Mr Boyd just stood there, obviously livid by this point, and asked "What are you all looking at me for?"
"Because you're the teacher?" came the mousy reply from Joe Boyer. Pat then stormed out, allowing us a replacement teacher for the rest of the year.
My school had the alternative "Because you put ants down teacher's pants and made him do a disco dance".
Does anyone get this? Passing to Conor.
I can see what the author is trying to do here, but have no idea what phrase came out of the dyslexic's mouth sounding like 'Techno Tit Land', which is kinda the joke of the whole thing. Over to Phil
I think they're discussing the conquest of the Aztecs.
A prime example of why the teacher should never ask the class dyslexic (Nick Ledwell) to read a passage from the history book.
Quite unfortunate really as he was doing really well until that point. I'm not sure Nick's confidence in reading recovered after that - He got expelled shortly afterwards for beating up a teacher. It wasn't the same one but he did have a problem with sudden, misdirected rage.
A more complete version of the second verse runs as follows:
Next thing you know old Jed's in bed,
Beating his meat until his dick turns red,
The door swung open, and Granny came through,
He said "Come along granny, and have a wank too".
Next thing you know old Jed's in bed,
Beating his meat until his dick turns red,
The door swung open, and Granny came through,
He said "Come along granny, and have a wank too".
Tone blocks:
Not only do they hurt when you hit someone in the head with one, but they also make a range of hilarious sounds, fit for a funniest home video show.
The resulting crowd of people pointing and laughing will either make the person see the funny side and laugh along, or more commonly goad them into a violent rage - but you'll have a tone block to defend yourself.
Not only do they hurt when you hit someone in the head with one, but they also make a range of hilarious sounds, fit for a funniest home video show.
The resulting crowd of people pointing and laughing will either make the person see the funny side and laugh along, or more commonly goad them into a violent rage - but you'll have a tone block to defend yourself.
Meadowbank station (in Sydney) used to change their signs on quite a regular basis. They seem to have given up these days.
"Please vacate this seat for elderly or disabled passengers" can also be made into "Please eat elderly or disabled passengers", with hilarious consequences.
"Please vacate this seat for elderly or disabled passengers" can also be made into "Please eat elderly or disabled passengers", with hilarious consequences.
Girls should also be mindful of the colour of the pencil they would like to borrow from a boy. If a girl wants a pink or purple pencil, she wants to see your cock, and if she wants a brown pencil, she wants you to bum her.
No-one should ever try to borrow a yellow pencil.
No-one should ever try to borrow a yellow pencil.
There was one woman on an island (press 1).
There were 5000 men (+5000).
She shagged each of them seven times (x7).
Turn the calculator upside down to find out what she is. (Hint: the slack-fannied slag.)
There were 5000 men (+5000).
She shagged each of them seven times (x7).
Turn the calculator upside down to find out what she is. (Hint: the slack-fannied slag.)
Our school used to sing "fight for the queen's cunt, fight for the queen's cunt, fight for the queen's countryyyyyyyy", which I like to think added a sense of imperial fervour to the situation.
1. Grab a roll of toilet paper
2. Put one end in the toilet and throw the roll to your friend in the next cubicle. Get your friend to tear it off and put his end in his toilet.
3. Flush both toilets simultaneously.
The winner is the toilet that pulls the bigger half of the paper down its greedy sluice.
A knock-out tournament can then be organised to discover the "ultimate toilet". Nick Ledwell was incredibly proud that he used the ultimate toilet until it was pointed out that this was the toilet that loved guzzling shit the most, making it the ultimate gay toilet. And so the ultimate toilet became the least-used toilet.
2. Put one end in the toilet and throw the roll to your friend in the next cubicle. Get your friend to tear it off and put his end in his toilet.
3. Flush both toilets simultaneously.
The winner is the toilet that pulls the bigger half of the paper down its greedy sluice.
A knock-out tournament can then be organised to discover the "ultimate toilet". Nick Ledwell was incredibly proud that he used the ultimate toilet until it was pointed out that this was the toilet that loved guzzling shit the most, making it the ultimate gay toilet. And so the ultimate toilet became the least-used toilet.
John Hoggart used to march around the football field saying "NOTHING STANDS IN MY WAY" in a robot voice.
Using all the lessons you've learned from this website about human behaviour, can you guess what happened?
That's right! He was abducted, tortured to insanity, given bionic implants and made to fight polar bears. After ten years of battling the Arctic beasts, his implants were obsolete, and he was dumped on a glacier and left to sail away. This icy island sailed into mediterranean waters, and John Hoggart's still-sentient corpse was sailed around on an inflatable banana to ward off pirates. He was buried vertically, and two snakes now use his skull as a home. They are very much in love, and every morning they pop their head out of an eye socket each, and do a kiss.
Oh, you know I'm doing a fib, don't you? I'll come clean; people just stood in his way.
Using all the lessons you've learned from this website about human behaviour, can you guess what happened?
That's right! He was abducted, tortured to insanity, given bionic implants and made to fight polar bears. After ten years of battling the Arctic beasts, his implants were obsolete, and he was dumped on a glacier and left to sail away. This icy island sailed into mediterranean waters, and John Hoggart's still-sentient corpse was sailed around on an inflatable banana to ward off pirates. He was buried vertically, and two snakes now use his skull as a home. They are very much in love, and every morning they pop their head out of an eye socket each, and do a kiss.
Oh, you know I'm doing a fib, don't you? I'll come clean; people just stood in his way.
1. Pin your victim to the ground
2. Chinese (pull their eyes up)
3. Japanese (pull their eyes down)
4. Push the button (punch their nose)
5. Out come these! (Pull their shirt out to represent the immediate growth of boobies)
You have just successfully outed your victim as a Chinese/Japanese ladyman.
2. Chinese (pull their eyes up)
3. Japanese (pull their eyes down)
4. Push the button (punch their nose)
5. Out come these! (Pull their shirt out to represent the immediate growth of boobies)
You have just successfully outed your victim as a Chinese/Japanese ladyman.
To make the ultimate static attack, you need to apply a straightened out paperclip onto your victim's teeth after getting your charge up.
You're all wrong, I'm afraid. The most eye-watering static attack is executed by lightly touching the tip of your victim's nose. Go on, try it. - Ponky
You're all wrong, I'm afraid. The most eye-watering static attack is executed by lightly touching the tip of your victim's nose. Go on, try it. - Ponky