| Report for Nick Dimmock | |
|---|---|
| Approved stories | 10 |
| Summary | Perfectly Exquisite |
Obviously, if a teacher leaves a blackboard unattended with chalk nearby, they must want you to use them. Writing "Gary is Gay" was par for the course, but the truly creative would look out for unattended boards with teachers' content on, and make subtle alterations. This had the bonus of not always requiring chalk, as a well-executed rubbing out of a letter or part of a letter could be just as effective, eg removing the 'o' from 'count', or, even better, removing the 'c' and rubbing out the rightmost quarter of the 'o'. Statistical charts are ideal for adding mountaineers or tightrope walkers. Our pinnacle was infiltrating our form room and spending lunch drawing a huge chalk Jesus, copied from John Bolton's 'Prester John' artwork in Warrior. It was the best drwaing ever drawn in that school, and the teacher let it stay up for a week (there were two boards), although he never mentioned it once.
Opposite of "make friends". A remarkably civil ceremony that all friendly interaction shall cease, performed with a sharp, single, handshake. You may, at any time, "make friends" again, for instance, if you want to borrow a rubber, with this rhyme; "Make friends, make friends, never never break friends. If you do, you'll catch the 'flu, and that will be the end of you." Warning; this is childish.
Asian children will be greeted with this phrase, because all their fathers are bus conductors and this is what they say as the bus pulls away. Tomfoolery on the bus will be met with a harsh "bud bud ding ding, get off my bus please". Jim Davidson will confirm these facts.
The arrival in the 80s of the bigassed doll "My Buddy", with a catchy ad jingle ("My Buddy and Meeeeee!"), was surely bad news for any Asian classmates, who, according to TV comedians, said "bud bud" all the time, although, come to think of it, we never heard them say this at all. I wonder...
Offer to read your victim's fortune. Children cannot resist this. Take their hand, palm upwards, and begin to run the palm with your own palm. Ask a series of questions, as though you are gathering the necessary information for your predictions.
The accepted sequence is
* Do you live in this town?
* Do you live in a house?
* Does it have a kitchen?
* Does it have some stairs?
* Does it have a bathroom?
* Does it have a toilet?
* Do you use toilet paper?
The victim will answer 'yes' to all these questions. Ask them slowly to create an involving and eerie atmosphere. After the last question, simply say "I don't, I use my hands." Another success!
Note: If you are tricked into the victim's role, and you are aware of the procedure, you may effect a daring reversal by answering the last question with "No, I use my hands." Blockered!
The accepted sequence is
* Do you live in this town?
* Do you live in a house?
* Does it have a kitchen?
* Does it have some stairs?
* Does it have a bathroom?
* Does it have a toilet?
* Do you use toilet paper?
The victim will answer 'yes' to all these questions. Ask them slowly to create an involving and eerie atmosphere. After the last question, simply say "I don't, I use my hands." Another success!
Note: If you are tricked into the victim's role, and you are aware of the procedure, you may effect a daring reversal by answering the last question with "No, I use my hands." Blockered!
The telling of a short story in which the final words will have an amusing double meaning. Original example: A man saw a boy sitting on a wall licking his maths kit. He asked his mum what he was doing and she said "Oh, that's just my son - Helix Protractors!". Most convoluted example involved a boy named Spag, who wouldn't play a game correctly. His friend petitioned him to "be a sport, Spag." At this point the storyteller will point to someone's sports bag, which has the words "SPORTS BAG" on it.
Terrifying local who travelled various upper schools in the area, teaching what was labelled for convenience "Judo", but actually amounted to "Urban Survival Studies". He was an ex-army lunatic who would claim at least once per session that he could show us how to kill someone with one hand, but, obviously, wouldn't. This was a wise decision, as we would have put his technique into practice straight away.nnStan's finest moments included:nn1) Showing us how to break out of a neck hold, and then informing us he was going to wrap a fire hose around our necks and throttle us until we broke out or passed out. He did, too - luckily, he was actually quite a good teacher and we all made it. We had red necks, though.nn2) Lining us all against a wall, and demonstrating how easy it was to hurt someone without much effort by smacking his open palm into our noses, one by one. I was near the end, and got to watch a whole load of kids clutching their faces and moaning as he drew nearer.nn3) Grabbing a window-opening pole and running at a group of us, screaming and swinging it in a wide arc. most of us dodged, a couple got hit on the shins pretty hard. We learned.nn4) In a shock move, demonstrating effective teaching techniques by asking us whether stalactites went up or down. We didn't know, so he said he'd tell us, and we'd never forget. The lesson: "If you've got a beautiful woman in front of you and she's wearing tights, what are you going to do? YOu're going to pull them down. So remember, stalacTITES come down." We never forgot, and you won't, either.nn5) Useful demonstration of what to do "if a coon comes at you with a broken bottle".nnAs I said, he got work in a whole bunch of Northampton schools, unless he used to just walk in with his back of judo outfits and shanghai his students. We didn't really care, it was better than rugby and there was always the outside chance he might relent and tell the secret of one-handed killing. A couple of years after school I saw Stan in the town carnival, dressed as a clown and riding a penny farthing. Big mover on the charity scene, apparently. So.
You may say bitch and sod, because a "sod" is a clump of grass, and a "bitch" is a female dog. Bastard, however, is the acid test.
You may be approached by a peer who informs you they're telling on you. If this news is imparted with a musical lilt, the game is afoot. You are obliged to ask why. The other party will respond with a reason, which must rhyme. Reasons I can recall include: * Because you jumped on a lorry and you didn't say sorry * Because you walked in the garden and you didn't say 'pardon' * Because you went to the toilet, and you pulled the chain, and out came a great big chuffer train Particularly ingenious rhymes will spread throughout the playground rapidly, but no-one will ever believe that you made it up.
You have been asked to form a line, in twos. The teacher informs you that it is necessary to be quiet, so you must whisper. Upon this decree, everyone must (audibly) whisper the words "whisper whisper whisper whisper" to one another. The teacher will acknowledge this with a grateful "all right, thank you".