I tried to rig the results of my Cascaid form because I knew that I wanted to be a teacher (no, really). I ticked all the boxes saying that I really liked to help people, that I was interested in demonstrating new things, that I liked to work in a team and that I WANTED TO BE A TEACHER. Cascaid informed me that I would be most suited to being a Forestry Worker.
My careers teacher then tried to convince me that the computer knew my own mind better than I did.
I never became a teacher but I never became a Forestry worker either. Probably to spite the careers officer and that stupid program.

every now and then my dad would get creative with his sandwiches, leaving me with the childhood trauma of starvation vs cheddar and honey sandwiches.

i presume he had very cold breath.

we knew it as flaming fist, you'd spray your hand, light and punch your mates. But then, we were usually drunk.

I can confirm the pastime was very much a part of the chicanery of our school years! Not once, since leaving full time education, have I or any of my co-workers in the sometimes devil-may-care world of independent auditing ever immobilised a colleague and urinated over them, let alone attempted pre-mortem taxidermy. Although there was one quite amusing incident involving office manager, Mr Gardiner's desk drawer and four litres of pre-mixed wallpaper paste in what we saw as a tangible and positive response to his call for more 'Spunk in industry'. But we'll save that for 'The Law of the Office' when you admirable chaps get around to it.

"scheisse haare"
is pretty much all i remember from five years of german. It was my name, and it means shit hair. They were right.

a local legend, described as an inexplicably terrifying kid with a pale, sunken face, who habitually appeared seemingly out of nowhere and just stared at you. He never spoke and nobody seemed to know who he was. Guys swore that they narrowly escaped being murdered by this character well into High School.

imaginative nickname for a boy who has lost a testicle in a tragic accident. This actually to a guy I went to school with, obviously hated by the gods. The story went that he had been spotting a friend on the weight machine when he inexplcably straddled the handlebar which supported the weight. The "friend" accidentally
released the bar,causing it to slam several hundred pounds of force into One-Nut's groin at high speed.

Incidentally, this same kid had bullied me mercilessly years earlier. As a sidenote, there's nothing as satisfying as the humiliation of one's enemies.

There was a scene very similar to the one just described on the Lighthouse based Australian kids TV show 'Round The Twist' once. I think something strange had happened, which meant some kid could urinate higher than the average child.

When I was 15, I chose this as one of my optional courses. The teacher basically gave us cameras or video cameras and let us wander the halls, the school grounds, and the nearby park for an hour and a half. As long as we came back with a picture of something, we got marks. Most of the time was spent listening to a guy named Phil obsess about a girl named Erica and how he wanted to engage in all kinds of perversions with her in a giant vat of jello.

Generally produced in Mr Maltman's maths lessons by considerate people with watches. You know the drill: you get the watch at a nice angle to the window so you reflect the sunlight to make a nice jagged dot of light on the wall. You can chase other people's light spots, or, alternatively, project them into Mr Maltman's face, at which point he will say something like "I am aware." Whatever the fuck that means.

this was toms song "there's only one tommy phillips, there's only one tommy phillips, with a packet of sweets and a cheeky smile, tom phillips is a paedophile" cause he was ya know.

Tobias is a funny lad with many amusing tales to tell, well actually he isn't but i have lots of amusing tales to tell about him...

Tobias is prone to bed wetting and making outragious claims such as "I've got the Batmobile in my loft" and other classics such as "I'm a registered Ford Technician" despite being only 10 at the time. Another favourite was his claims of working on the 999 emergency switch board or the ever popular "I've got four cans of Harp Lager in my desk you know".

These tall tales coupled with his inability to keep his underpants dry and free of poo made him an obvious target for a bit of cruel taunting / beatings. His obsession with being in the police froce would also get him into trouble on the count that he used to run around the playground making siren noises and 'arresting' people he thought were causing trouble, even trying this on the hard kids.
He even tried forming his own school police squad called 4D (Ford split up For-D, he had a rather unhealthy fondness for Ford...weird).
Tobias' troubles at school would vary from getting his sandshoes flushed down the toilet to having a bottle of purple paint squirted in his face so his face resembled a huge birthmark. The sight of Tobias bursting into tears because someone said he got drunk on Wine Gums was priceless. On non-uniform day he would come into school wearing a Ford mechanic's boiler suit, apparantley his dad was the manager of a Ford branch, although when we suggested his dad just cleaned the toilets he burst into tears again. He would also go into regular 'fits' or as we called them 'feegees' when frustrated or angry. This would then lead to the chant of 'Toby's taking a feegee' which enraged him further.

Ironic that the only kid in our year to have aspirations to be a policeman was the only one to end up in the klink. He was caught by the police driving around Newcastle at aged 15 in his parents Ford Cortina with a fake blue 'police siren' strobelight flashing away on the dashboard.

He's now a good friend, but still a f***wit!

Kev Coutts

Song composed by Simon Stiggear. It goes a little something like this:

Paedo, paedo, paedophile
Paedophile, paedophile
Paedo, paedo, paedophile
Paedo, paedo, phile.

It's a lot catchier than it sounds. If you knew the tune you'd know why. To get a rough idea, just say the four lines to a rhythm.

I'm glad that actual schoolchildren are joining us...

we get this dumb maths teacher called mr mcdonagh (mr mcdoughnut, madonna). when he walks past, we say really loudly, 'i hate maths dont you? (hannah says yes) especially this teacher mr mcdoughnut, he reeks doesnt he?' he always gives us this really queer look. not just that but he pervs on you, he fancies hannah, he tries to look up her skirt or down her shirt he is a total perv.

mr savage???i.e irish? who when he tryed telling us to work we all said in our best irish drawl im in the i.r.a now listen here you little fookers do some work or il bomb ya.he didnt last that long