Another way of calling your friends gay. Originates from our headmaster - Mr Archer - who was apparently caught bumming off another man in some public toilets.
If you ask someone whether they are a benny tied to a tree, they will generally reply "no". This will give you the opportunity to run away, screaming at the top of your voice, "BENNY ON THE LOOSE!"
The highest possible accolade a teacher can bestow upon one of their pupils. The only possible answer is of course "yes", which may result in the reward of expulsion from the class. Sometimes, braver teachers will offer an invitation to 'entertain the class then'. Of course if you are truly successful in entertaining the class this to will result in being expelled from the classroom.
Quote by some wacky-toothed Gail Tilsley look-a-like in "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe". This was asked of Julia Hwyll Jones everyday on account of her crowded gums, and was funny up to and including the very moment she had all her teeth knocked back into her head in a car crash. Considering her accident, we repeated the same phrase, but with a lot more lisping and spitting.
The similarity between "homo sapien" and "homosexual" can, in limited circumstances, be used to gain sensational confessions from classmates. Brings a whole new meaning to class outings! [wipes tear from eye]
Every Poppy Day the local branch of apprentice cannon-fodder, the army cadets, would be on parade in our school Assembly. They had to stand facing the school in their hot and sweaty army uniforms for half an hour while we got lectured on remembrance. We whiled away the time placing bets on which cadet would faint first; at least one was guaranteed to collapse each year. Extra points were gained if he bent his trumpet or shat himself.
Being named Arran Bees would usually be considered sufficient grounds for a thorough and protracted bullying, yet the impossibly-named Mr Bees also had the gall to possess a pair of knobbly knees - which rhymes.
If you stand on a nick, you will marry a brick, and a beetle will come to your wedding.
Associative device used primarily to link an unsuccessful caricature to the name of the intended lampoonee, in situations where the talents of the caricaturist are insufficient to render the drawing recognisable on its own merits. If that sounded like a crock of shit, try the masterclass.
The caption of a grisly doodle or the cry accompanying a re-enactment of an excruciatingly painful demise. Represents "Arrrgh Pain!" interrupted by death.
Said to put the willies up someone who has broken the rules. The "arrrrrrrr" is followed by the name, form, and any other identifying details of the transgressor, followed by a brief description of the naughtiness and moral judgment from the speaker. Can be within earshot of a teacher. For instance, "arrrrrrrr, Jonathan Lee Blyth, 2C1, of 108 Weaverthorpe Road, you're sniffing glue, that's so naughty". I did get told off for sniffing glue, with two friends. We were sniffing a fucking Pritt Stick. However, between the girl who saw us and said "arrrrrrrr", the form teacher, and the headmaster, that crucial detail was forgotten. The headmaster showed us pictures of a dead boy.
This version of arrrrrrrr is followed up with an identically-drawled "bar-barrrrrr". We did this because we thought a "bar-barrrrrr" was a poo. Curiously, so did all the teachers, who wasted no time in royally bollocking us if they heard someone saying it. This of course led to a cyclic form where someone would do something bad, someone else would say "arrrrrrrr bar-barrrrrr" to them, then everyone else would turn to that person and say "arrrrrrrr bar-barrrrrr", and then to each other, and so on and so forth. Mass hysteria, particularly in the heavily-regimented and dinner-lady-policed lunch queues, would often result.
Yes, yes, thankyou. We hope you're feeling VERY ASHAMED now.

(Sent in by RL M, judged by Susan.)
The time-honoured 'giving somebody a sweet that has previously been inserted in your arse' trick had become so tired, that no one would ever accept a sweet from our gang. Then one day, we came up with this variation.
The boiled sweet was passed around a group of about nine of us, all of whom rubbed it around inside our cracks before it was carefully rewrapped. The next person that walked into the room was subsequently invited to participate in a beautifully choreographed game of 'scrambles'.
Havoc followed and the sweet changed hands many times before the victim finally emerged triumphant, and with a bummy, shit-flavoured sweet in his mouth. He genuinely believed that we wanted that sweet - I still remember the look of pride on his face at having won.
From the phrase 'about as much use as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking party' which still makes me laugh.
The concept of an arse-kicking party thus established, the cry of "arse kicking party" was made as a announcement of - and justification for - an assault on Matthew Moore.
Any sentence beginning with "I said" can be adjusted, with only minor tinkering, to sound like "Arsehead". This is, of course, funny. Arsehead!
However, if your friend doesn't quite hear you saying "four quid", a golden window opens, and you can say "arsehead fuckwit". This is such a rare occurence, that you should celebrate by running around your victim six times, pulling an imaginary trucker's chain, and going "HOOOONK".
Sung in the dinner hall between courses:

Arsehole, arsehole, a soldier I shall be,
To piss, to piss, two pistols at my knees,
Fuck you, fuck you, for curiosity,
Fight for my cunt, fight for my cunt, fight for my counnnnn-tryyyyyy.


Caused many a detention. I wonder why?

An alternative ending was "Fight for the Queen's cunt, fight for the Queen's cunt, fight for the Queen's cunt-ree". Some people think that this scans better and is funnier because it's got the Queen's cunt in it. It's all a matter of perspective, really.
One sunny afternoon, Sean Gardner was experimenting with a magnifying glass. He began to focus the sun's rays on the sleeve of our French teacher's jacket and within seconds, the garment began to smoulder. Noticing that his sleeve was somewhat on fire, he cried out, "What on earth do you think you're doing, boy?"
Sean had to think of an explanation, and he had to think fast. "I'm setting fire to your jacket, sir". Amazingly, he escaped punishment.
"I might get stoned, just for the inspiration" was what I heard one girl say to another before a practical art exam, obviously thinking that some cannabis would be just the thing to induce an 'art trance' and allow her to produce a work of complex, challenging psychedelia.

Well, the world was obviously not ready for her, as she ended up getting kicked out for attempting to spit paint at the canvas. Whether she was high or not remains a mystery.
Arty Farty had a party,
all the farts were there.
Tutti Fruity done a beauty,
and they all went out for air.
Not well received by infant school teachers who like to think that young children are unaware of the air that often slides noisily and surprisingly out of their arses. Even if it does fit the brief of "tell the class a poem you have recently learned".
During our production of 'African Jigsaw', it was not uncommon for assemblies to be gently interrupted by scarily-realistic papier-mache zebra heads peering inquisitively around the curtain.
I swear someone said this to me as a comeback to a "your momma" joke but to this day I have no clue what he meant...
Arises from the magnificent birthday poem written to celebrate Jamie Hutchison's birthday. It went as follows: "Today's the day Your dad is gay But don't be sad Lick some girl's pad." This gave rise to the saying "At least my dad's not gay", which could win you an argument when reason - as it so often does - fails. Alarming fact: it was Jamie's 16th birthday.
Irrelevant but effective comment that can alter the swing of an argument radically. Diddy : You're not very good at the High Jump. Log : Well, at least my mum's not in a wheelchair. Diddy's mum was in a wheelchair, by the way. Low.
What Lisa shouldn't have said to the girl in our class who's younger sister had a deformed jaw, unless she genuinely wanted to make her cry all afternoon and be sent home.