Mrs Soloman, a particularly fierce piano playing teacher from the 1980's, now dead. Soloman's pet hate was pupils having their back to her, so the whole class were seated facing towards her in a 'Praise Mecca' style in twos. If you turned her back on her whilst she was talking to you, woe betide. We adapted this to a playground game, which made good for random beatings. If a kid such as Daniel Holmer Tolliday showed you his back, you were well within your right to belt him in the back whilst taking on Soloman's manly growl and saying ' you darest showeth me your hind?'Why we adopted a Medieval vocabulary is another question.

Kristen Cottier arrived in 1981 from the Isle of Man - a fact he was insanely proud of. He later explained that his surname was Manx for "son of the otter hunter". A silly mistake.

Knew too much about rainbow kissing to be right.

A more subtle way of saying "subtle attack". You have to wrap yourself in a duvet, for bonus subtlety, before launching yourself into the enemy's dorm and spraying them with deodorant.

An unfortunate pupil at our school had mild Spina Bifida which caused him to walk with a sideways hip-swinging shuffle.
We thought he was rather cool because he looked as though he was grooving along to a funky tune that only he could hear; he may have just been listening to our tuneless rendition of "Soul Man" and finger-snapping as he jive-walked past our classroom window.

The damp build up of sweat that forms in the arse crack of Farah wearing post pubic boys sitting on plastic chairs in hot summer classrooms ,"Soup, sir?" "Certainly, a possible broth if this heat carries on."

A game which requires steps, a football, and several young children so eager to play with the big boys that they are willing to approach slowly down some steps towards men kicking footballs at them. Boys (never girls) started at the top step, chanting "we are space-invaders". Once hit by the footballs, you moved onto the next step down - an improvisation from the strict format of the arcade game, allowing for more bruises. Now you must run faster, and are more likely to be hit by a ball this is travelling at a higher speed. Once you reach the ground floor, by which point you should be screaming "we are space invaders", you were relieved, and could move to the top step again. The lure of watching your friends getting hit with footballs was always too much to resist. No-one ever really though to simply stand aside and watch the game. Apart from the bemused teachers.

A highly mutated, third generation insult for someone with acne. It started as the basic "Crater Face", evolved into "Neil Armstrong" and finally into "Space Suit". A tribute to the creativity of kids who fail on traditional academic measures.

What we kids in the late 70's called spastics, and by association anyone who was a low achiever no matter what the reason.
Im now a responsible and mature father of two teenage girls who would not dream of mocking the mentally subnormal just for kicks, so did NOT curl up in hysterics when their school's drive towards 'spelling, punctuation and grammar' was launched under the banner of 'S.P.A.G'.
And I definitely did not laugh to the point of vomiting when my daughter brought her english exercise book home with the word 'SPAG' written in red biro by the teacher over each and every spaggish grammar or spelling mistake.

The act of slapping an unsuspecting individual as hard as possible across their forehead and shouting 'Spam'.
This can be countered by holding a guarding hand across the forehead, if suspicious of an approaching attack. This led to the development of the 'Neckback' which followed a similar path as the 'Spam' but involved slapping the back of the neck. This is also known as MAPS - spam backwards, you see.
When a double guard was developed, involving a person holding both their forehead and the back of their neck, a third route of attack, the 'Lipblap', was unveiled. This involved slapping down at a persons mouth (when they were talking for best effect) causing them to sound stupid and make a wet blubber noise. The beauty of this third attack meant that even when guarding, there was always one route of attack open - although the attacker now had to be quick to find the ungauarded area, and (especially with the 'Lipblap') the confusion tended to result in a simple face punch.

This is the name given to a silly sound effect that I made up one morning on the bus to school, and me and my friend Angelo Martinez would recite it over and over again during a dull moment. There is a background to this sound effect, and it goes as follows - There is a man with a whip chasing a another man around a ring. Next to the ring is a guitarist, who plays that "dun de le dun de de de dun" sterotypical spanish tune constantly. The two men are quite close to each other as they run, and at the end of each playing of the song the man with the whip cracks his whip on the man in front's arse, causing him to yelp with pain. So it would go - "Dun de lun dun de de de dun PSCHH ha HOO!" You really have to hear it to understand it. When we got tired of doing it, we would finish by slightly altering the last "ha hoo" so that the "hoo" would be long and drawn out and falling in pitch, as if the man who was being chased had fallen down a chasm or fallen off a cliff or something.

Our primary school had a pair of Emergency Trousers, which were given to any unfortunate kid that was found to be accidentally carrying a chocolate passenger.
The reasoning behind issuing this garment was presumably to spare the soiled kid the embarrassment of going back to class wearing niffy damp trousers.
However, the Emergency Trousers must have been lying about since the 1970s, which meant you had to toddle back to class looking like Rupert the fucking Bear. And as such, it was obvious to everyone that you'd suffered an unwelcome "brown visitor", and you were not spared the ridicule of your peer group in the slightest.

Not how you pronounce "spasmodic", Ian Lucas.

A cross between spasmojesticles and Joey Deacon. Not an insult, like most Joey Deacon variants, but a fine warcry and an excuse for legs to flail in the wind.

Taking the everyday "spazmo" as its base, the "mohican" aspect arises simply because it’s one of the few funny words that begin with “mo”. Fleacon combines the grotbags element of fleas with the heavyweight of spazmos, Joey Deacon himself.
In retrospect, quite a likeable insult.

The fusion of the words spangle, smorgasbord, jesting, and icicles.

Daniel Parry - Spastic Pastic - made the mistake of announcing that he was very ill and that we shouldn't make him laugh or else he'd cough up blood. I made him laugh, and much to my delight, he wasn't joking. A week or so later he left, never to be seen again. To this day I don't know if I inadvertently killed him.

My friend Phil's parents invited a load of members of the local Spastics society around for Christmas day. Phil denied this for years, until on a boating trip to Norfolk he was made to walk the plank off the side of the barge with a sign reading "I had spastics round for Christmas" hanging around his neck.

The lane you live on if you are a spastic, or scoper. With your tongue between your teeth and lip, say "dur, by dabe's ... and I live on Spaff Lane". No one we knew lived on Spath Lane, but the suggestion that you might was devastating.

No description required - it's just a cool word.

Is to spazmo as cuboid is to cube. That is to say, some of the sides are of different lengths, but... every face is a rectangle... only with spazmos.

Similarly, a great word, and very similar to spasmojesticles. A superb slant on spazmo and testicles, with a bonus "j", which is the funniest letter.

From the too good to be true range...
For the matinee performance of one my school's plays, the special education students were brought into the auditorium in their wheelchairs and parked in the front row. To prevent the students in the motorized chairs from going anywhere, the teacher turned off the power on their chairs.
Being the light-board operator I had seen the production several times and was paying more attention to the audience than the show. About halfway through the performance, one of the handicapped children caught my attention; he had pushed himself out of his chair. I watched him for about twenty minutes as he pushed himself further and further to the right, until he finally reached his goal.
A boy in a motorized wheelchair, who had fallen asleep on his joystick.
Motorized wheelchairs are capable of decent speeds, it seems. So when (after twenty minutes of sterling work, mind you) the crawling young man flipped the power switch on his neighbour's chair, the hapless sleeper was rocketed forward full throttle, slamming the chair into the low stage.
The now very much awake student flew - in that slow motion way that disabled people flying out of their wheelchairs have - onto the stage. The actors stopped, the audience was aghast, and the only sound louder than the wailing cries of the student on the stage, was the hysterical laughter of the young man on the floor where once a wheelchair was parked.

Go up to an S.U. kid, face full of innocence and concern, and say "Jonfun, what are you still doing here?" On sighting the blank(er) expression, say "Didn't you hear the fire bell? We've all got to go home!". A few more "Go on!"'s should be enough to get him thru the gate. The terrible thing? They never even noticed he'd gone.

Ben Evetts suffered from a very bad speech impediment that prevented him from being able to pronounce his ‘t’s. Being slightly backward, his mother made, what she considered, the wise decision of teaching him to recite his telephone number in the event that he ever got lost.
There were only two problems with this:
- Firstly, it became a panic reflex, which he blurted out at the slightest provocation.
- Secondly, his home number was "East Tisted 282".
The end result was that he would be chased around the playground every break, screaming, “Eesk Kiskig Coo Ay Coo! Eesk Kiskig Coo Ay Coo!”
This only carried on for a few weeks, however, before his mum withdrew him from the school and they moved away.