The beatings delivered to a person who has just farted. The only way to stop the slogs (short of waiting for your beaters to become bored) is to recite the alphabet, forwards then backwards, then naming three teachers. Shouting "no slogs" immediately after farting offered some defence, but not if you were unpopular.

Any teacher trying to disrupt the slow clapping of an unpopular pupil's award ceremony by clapping faster than everyone else is doomed only to add a jazzy off-beat to the taunt, which will be enjoyed by all.

Gobbing on the back of one's hand and flicking it onto to the back of a teacher.

A friend of mine would become so apoplectic with rage that he suffered from a kind of expletive blindness and could manage to splutter out only the most feeble insults. His all-time classic was "You're nothing but a sly old fox", closely followed by "You're just an old bagpuss".

The child holding the ball is the queer. It is the job of all the other children to smear him. To wit, hard-tackle him as violently as possible.
The phrase smear the queer has no connotations with smearing poo around his anus. Using your penis.

"Smell my cheese", the bully would invite. Cheese famously smelling delicious, you would eagerly bend over to the waiting fist, anxious to see if there is a tiny cube of fragrant cheese concealed within. As you get closer, you become suspicious. There's no cheese here... and then, the bully would punch you in the nose. A pleasing variant of this is when the bully adds "Smell my cheese, would you?" and walks off huffily, as though you've offended him mightily. You are the victim of another imaginary foodstuff. See also "You just drank my wee".

Usually followed by a five second fist-fight.

-Log...
-What?
-...Smells.

An affectionate name for Donna Kelly - whose mother was often speculated to be a welfare slut who craved slimy man-fat. It was all she knew.

The remarkably immature outburst of our pissy History teacher when anyone mentioned television. There we would be, sagely discussing the journalistic merits of the Equinox programme, and he would pop up and shrill "smelly telly!" in our faces.

Not a game devised by Smith, but one that involved his bag. Essentially the same as Piggy in the Middle, but with the additional gameplay element of throwing the bag to nobody in particular and watching it smack against hard concrete.

The game was deprecated after a strawberry yogurt burst messily inside a compartment of the bag. Nonchalant as ever, Smith started using a different compartment for his lunch and left the yogurt to fester until he got a new bag months later.

The vigilance of local shopkeepers denied us access to real cigarettes, so a competition developed to see who could smoke the most unpleasant and noxious substance found in the school classrooms.

We tried many items such as rolled up newspaper, animal bedding, plants, etc. But first prize went to the boy who attempted to smoke a significant length of bunsen burner tube. He lit one end, and then inhaled the fumes from the other.

He was, of course, copiously sick, leaving the classroom like a scene from The Exorcist. Magic.

Also known as the Dirty Sanchez, this trick explains the recoil reflex of any adult when you try to put your finger underneath their nose. It involves sticking your finger up your arse, asking your victim to sniff your finger, waiting until they tell you it smells of shit, then wiping it across their upper lip. How far you stick your finger up your arse is entirely your own business.

This act was not one I took part in, although I was the victim of on many occasions;
The object of Sneaky Bollock is to bare one's teste through the zip at the front of your trousers. Then, sitting in a suitable gaping position, you would call people over to "check your work" or something. They would then be horrified at the small hairy lump protruding from the loins.
For extra points, you may consider the following:
-Get a teacher with a Sneaky Bollock;
-Go the whole hog and flop your entire meatsack out;
-Draw a smiley face, or write a message to the victim on your scrotum;
-Walk around the classroom with yourself on show;
-See how long you can stand in a conversation with someone without them noticing.
In the last days of the school year, Sneaky Bollock was rife in our ranks, and the words "Hey, can you just check this for me?" filled our hearts with unmitigated fear.

At school in the 60s, it was deeply uncool if you hadn't snogged anyone. Snogging people kept your lips moist and delicious, so if you developed chapped lips, it meant you'd never snogged anyone, and were also a virgin.
If you developed a cold, you would be a snotty, bunged-up virgin who'd never been snogged, until you got better. Then you would have snogged and had sex again, until the next chapped lip, when you would, once again, become a virgin.

To 'snorkel' is to walk as if wearing deep-sea-diving flippers and waving your arms up and down. This had to be done just out of sight of a teacher while the rest of the class tried not to laugh. If someone laughed and the teacher didn't catch the snorkeler then they became 'the snorkeling snorkel-king' which was a position held in high regard.nnThe origins of this are so cruel that I can't believe I used to snorkel. Amanda has severe learning difficulties and had lost her ability to show emotions (such as laugh or cry) as a result of a serious car accident. The accident was explained to a class of twelve-year-olds as follows:nn"Amanda came out of the school gates last night and saw her mother on the other side of the road. Unfortunately she didn't see the car coming as she was wearing a Snorkel"nnTo the teacher a 'Snorkel' was a navy blue jacket with orange lining (made by Lord Anthony) with a fake-fur hood that when zipped up gave you tunnel vision. This obviously explained how the accident happened. However, thirty twelve year olds all imagined Amanda running across the road wearing a 'snorkel', face mask and flippers. The outburst of laughter landed all of us in detention for a full term and was instantly recognised as THE cruelest subject to joke about.

Q: (Pointing)Whats that?
A: What?
Q: Snot put your bogey on top.
I fell for this many times, but I never felt too bothered. I still don't understand what was happening.

Popular yet confusing insult at our West Midlands primary school. Was it based on a huge misunderstanding about what "blow job" meant? Was it some kind of drug reference? Or just an accusation that your dad liked humping machinery? I'm still baffled.

[log]Here, let me help - it's a quote from the movie Short Circuit. Here's the clip, which also features the excellent line "this little fart of a robot is giving me the red-ass". By the way, if any of your friends said "don't get your mum wet after midnight," that wasn't a reference to two of the three rules about keeping a Mogwai. They said that because your mum is a massive slag.[/log]

A name for those whose foreskins are too tight to achieve a painless erection. To loosen the foreskin, doctors advise masturbation with soap and water. To be called soapy, therefore, you have told people that you have a tight foreskin, that you have been to the doctors with your tight foreskin, and that the doctor has prescribed you a course of soapy wanks. If you get ridiculed, you can hardly be surprised.

Many years ago at school, I went out with a girl called Kerry. I had boasted for many weeks before hand to my friends (mainly a guy called simon), that the weekend my parents were away would be the week I would "do it" to her.nnThe weekend and came and went, without me "doing it" to her. Come the monday Simon asked me if I "did it".nn(At this point it is worth pointing out that Simon was sex obsessed, fat, had a huge collection of porno mags and so much body hair, at the age of 14, that I as an adult 15 years later would consider it to be an abnormal amount.)nn"No" I Said. We we all 14 year olds - no one would have believed me if i had.nnSimon narrowed his eyes, ready to accuse me of lying to him. I had been promising him for weeks that I would "do it". He also seemed upset, perhaps because he was such an unnatractive fat mutant the closest thing he would ever come to sex was being told about it. nn"In fact I did something better than sex" I triumphantly proclaimed.nnThe whole classroom (did I mention I was in a classrom?) fell silent, and listened in awe - what could be better than sex!?!)nn"I had a Soapy Tit Wank." nnI demonstrated this hitherto unknown advanced sexual act, by squatting down on the floor, miming (accompanied all the while by a nervous verbal description) the act of squirting washing up liquid onto Kerry's breasts, placing my dick between them, squeezing them together and thrusting vigorously. The stunned silence that followed, I believed for several seconds, was because of my demonstration of mature, sosphisticated love making. nnUnfortunately, it was because I was at the front of the classroom, facing the door, and the teacher had just entered the room.nnYou'd expect that my life would have been made a living hell until the end of time for such a display. But no, the children at my school were far wiser than you'd think - the ever present memory of performing such a display, and the searing embaressment of being caught "doing it" by a teacher, was a far greater punishment than any number of sadistically-sophisticated school kids could ever think of. It remained with me till I left sixth form college at the age of 18.

This was a game played in the changing rooms, after the class had spent an hour and a half running around in freezing mud. Proceedings would commence by flinging a wet muddy sock into the air. If the sock landed on someone, there would follow a cry of, "Uuurgh! You got sock, mi lad!", and the game would continue.
There were only two possible end scenarios to this game. Either somebody would get beaten up, or a fight would break out. In either instance, acts of violence will be largely ignored by the games teacher, in a "let them sort it out amongst themselves" kind of way, faintly reminiscent of the interracial basketball match scene in the film Scum.

A simple ruse. Suggest a competition to see who can hit the other person the softest. Allow the victim to go first. After he has lightly tapped you on the shoulder, you let him have it with a perfect dead-arm, before informing him that he has won.
Warning. This trick is EMINENTLY REVERSIBLE. It is probably wise to ask if your friend has ever played "softest punch" before. Remember - they get the first punch.

A group of boys stand in a circle around a biscuit, wanking. The last one to spunk on it has to eat it. An urban myth?

Glasweigan name for wet toilet roll, thrown onto the roof or wall to lend it a stipply 3D effect. Once dried, new layers can me applied. Soggy boggies are also effective as a non-lethal short-range weapon.

A medical complaint where the nose becomes soggy and spreads sideways across the face. Used to insult anyone with larger than average nostrils.
The inventor had meant the insult to be a clever reference to the computer game company "Psygnosis". The fact that no-one realised this meant the insult caught on, and he wasn't delivered a beating for being a "spod".