Each year in my school had 4 teams for games like rugby: A, B, C and D in descending order of competence. Because my year had slightly more pupils than normal, a fifth team was created, imaginatively called E. I had the good fortune to be a member of this team, which we proudly renamed the E Team Dropouts. We were comprised of the fattest, laziest and most asthmatic kids in the year, and spent most of the time sitting around on the grass watching the other teams exhaust themselves.

Ever Lasting Protection, against the lurgy, cooties, fleas, etcetera. Administered with an invisible can of flea spray over the affected area of the body. Must be accompanied by a hissing sound - otherwise your pressurised can obviously isn't working, and no protection will be afforded. Can also be used on chairs and desks which are suspected of having been sat at by anyone incontinent, smelly or simply unpopular.

Advice given to pupils complaining about sun in their eyes, by English teacher Mr Roddy Thompson. Half-plausible until you realise that 1) eagles don't stare at the sun and 2) you'd go blind.

Insult garnered from a particularly severe haircut on males where a nearsighted barber has trimmed around the ears perhaps a little too drastically and has left a visible line of pale flesh around the ear/head interface.

The percentage off increased proportionally with the size of the gap between ear and hairline with claims of 50%, 90% and even a particularly ambitious cry of "Ear clearance, FREE!" by a random year 9 who didn't note that the guy was just bald...

Richard 'Grizzly' Adams, IT teacher to the masses once turned up after half term with an amazing 2" clearance.

I had completely forgotten about this until I saw the conductor on the train from Derby to Nottingham a month or so back who had a rather tasty 2cm clearance.

I was the proud possesor of the first pair of boots which didn't lace up around the knee caps. Not Puma or Adidas but "Timpson Continetal Juniors". I held so much respect but could play fuck all!

Earthquake was a great game. During a quiet patch in the lesson someone would shout out 'earthquake'! Now the thing to do during an earthquake is to hide yourself and everything under the desk in order to stay safe. Rattling the desks above you whilst shouting for help was a nice touch.
Flood was much the same but the other way round in that in order to avoid and hopefully survive the imminent natural disaster everyone had to jump on top of their desks with their chairs and bags, to stop them from getting wet. Pretty funny at the time I thought.

I'm so disappointed that this didn't contain red hot lezzing, I'm handing it back to you, with a slight ache in my loins

knowing how well you handle girly-focused action I think you're the right person to bring out the mirth in this one

One day I sat down in the canteen with some new found friends (first week in junior high school)and the only availabel chair was next to this ugly looking girl called Julie. So I started to eat my grub when I noticed my friends making funny faces and sounds as though they were about to die or something, and looking at me and julie. So I turn to look at Julie and almost vomited. She had loads of earwax pouring from her ear! I will never be able to eat peas (which was in my mouth at the time) without remembering the scene and wanting to be sick!

[i]adj.[/i] Simple; Piss; Piece of cake. Often followed by “lemon squeezy”, or the alternative version “Japanesey”, to be combined with obligatory “Japanese eyes” gesture.

A phrase reserved for popular kids; short for excellent. They possibly didn't realise what pretentious upper-class pricks this one word made them sound like.

Eclipse was a brand around in the early-to-mid 90s. I owned 2 eclipse jackets, 1 with just the logo on, and another with a poorly drawn 'dude' on the back called 'Spliffy' who was smoking a joint. Having lived a sheltered life, I was lead to believe he was toking on a rather large cigorette. Eclipse was quite big for a while, then suddenly it was shit, and everyone got new jackets.

Oft used phrase in Longman's Audio-Visual French course, and the only words of French that 50% of our class learned thanks to Mrs Talbot's habit of wearing tight white tops.

keeping edgy was the art of being on the lookout for a returning teacher while another pupil went about some form of deviant act.

This was the rather arbitrary name given to new boy Edward Coyde, in year 5, for no reason other than the quickfire cruelty of Mark Birch. The name never caught on, and boy was reduced to tears, but as a happy upshot Mark and Edward quickly became friends. I read in the paper recently that Birch had died in a car crash, whilst being driven by... Edward Coyde, who survived.

Version of telling, or arrrrrrrr. The main group of people would shout "ee-a, ee-a" for around three minutes, circling the offender, and one person would go for the teacher. Presumably we were a fleet of police cars, which is something of a disproportionate civil response to someone doing a smelly trump.

Quite simply the rudest phrase that can be uttered by a six year old Scottish child.

Apparently a toley is a willy, and hen's keech is chicken poo. No further translation is provided.

Owwwhhhrrrrr? if you're telling on someone for anally raping you (or you're from cornwall) then you might make a noise like that i suppose, but the fact is, in the north east we say eeeeeeeeeee.

A north eastern variation of arrrrrrrrrrrrr and ummmmmmmmmmm.

One of the many synonyms for 'twat'. After a while, the regular insult exchange evolved into:
Kid A: You're an eef!
Kid B: Eef what?
Kids A+B (singing): Eef I was a rich man...
They would then continue to sing any of the rest of the words if they could a) remember them, and b} be bothered.

The variant 'eenie meenie minee mo, catch a nigger by the toe', taught to me by the school's only black kid, should not be used in front of parents. Or in Clark's, no matter how hard it is to decide which shoes you want.

The full version that I remember was:

Eenie meenie minee mo
Catch a nigger by the toe
If he squeals, let him go
Eenie meenie minee mo

Some people used to add onto this:
Flowers in the garden,
Fishes in the sea,
If you want to pick one
Please pick me

The ruthless teasing of short-fused ginger kid David Tyers was a highly rewarding pastime due to his tendency to fly into apoplectic rages and lose the ability to think clearly. His insulting yet mystifying outbursts reaching their high water mark with the frothy-mouthed ejaculation, "You egg dribble!" Damned by his own mouth, this was adopted as the weapon of choice for inflicting further suffering on poor Tyers.

a truly horrendous obese dinner lady who used to stalk the school at lunchtimes making sure there were no pupils indoors when all were meant to be outside. she did however have the thinnest legs in the world, this coupled with her rotund upper body made her look like a fried egg on it's side, on stilts.

obviously made up, the film came out in the *summer* of 1981.

A friend and I became obsessed with all things "Raiders of the Lost Ark" after seeing the film in the cinema.

Easter was approaching and there was a competition at cub scouts to paint eggs.

Influenced by the best movie ever we covered these eggs with the cool symbol that was in India Jones, swastikas. When we presented our creations to the cub scout leader we were refused entry into the competition and had our creations confiscated. We were so upset by the desision that we let the air out of his tyres while the egg judging was taking place.

Egg, sausage, cheese: Music notation used by primary school music teachers, simplified so that a child can understand and relate to it. The syllables of each word help the child to understand the value of each note.

"Egg" is equal to a crotchet.
The syllables "Saus" and "age" are both equal to quavers.
"Cheese" is equal to a minim, vocalised as "cheeeese".

The children with raw and hitherto undiscovered musical talent would be rounded up for extra cirricular music lessons, in which far more difficult theory was introduced, such as the concept of triplets, which are rhytmically similar to words like "chocolate", "banana" and "celery".

Nope, me neither.

A 'wedding' arranged between a shy boy and girl's friends, or as a windup. The couble would meet somwhere while there 'friends' stood round and shouted "Wedding!!!" and "Kiss/hug!!!".
Deeply sad.