Beard

Ponky says...Stop the fucking press. Now. LOTP has entered the next 22nd Century.


Matt says...SIGN THIS GIRL UP NOW SHE IS BRILLIANT


Mansh says...Fantastic! I FINALLY have a visual way to demonstrate doubt!Thanks, Hannah!


Jamie says... I want to marry her (i want to 'marry' all the ladies)



The practise of stroking your chin to express disbelief. Usually in response to a statement of achievement or ownership.

For example, child one: 'I can get 6 borbons in my mouth' child two: 'Beard' (stroke chin). Sometimes becomes 'chinny chin chin'.

Vehement 'bearding' includes the frantic miming of a massive curly beard thet stretches around your head and back again.

Evolution of bearding includes reference to all body hair- for some reason mainly eyebrows.

wanking, alleged ill effects of
Twele year old C.C. managed to do it 111 , yes a HUNDRED AND ELEVEN times during one day - including lessons and meetings , in fron of witnesses !!! Ended having to goto the school nurse the next day , coz he had a blister on it ! Most I ever managed was 18 times aged 10 !

Pair of gays
One snowy day I was walking behind a pair of gays from my school. I didn't know them but the taller one was a bit pikey and he was holding hands with a shorter gay who had a grey dufflecoat on with the hood up. So it was my duty as an upright citizen to smack a snowball off the back of the hood, what a shot it was and what a shock I got when the "kid" turned round and shouted "you cheeky little bastard" it was actually the pikeys mom. She was only about 4'10" and she called me little!

Marathons.

Conor says...Is this the 'Cookie' who emailed us and asked why his/her entries weren't going up? He asked WHY his entries weren't going up?



They are called Marathons, not Snickers.
And if you disagree you are gay and like watching "Buffy".

leccy gibbo

Cockfingers says...Genius! Give this to me!



i swear i work with this guy at an cinema in east anglia. I wish i went to school with me

Test Tube Trevor
During the damp spring of 1990 my mate Barry reliably informed me the reason Trev, a strange anemic specimen of a child, looked so ill was because he had been conceived and had been born in a test tube at Romford hospital, he had been a medical experiment that went wrong, honest. No matter how much Trev denied originating in a tube, the rumour spread. It culminated in the 'test tube trevor' song, now sadly clouded by the mists of time. I can only remember 'You can knock him down with a feather, coz he's test tube Trevor'. Trev wasn't chuffed about this song and grassed us up to the head of our year who called me, Baz, Pete, and Mark in to her study with a whimpering Trev in the corner looking very sheepish. While she looked out of the window and told us how awful it was to sing songs about Trev and his obvious fictional origins. Pete secretly started sniffing a bottle of poppers. I vaguly remember we bizarrly had to sing the song to her. A week later we poured a bottle of aftershave up Trev's arse.

Stiffie in the shower
After PE one week the Vicars son had a stiffie in the shower.

The following week while doing PE, someone (who shall remain nameless) wiped their arse with his inside-out sock, then returned it to his shoe.

He spent the rest of the day stinking of shit the poor sole (sic)

Magnesium
FINGERS!Among the more mental things this kid called Kia did at our school was to once steal a long strip of magnesium ribbon from the chemistry labs then later waiting to go home to lob it onto the train tracks so that it linked the two live live rails.

There followed a blinding white light and a mini mushroom cloud of smoke, which within five seconds everyone had decided was a terrorist bomb (in Sandwich for fuck's sake) until I, who had been playing too much metal gear solid or something calmly told everyone it was probably just one of them stun grenades

matee/ matey sacrificial acts

Cockfingers says...Fucking what? Numpty.



at primary school me and the class would play a game at break called matee (or matey, as it became later known) it involved the person being "it" would run around the playground chasing the people who werent "it" and trying to grab them for 3 seconds. it was a lot of fun but eventually many people began to play and some of them could not take the punishment of being grabbed physically and it did result in , at worst, blood and ,in one case a badly sprained leg, but after time, many variations came to be such as one named sacrifice! where one non-"it" person would grab another non-"it" person and drag them helplessly towards the enraged "it" person..........oh, those were the days..........thanks for reading

gibbo

Cockfingers says...I think I hade just cum.



i hade a friend called gibbo and he fell over playing football. we all laughed at him but he had popped his knee out of its socket. when he straightened his knee it popped back in again and we were all like "ew thats disgusting". i personally thought he just had fat knees or something

amsterdam bag
Prominently displayed on a maths teachers desk was a big plastic bag with 'AMSTERDAM' written across it. Of course we all knew it was where he went to hire rent boys and he stored various dildos and gay porns in it. When someone shit in his desk drawer he retired.

gibbo
i hade a friend called gibbo and he fell over playing football. we all laughed at him but he had popped his knee out of its socket. when he straightened his knee it popped back in again and we were all like "ew thats disgusting". i personally thought he just had fat knees or something

slides

Cockfingers says...Muppet.



slides are slides, and slides are big slides, and slides are small slides, so slides are slides,so slides slide down slides, and fun slides are fun slides, and i slide dow sli

Stink Bombs

Cockfingers says...Oh dear



When i was a youngster we had medals for great achivements, usually during lunch. The best one for me was when i threw a stink bomb into a form just before there registration. so they ended up haveing to stay outside for 15 minutes in the pouring rain... so much fun!!!

Chubby bunny

Cockfingers says...Lord saints preserve us



All it takes is a bag of marshmallows pubes adn someone with a big mouth and small brains and one fraise "chubby bunny" u can figure out the rest.

attenborough

Cockfingers says...Christmas has come early this year.



we used to torture this kid who had a huge head by chasing him for miles while making hand crancked film camera gestures. Sad really but he ahad a really massive fuckin head

Kwan, anagrams of
My wife's name is Constance Kwan. She's half Chinese you see. We were at school together. Although far too pretty, clever and posh for me, I fancied her no end. Now when one fancies a girl, one behaves as horridly churlish and stupidly rude towards her as is possible. I duly did adhere to this custom and, just as everybody else, called her Connie (which sounded pleasingly similar to "cunty") Wank.

This got enormously on her tits, which was just the place where I wanted to be. When, at sixteen, we started going out together, I was very much less amused by people making this weak and juvenile joke. This got my in a lot of fights at school. Connie Wank broke up with me and we didn't meet again till 12 years later, after uni.

She still gets it, even now at 36, Conny Wank, and by people who are supposed to have grown up. Especially at office parties or dinners from her work. As in: Hey, Wanky! Who's that ugly brute over there? (said by office funnyman Miles from her work)
Which was funny. Though not as funny as me pouring an entire bottle of red wine over him after having introduced myself as her husband, don't you agree, Miles? And when you got angry and I told you to piss off before I would beat seven shades of crap out of you, which I would also do if I ever found out you were insulting my wife again, that was funny too, wasn't it, Miles? Cos it was to me, you stupid f**ck.

The wife thought I'd made a scene, but I pointed out that funnymen like Miles were, in fact, weak bullies, too weedy and cowardly to actually physically bully, but bullies nonetheless, and that is was alright to stamp them out.

They were at school too: Class comedians, school funnymen, and now they are the office jokers who get on our tits. At work we have one who is so like that bloke from the Fast Show it's uncanny and actually quite eerie and sad...When he met my wife at one of my work outings I heard the gears of his brain gnashing as he shuffled the letters in his head. I told him: "don't go there, Timothy, don't you fucking dare, don't you fucking dare saying it, don't even think it. If you do I'll take you to the car park and I will beat you up so very severely using only my legs and my feet." Class jokers, office jokers, I loathe them, don't get me fucking started!!!!

Guff

Cockfingers says...CHRIST HOW INTERESTING



The best description of a fart ever. You did a guff, you did a guff. Oh the way children can taunt

Fleeing Arabs, The

Cockfingers says...CHRIST, you boring CUNT



whilst on a school holiday in the isle of man there was a group of us who went grass skiing members of the group included, myself, tommy scargill, cab, tim, macca. As confidence amongst the group grew we felt confident enough to try to jump over this ramp we found, we put it into position and in turn over we went when it came to tommys turn (he was a big fat bastard at the time) he went over the ramp and as the rest of us landed on our feet tommy landed rather awkwardly (not on his feet though) the rest of us thought this was hillarious and as it turned out tommy had broken his collar bone which made us laugh even more. Some might say it was the highlight of the holiday

Genital Interrogation
We had "Mars" and "Snickers". Snickers was a dick, possible because it has nuts.

a game
i forgotten what the game is called but whta you had to do was get two teams and one would make a word with each person being a letter. Then the other team would have to get someone from the other team and beat them up to get their letter to stop being beaten up. If they got all the letters they had to guess the word if they did then they won. What was it called someone help me.

fire extinguisher
In a totally unrealted story a kid at my school once had his brain froze because a fire extinguisher was fired into his ear. It must be true my Music teacher told me, and she was in the UN and everything

DInner laides
the scary mix of half chave, half tyrant that is the dinner lady, these coulorfly named failo gcse'o (fail-e-o gcse-o) are the bane of any intelegent child with the gruel that you do not know what it is and the strange hair nets, these are the ruiners of many a breaktime for me and my freind.

seans dropkick

Cockfingers says...You wrote "wiv". You total fucking twat.



a boy called sean got really pissed off wiv my mate and did a full on 2 footed dropkick on my mate.

it broke his nose and gave him concussion.

i thought it was well funny till i realised i had locked my bike up wiv him and , since he had gone to hospital, coulnd get my bike i had to walk home.

and it was pissing rain.

Olly Chippers and his Magic Slippers

Cockfingers says...Eh? Fucking EH?



He of the spectacular falls and spills, all without injury.